The Paper Pregnancy: Becoming Connected

Today, we went to a potluck picnic that was hosted by Open Arms, our agency. It turned out to be perfect weather for a picnic. It was held at a community center in a planned community in Bucks County. All of the families that are working or have worked directly with Open Arms were invited. There probably was about 30-40 families there. A great turn out. We were really looking forward to going to this. Open Arms offers a lot of opportunity for families to connect with each other and find support. There were all kinds of families there, and people in all stages of the adoption process. There were many, many families that have already adopted, and a handful of us who are waiting. We're starting to get to know some of the people that we see over and over again in the workshops that we go to, or at the Coffee Talk. It's reassuring to have the opportunity to ask questions, hear stories, and learn from other people's experiences. It's actually also nice to be a few steps ahead of some other people, and be able to offer them words of wisdom or reassurance that they'll get through each of those steps eventually, too. It makes us feel good to know that maybe something we've done already will help someone else. Becoming connected feels important right now. We've done so much to prepare, and there's little left to do but wait. We've found the day care, the pediatrician, and the nursery furniture. We've gotten some diapers and a couple outfits. We've got some books, rattles, and onesies. We've got the car seat and practiced putting it in the car. So now what? People keep telling us that you prepare as best you can, and then you wait, and you feel like it's never going to happen, and then suddenly you get the call and life becomes chaotic and out of control in an instant. Suddenly, it's on... full speed ahead. Waiting for that moment, when life becomes chaotic, feels like torture at times. Becoming connected helps. We're finding people who know exactly what we're going through, how desperately we want it, how sad we feel at times because it's been such an agonizing struggle, and how impossible it all seems, though we know it's not. Today one person, now a mother, said that when waiting, she felt like they'd never get picked because there was nothing special about them... they were just an ordinary couple leading an ordinary life. They didn't do any world travel. They're only moderately cultured. They hang out at home and do house stuff. We get it. We feel like that. When you're one couple in a sea of hopeful parents, and you read their "hello letter" and it sounds so similar to yours, it's disappointing. You worked so hard to make yourself stand out while being true to who you actually are, and now you find that there's people out there who're just like you, or who seem better than you in some way, and you wonder, is there something here that's going to make someone pick us over them? What is it that makes us special to someone else... someone who will pick us to raise her baby? We let these thoughts run through our minds, because they will, like it or not, and while that's happening, we fight with ourselves to just let it go, let things unfold as they will, and as they're meant to unfold. We're reassured over and over again that once that baby is in our arms and in our hearts, that all of this will melt away... all of the time, energy, anxiety, worry. All of the agony of the wait will vanish, as if it never happened, and everything will make perfect sense. All will be right. Becoming connected to people who try to believe that, too, and to people who once tried and now know it to be true... that's what helps. It feels good to be building those relationships, to be making new friends, to belong to this incredible world of incredible people and children.