Full Circle

Well, we've made it.  All of the blood, sweat, and tears has brought us to this moment.  We are one.  We are a family of three.  We are legal and official.  We are love!  Today, we went to court for the final hearing and to finalize Brooklyn's adoption.  It was a LONG day.  We got there at 9, and finally were seen by the judge at 2 PM.  To be sitting on a folding chair with a six month old baby for 5 hours, in a hallway, is NOT a pleasant way to spend a day.  However, I have to admit... this baby was amazing!  Not a fuss out of her.  We came prepared... a box of toys, her pacifier, her blankey, food, and grandparents.  And oodles of patience.  It's a long story, but a mix up (I'll give him the benefit of the doubt) on our lawyers part made it the way it was, but the end result was the same.  We became a legally connected family.  Can't begin to explain the emotional impact of that statement.  A huge sigh of relief.  A huge thank you.  Immense gratitude.  A beautiful, happy, sweet baby who we get to parent forever... Wow, I can hardly believe it.  I am so ridiculously happy.  Our little short stack.  Tears of joy are flowing tonight.  I can't help but spend time thinking about Marie.  Marie made this happen.  We had a really awesome and powerful conversation on the phone the other night that hasn't left me yet.  That is one special woman, folks.  She's intelligent, and kind, and sweet, and quirky and funny.  I adore her.  She adores us.  She adores this little girl.  We are family.

Sleep Training

Ok, so I know that everyone has opinions on this subject... I've gotten some feedback that rocking to sleep is best; I've heard the opposite.  I know that it's a personal decision about what's best not only for the baby, but for the family.  I've done some reading.  I've done some talking.  I've done tons of thinking.  I've thought out loud to and with Brian.  We decided that sleep training is important to us and for Brooklyn, and tonight was night number one.  It's behind us, thankfully.  Up until tonight, we had a semi routine, and we rocked her to sleep.  It was such a special time, and I'll miss it desperately.  There's nothing like those quiet moments, just her and I, up there in the nursery rocking in her rocking chair.  Brian loves it, too.  She has this awesome way of looking directly into your eyes, and you feel so connected at that moment.  It feels so good, to hold her as she relaxes and calms for the night, either reading, singing, or just rocking together.  She likes to reach up and touch your face, sometimes not so gently but mostly, very gently.  When she's ready to fall asleep, she'll turn into you so she's laying on her side, resting her cheek against your arm and draping her arm across it.  She's so comfortable and feels so secure.  Those quiet, special moments are so sweet and I savor them.  That being said, I strongly feel it's important for her to be able to self sooth, to know how to put herself to sleep.  I talked with enough people who've been there, done that, that I believe this is the right time.  As hard as it is for me to give up those quiet moments, I know that it's not about me, really.  It's important for Brooklyn.  We may miss these moments, but they'll be replaced by other moments.  She's a cuddly kid... that's not going to change because she's going to sleep by herself every night.  I know I'm probably sounding like I'm trying to convince myself of this, and I guess I am, but deep down I know this is the right thing.  It's just SO HARD.  I know, I know... you're all probably thinking "Welcome to parenthood"... well, shhhh... don't say that out loud to me.  I know it.  I never expected this to be easy.  I know it's one of many things that will challenge me along the way.  Tonight actually went better than I expected, as awful as it was.  I was working up to this day, preparing in my own way.  I probably enjoyed last night's bedtime a lot more than usual, and tonight, when she got home from Day Care, Brooklyn was exhausted and needed a nap.  I rocked her to sleep and then held onto her.  I didn't put her in her crib like I normally do.  I sat in that chair and rocked with her for an hour, before I finally put her down and she continued to sleep for another hour and a half.  But, inside I was dreading tonight.  Used the fact that she took a long evening nap to prolong the inevitable and let her stay up later than usual.  I was anticipating the worst.  As it was, it was hard to do it.  It started off well enough... when I put her into her crib, she had her pacifier and her blanket, and she rolled to her side as she usually does when we put her in asleep.  I thought... tonight will be the night that she falls asleep quickly and easily just to make me crazy.  But, she didn't.  She rolled around and talked and played for about 10 minutes before she realized what was happening.  She started out slowly and built momentum.  I went out to the patio and sat so I couldn't hear her cry.  After about 10 minutes, I went up and told her it was ok, gave her a quick pat on the back, and left the room.  The crying built up to a level where she was gagging on her saliva, coughing and gurgling.  I knew she was ok though, so Ruby and I walked around the block (Brian was in the house... focused on a project, so it didn't bother him as much as it did me).  I came back after 10 minutes and did the check again.  Told her it was ok, time to go to sleep, quick pat on the back, and back outside with Ruby for another 10-15 minutes. When I got home that time, she'd just fallen asleep.  Total time for sleep training night #1... 40-45 minutes, with the first 10 being "playtime".  Phew.  We survived it.  And, Ruby was in total heaven.  This dog was my savior for a year and a half, distracting me from the wait and making life bearable.  She was my diversion... the center of my world.  She sadly lost that status and got a bit lost in the shuffle these past 5 months.  I've felt so guilty about it, but there wasn't much I could do about it.  Ruby started acting up, and as much as she loves Brooklyn (and she does), she's very jealous and attention seeking.  Tonight, it was like old times.  Me and Ruby, walking the neighborhood.  She walked with her head a bit higher and was just in her glory.  I have to make a note of that, and make sure that we get our time together every day.
So, overall, we survived it.  We will be stronger tomorrow, and the next day and the next, or however it takes.  We'll still get some cuddle time, some special, connected time, but it'll look and feel different.  But Brooklyn will be happier, and at Day Care, maybe she'll sleep better.  It's hard, but it's necessary, and I'm glad Brian and I made this decision.  Sleep well, little baby Brooklyn.  We love you.