The Truth About Open Adoption- Our Open Adoption

I've had a few people comment lately on our plans for an open adoption.  The latest came today at work, when a co-worker said "You must be pretty strong, because I could NEVER agree to that!".  I think people think that we're perfectly comfortable with the idea, and that we're somehow more special than the rest because of it.  Both are false.  Of course we're nervous, scared, apprehensive, and at times I'm sure, resistent.  But, most of the time, we're very open to whatever our relationship turns out to be with our baby's birth family.  When we think about raising our kids, don't we all strive to keep our kids happy, healthy, and safe?  Don't we want them to be as secure and strong as possible?  Living with as much joy and love as we can wrap them up in?  That's what we're trying to do by having an open relationship (when the time comes).  We've learned so much about open adoption.  OPEN does not mean that our child's birth family will help us parent.  They will have relinquished their parental rights.  They will have chosen US to parent their baby.  They will have made the decision NOT to parent.  So, no co-parenting.  They likely will not spend birthdays or holidays with us and our extended family, though we'll likely try to celebrate those special occasions in some way with our child's birth family if possible.  In an ideal world, we'll have on-going and open communcation.  Not every day or maybe not even every week or month.  But, we'll talk.  Through texting or through email, phone calls and occasional visits in a "neutral" (for lack of a better word) place.  We'll exchange pictures and letters.  Of course, we don't know how the relationship will end up.  In our process, Brian and I had to agree and be willing to establish an open relationship, but in reality, if the birth family choses not to be involved, that's ok, too.  An important thing to remember is that the relationship will most likely evolve... we may have a decent amount of contact in the beginning, and it may wax and wane over the years.  An open relationship may not be what the family wants.  The bottom line is that we want to surround our child(ren) with as much love, warmth, and security as possible, and if that includes a birth parent or birth family, then we welcome them with open arms.  This is not about what's best for us, but what's best for the little baby that someone is going to entrust  to us to care for and raise.  It's about what's best for our family.  We've learned from speaking to both birth families and adoptive families that it can be a very beautiful, if not complicated, thing.  It gets really complicated if there are other children involved, either being raised by the birth family or being raised in other adoptive homes... our family could grow in ways we can only imagine!  So look out, everyone!  You thought we were getting a baby... but we may be getting one or more extended "families" as well! 

One month "Waitiversary"

Today marks what our social worker affectionately calls a "waitiversary".  It's our first such day... today is exactly one month that we've been ready and waiting for our baby.  It's gone by fast, actually, and we're very thankful for that.  Reflecting back on it, despite the holidays being a part of this month, we've done a lot of preparation for the little one.  It's nice to have the preparation to focus on, and it's nice to be able to take our time (or can we?) as we do it.  We've learned a lot throughout the whole process, as well... let us share a few little tidbits with you.  LANGUAGE is something that is discussed a lot in the adoption world.  As with everything, this has evolved and changed over time, and there's language that is considered positive adoption language that we're all encourage to become familiar and comfortable with.  When talking about a birth family, instead of saying "Gave up for adoption" or "Put him up for adoption", the new way of saying this is "Made an adoption plan" or "Choose adoption".  Instead of "keep the baby", we say "Chose to parent her child" or "made a parenting plan".  Instead of "real" or "natural" parent, we say "Birthparent" or "biological" parent.  Instead of "Not our real child" (after all, if we're raising this child, what's more real than that?  They will be "real" to us), we say "Adopted person" or "Joined our family through adoption".  It's been interesting to hear the stories surrounding this, and to learn about it and start to incorporate it into our every day vocabulary.

One thing I've also discovered is that we're often, if not always, going to be expected to explain our choice to adopt.  People are curious, they have questions, and they're not afraid to ask.  In part, we welcome this opportunity because we're excited, and we like to talk about it.  We are EXPECTING, and what expectant parents don't want to talk about their child?  I think that's finally starting to sink in.  WE ARE EXPECTING.  It's hard to be separated from other people who are PREGNANT and therefore, expecting.  It's different, and it feels different.  The outward signs are not there, it's not visible that we're expecting.  People don't treat you like an expecting parent, because they don't see the signs and so they do not know.  But when it comes up, we do have to talk about adoption and why.  Sometimes, I don't care.  Sometimes, I'll just say it's because we want to be parents and this is how we're going to do it.  Sometimes, it feels like we need to validate it, and really make people understand that it's just as good and just as meaningful as giving birth.

So, what have we done to prepare?  We talk about it.  A lot.  We are starting to work on finding the perfect name.  We have a bassinet, swing, high chair, and bouncy seat that I've cleaned and washed and have set up in the baby's room.  We got a few cute outfits for Christmas that are washed, folded, and in the baby's closet.  Mom helped me make an adorable quilt this past weekend.  We're researching carseats and cribs. We have a day care picked out. There's much more to do, but we're not rushing...well, that much! 

Getting Ready for Baby...

The quilt Mom and I made this weekend...