Bonding and Attachment, part 2

Well, I just typed the longest blog of my blogging career so far, only to have a computer glitch wipe it out before I could save and publish.  I'll try to re-create what I just worked so hard on... you wont know if it measures up, but I will! 
First of all, I wanted to share that we have found a pediatrician as of today!  That's a big one to cross off the TO DO list.  I interviewed him today, and I really loved the guy.  He was so laid back and easy to talk to, which was a huge plus in my book.  On top of that, he has a lot of experience with adoptive families and is aware of all of the issues that could come along with that.  He's very open, has a family centered care approach, seems very intelligent and resourceful, and really appeared to know his stuff.  For what it's worth (and I know a couple of you will appreciate this) he's a big Penn State fan!  I, personally, don't care too much about that, but I think that might elevate him in the eyes of some people in this family.  He has an autographed football in his office.  He gave me some good advice for the first week of the baby's life, and he seemed genuinely excited for us. 
Anyway, the class we took the other night was so good and so packed with valuable information, there was no way that was going in one blog post.  So, here we are for part two.  Most of you likely know that our agency only works within NJ and PA.  That means our baby will come from one of those states.  Adoptive families are required to remain in the state of the baby's birth for 7-10 business days after taking custody of the baby for legal purposes.  Some papers somewhere are being shuffled around someone's desk, and ultimately signed.  If the baby is born in PA, regardless of where in PA, we can come right home.  If the baby is born in NJ, we will need to pack a bag and plan to stay there.  At first, I thought I  was hoping to come home.  What better place to be with our new baby then in our own home?  But, the more I've learned, the better NJ sounds.  We've been given a lot of education from our agency, as well as from books and articles we've read, and what they recommend right after getting the baby, is to cocoon for awhile.  Take time, just for us, to get to know each other, process what we've just experienced (this is sure to be one of the most profound, intense, and emotionally charged experiences of our lives to date). Tune the world out.  Ignore all responsiblities and focus on each other.  They actually recommend cocooning for at least the first week or two, and preferably up to one month.  The baby is adapting to being without his/her birth family though it's not a conscious feeling of loss or grief.  The baby is learning that we're mom and dad.  The idea behind cocooning is to fully allow the bonding and attachment process to develop.  The recommendation is to be stingy with the baby for awhile.  To be the only ones to meet the basic needs of the baby... feeding, bathing, diapering.  That way, the baby starts to realize that we are the ones who are the "safe base".  They say to do this for the first week or two, and up to a month.  This is not to say that nobody can come see the baby, or hold the baby.  It just means that we should be the primary people...and that when someone besides one of us holds the baby, that the baby should come back to us before moving on to the next person... we're the "home base".  It's a hard concept.  It's hard because not everyone is going to believe in the idea of an infant experiencing grief and loss, much like I thought at one time.  It's hard because people may believe that bonding happens naturally, much like I thought at one time.  It's hard because so many people love and care about us, and are as eager as we are to see this kid and hold him or her.  It's hard because we want to share it all with you... this new little person who will join our family, the joy and excitment of that event happening.  It's hard because we're a bit fearful of what people will think about how we're doing things.  It's hard because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or leave the people out who've supported us the most.  But, what we've come to realize is that we haven't been steered wrong yet.  And ultimately, we want the absolute best for this child.  As strange as this whole concept may seem, it's temporary.  It's a relatively short time span we're talking about, compared to the lifetime that we'll have before us.  So, forgive us if we seem a little stingy with this baby in the beginning, and thank you for hanging in there with us.

Bonding and Attachment

We went to an excellent workshop last night though our adoption agency.  It was on Attachment and Bonding, and was presented by our social worker, Stefani, who is a wealth of information and has incredible passion for the subject.  We learned so much and we and couldn’t stop talking about it on the way home and as we fell asleep last night.   Some of the ideas are somewhat new to us, and some felt sort of like common sense.  The bottom line though, is that when a child is adopted, regardless of the age of the child, there is some serious work to do to ensure strong, positive attachments and bonding to the new parents and family.  She talked about the three main goals or principals for all caregivers in relation to new children and attachment.  The first being that we all want the very best for our children, regardless of how they came to be a part of our family.  Second, the first moments, days, weeks, months, and years are critical times for forming attachments.  Third, strong positive attachments set the stage for all future relationships and interactions.  So, the work that we’ll need to do to securely attach us to our new baby and our new baby to us will be vital.   I guess I never thought about bonding with a child to be “work”.  In my job, I’m forming relationships with kids all of the time.  Granted, the attachments I have to the kids I care for is very different and can’t even compare to the attachment between parent and child, but I guess I assumed that you get a newborn, and you just naturally bond.  Why wouldn’t you, after all?  Babies are cute and sweet and relatively unaware of their surroundings as long as their basic needs are being met, right?  Wrong.  This post is going to either be really long, or a multi-chapter post, so I apologize right now for that.  I just feel like I want to share all we learned. It’s intriguing to me, and it’ll probably affect each of you as you’re a part of our life, and will ultimately be a part of the baby’s life.

I’ve worked with families around issues of grief and loss for many, many years now.  I know what it’s like to sit with a parent or a sibling who’s grieving the loss of a child.  I know what it’s like to sit with a child who’s grieving for their health, or their hair that’s fallen out, or a leg that’s been amputated.  I know what it’s like to attend a funeral.  I’ve done that way too many times.  But, what about a newborn who’s experiencing grief and loss?  I have never, not once, thought about a newborn baby being able to feel emotions such as grief and loss.  I know all about how babies can pick up on the emotions of their caregivers.  I know that they experience physical pain.  But, until last night, I did not think that a baby could really grieve.  Apparently, they do.  It makes sense when you think about it.   As we discussed last night, the physiological as well as psychological bond between mother and child is happening while the child is in utero. They’ve got 9 months to bond and attach to each other.  We’ve all heard of studies that show that newborns recognize their parents voices and can recognize their scent and their face only moments after birth.  Right?  How many people read to their babies while they’re still in the womb?  Why?  Because we know that the baby can hear us, and we know that they’ll have a sense of recognition when they’re born.  We play music to our bellies during pregnancy, and the baby calms to that same music after they’re born.  They recognize it.  So, what happens when we take away those things?  We take away the voices, the scents, the sounds that are recognizable and calming to a newborn.  The baby grieves.  Because they can’t tell us how they feel in words, we don’t take the time to recognize or acknowledge this emotion in a newborn, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.  Our job, as adoptive parents, will be to help ease those feelings of grief and loss, to acknowledge that they exist and work extra hard to help the baby form a safe and secure attachment to us.  I think this whole concept is a little hard to swallow, and I now feel the need to do some extra research on it, but I think overall, it makes sense to me.  It’ll just take some time to absorb all we learned and begin to incorporate it into the way we think and the way we act on a daily basis, especially once the baby arrives.  We’re ready for the challenge.  We welcome it.  We are more anxious for this to happen than we have ever been for anything else in our  entire lives.

Three month "waitaversary"

WOW!  Three months have come and gone.  I can't believe it!  The last couple weeks have dragged, but then again, it's been winter and don't the winter months always drag?  As I've said before, the wait is getting harder and harder, but we're hanging in there.  We have successfully survived three months!  That sounded like a lifetime at one point.  I'm hoping the next couple months will feel a little bit easier.  We've got some busy weekends ahead, and with the weather being nicer, we're sure to be out and about more.  Ruby and I are walking a lot... trying to get in shape for a 5K that Brian and I are doing in May.  We're so not good at staying in a good exercise routine, but we're getting there.  We've been a bit more dedicated lately, and maybe this 5K will be just the beginning.  I keep telling myself that I need to be healthier as I start out my life as a parent, thinking that will motivate me a little bit more.  Ha.  It's really not doing the trick.  We're continuing to prepare as best we can for when the call comes.  We tried the car seat out in the car a couple weeks ago, to make sure we knew how to install it.  The instruction book makes it seem like you need a PhD to install a car seat!  Got it in ok, but then I realized that we needed that PhD to get the base of the seat OUT of the car.  In fact, after sitting there in the car for those weeks, I finally called Kelly to ask her how to un-install the base.  Thank you, Kelly.  Ruby's got her space back.  The nursery furniture should be coming soon.  I don't know if I've mentioned this here or not... but since we got to the waiting point, I've had a gut feeling that it was going to be a 4 month wait.  I don't know why.  Wishful thinking?  Mother's intutition?  But, 4 months has felt like what this wait will be.  As of today, we're officially entering into the 4th month.  Last night, I was falling asleep on the couch and I suddenly felt a strong urge to update some info I've written up for whoever might be fortunate (?) enough to end up with Ruby for a couple days while we go off and become parents.  Now that we know how to install and uninstall a car seat, and we've got Puppysitter instructions prepared, I'm sure that call is going to come.  And, what better day to get it than on our 3rd month waitaversary, St. Patrick's Day?  We're not Irish, but maybe we'll get a little Irish luck today.

Little Eddy

Welcome to the world, Little Eddy!  Our good friend Karin gave birth on Saturday.  We've been waiting!  We're so excited!  Though I haven't gotten to talk to Karin yet about the details, word has it that Eddy arrived save and sound, but that he did give his mommy a hard time.  I think he really liked the warmth and coziness of his little isolated world within, and needed some help and encouragement to make his appearance.  But, he did it.  We're so glad and can't wait to set eyes on him and get our hands on him!   Our friends have gone before us.  They know the ropes and I'm sure they'll be happy to share their wisdom with us when the time comes. 
The wait is becoming difficult. Remember what it was like to wait for Christmas as a little kid?  We knew it was coming, but time meant relatively nothing, and we had no concept of it. It felt like it would NEVER get here, and we wanted it SO BADLY.  That's what we feel right now... like we're little tiny kids, with no concept of time, and we want what we want.  We want Santa to bring us some special surprises.  The most special surprise of all.  The baby of our hearts.  And, he doesn't have to wait until December.  No need.  Get it done early, before the holiday rush, Santa! 
 I found myself to be pretty cranky this past weekend.  The little things that shouldn't be a big deal were huge.  I wanted to complain about everything and anything.  I felt tired and emotional.  I couldn't figure out why I had no tolerance, until Brian, oh wise one, said that maybe it was because Stefani hasn't called yet.  By now, most of you know that Stefani is the one we wait for.  We hope and pray to see her phone number on our caller ID.  She is our social worker, our support, our link to parenthood.  The day she calls will be such an unbelievable dream... we assume it'll all work out that first time she calls with a "potential" situation for us.  We assume the best.  As we wait, we're always getting more and more news about someone who's expecting and someone who's given birth.  It surrounds us.  Yes, at times we feel sorry for ourselves.  We feel so sad.  We feel anxious.  We feel intense longing.  At times, we also feel elated and excited.  It's hopeful, all of these new beginnings. The planning is still a lot of fun.  The dreaming is always great.  The anticipiation is unbearable!!   Come on, Stefani!  The lines are open... make them ring!

Winning the lottery

Brian and I like to joke, dream, fantasize about what we'll do when we win the lottery.  We have lived in crazy mansions, added theater rooms to the house, gone on exotic vacations, etc.  In reality, we don't play the lottery, so we don't have a prayer of winning.  Yet, it never stops us from saying "When we win the lottery...".  We're really quite content.  We have enough money, enough food, enough shelter, wonderful friends, and a amazing, loving family.  What else is there?  We're not materialistic, so we don't need much to make us happy.  But, it's so much fun to fantasize about having more money than any person needs.  Quite often when people ask about the adoption process, we tell them the truth... the call could come tonight, or it could come next year.  I think that whenever we say "the call could come tonight" we feel like we're just playing around.  We're going through the motions, and that it "could" but it won't.  We were talking last night about how every time we say it, it feels like "yeah, it could, but it won't.  We know better", but what about when we say it, and it is THE night.  It's going to happen sometime, so there will be a time when "the call could come tonight or tomorrow" and it's the truth, what actually happens.  Will we always feel like we're just saying it, or will we start to feel like YES, it could and will happen tomorrow?  My guess?  We're going to be taken by storm, by surprise.  We'll never expect it to happen, much like winning the lottery.  The difference is that we WILL win the adoption thing.  We will get that call.  It just feels like the lottery... something fun to talk about that we'd really like to have happen, but sort of like a dream or a fantasy.  It's quite surreal!  I'm continuing to have those parenting dreams (well, I've had two now... but that's something!) so we'll see if that means something, or it's just what this experience is going to entail!  It's pretty fun to wake up and feel like I was just taking care of our baby!

Dreams

So, I've started having adoption dreams.  They started awhile ago, actually, but there seems to be a decent amount of space and time between each one.  So far, we've adopted two six month old boys and a newborn baby girl.  Pretty neat, huh?  I wonder how many children we will have adopted by the time this process is complete?  When I had lunch with our social worker a few weeks back, I told her about a couple of them, and she said "Wait until you stop having dreams about adopting and start dreaming about parenting.  THAT'S when the call will come... that's how it happened for me".  She said not to hold her to it, it's not scientific fact that when you dream of parenting, you get to start to actually do it.  Well, last night I had my first parenting dream.  It wasn't as clear as the adoption dreams, but I had a baby and I was bathing it.  I say it because I have no idea if this one was a boy or a girl.  It was a bald, caucasian baby.  I was giving the baby a bath, and he/she was old enough to sit up without too much support in the tub.  I woke up with a headache and my back and neck hurt.  Was it from leaning over the tub?  Was it sleep deprivation?  Is this how it's going to feel (physically) to care for a baby?  I dont' know... there were other parts to this dream that seemed unrelated.  In one part, I was running away from a Tornado.  I had a clear destination in mind, and for some reason, I chose to set out on foot and leave my car behind, and I got lost and confused as I tried to get away from the storm and to the safety of my home.  I think a therapist would have a field day with these two dreams that seemed to be back to back, or maybe they intertwined a little bit.  I guess parenting at times feels like being in the midst of a tornado, but I shouldn't feel this way yet!  It should feel the same as a new, soft puppy or rainbows or something like that, shouldn't it?  Perhaps it's the waiting that feels like a tornado.  We're anxious, waiting for something to happen, trying to brace ourselves for the emotional experience that it is sure to be, trying to prepare as best we can when there are so many unknowns.  Maybe the preparing we are doing day to day, moment to moment is us avoiding that crazy, unpredictable tornado and trying to stay out of it's path.  We want to emerge from this experience unscathed, stronger than ever, full of hope and excitement, and ready for all the incredible things that parenting will be.