Timelines

Someone at work said to me first thing this morning "Hey, Ter... when's your baby coming?".  I replied "No idea".  She responded "What?  I thought we had a timeline!".  Yeah, a timeline.  What I wouldn't give for a timeline right about now.  I've said it before and I'll say it again (and likely again and again and again...).  We're doing well.  We've done so well throughout all of this.  But darn it, I'd love a timeline!  Luckily for us, the wait hasnt' kept us up at night.  We're both great sleepers, and perhaps sleeping is a way of keeping us sane and keeping icky thoughts at bay.  A good way to escape from thinking about it for awhile.  I was having so many dreams about adoption for awhile there, and those seem to have stopped.  So sleep is peaceful and pleasant.  I know we're still in the "early" phase of the wait, if this is really going to be a 2 year stint.  I know that many people we've met who've already adopted waited between 5 and 9 months.  I try not to focus on that, try not to assume we're close because THEY waited 9 months and we're now at 6 and a half.  Everyone's situation is different and unique.  But of course, in the back of my mind (or maybe sometimes, the forefront!) I'm thinking... well, it seems people don't wait more than 9 months, so we've got less than three to go!  We may have a long, long haul ahead of us.  We recently started thinking about the what if's of not being picked.  What if we're always passed over?  What if this is NOT a sure thing like the people at Open Arms tell us?  As one family adopts and are no longer being "shown", our chances of being picked do not go up.  There are not less adoptive parents to choose from.  New, hopeful families are being added to the mix all the time.  The pool doesn't get smaller.  So why do they say it's a guarantee when it doesn't feel like that at all right now?  I guess they've never had a situation where a family waits indefinitely and never gets chosen.  An adoptive family once told us the story of waiting, and how they felt like they were so ordinary that there wasn't anything about them that made them special.  Why would such an ordinary couple stand out in a crowd of so many others?  What was it about them that would catch someone's eye and touch someone's heart?  This is how we're feeling right now.  When they were finally picked, they had the opportunity to spend time with the birth mother and ask her this question.  What was it about us that made you believe we were the right ones to raise your baby?  Her reply... "you're just like me".  Similar interests, similar lifestyle, similar background, raised in a similar way.  They felt familiar to this birthmother, and she wanted her baby to be raised with what was familiar to her.  We've been told over and over again that you never know what will stand out to someone else.  Our social worker believes that someone will see this picture of Brian and I doing a "sea trek" in Cozumel that we included in our profile and think we're pretty cool.  She thinks that'll be the thing that catches someone's eye and makes them read a bit more carefully about us.  Afterall, we're adventurous enough to walk on the ocean's bottom (we were only 20 feet down, and holding onto a rope, but it WAS cool!) so we can take on anything, right? 
I guess I'm feeling frustrated lately with this whole thing.  We're ready and we've been ready for a long time now, so why isn't it happening?  We're dying to be parents and get this family life started.  We've done all we can, we're good people, we have so much to offer.  The time is right.  We're waiting for you, baby... come on and get here!

6 month waitaversary

Today, as I sit on the floor of the baby's room, we celebrate passing the one year anniversary of my final positive pregnancy test (and getting through it!), celebrate surviving the first six long months of waiting for an adoption to happen, and celebrate making it through one heck of a difficult year.  I'm feeling three things.  I'm feeling sad (frustrated, disappointed, hopeless... fill in the blank) that we're still waiting.  I'm feeling proud of how well we've done it.  And, I'm feeling blessed that we can continue to do it.  Now and then, we're giving these amazing reminders of how precious life is and how we have much to be grateful for, even in the face of adversity.  Every time we look around, there's something so much more challenging that people beside ourselves are facing.  And I'm totally and completely inspired by those people and how they manage to get through those challenges.  To give you an example of what I'm talking about, I've included (below) a story from one friend of mine from high school.  Her name is Tracy, and two years ago, her 5 year old son ran out into the street into the path of an oncoming truck or minivan.  The fact that this little boy is alive today is such a miracle.  Looking at pictures of him, hearing stories of his life... you wouldn't know the journey he's been on, along with his family, for the past two and a half years.  Tracy is on a personal quest as well... she's counting her life's daily gifts in an attempt to discover 1,000 of them in 2011.  You'll notice in her story below that there are numbers... those numbers represent the number of gifts that she's identified so far this year.  I particularly like the line where she says "who has a life without struggle mixed into it?".  Nobody.  So, here I sit, thinking of Tracy and her little boy, her little miracle, as I anticipate ours.  I am thankful for the struggle that's mixed into our life, because we're simply able to have it.  I know that our baby, much like Tracy's, is going to be worth every moment that feels like struggle, and that every moment of this is a gift.

Yesterday after work I went to see the results of Aidan's latest battery of tests. On the way over the river, I marveled at my own state of mind since my first trip to meet this doctor. It is surely a Gift (#491) that I proceeded with courage and peace to face the current scope of his brain injury. And then, if one starts from a place of, "He is alive, and he is Aidan," what could she say that might make me feel we aren't totally and completely blessed??? -He IS and we ARE, and that is why I count these Gifts, because naming what God has done, what is good, is healing my broken heart (#492). It's very odd to sit in an office and have a stranger describe for me the nature of a child I grew from a seed. He needs a structured and nurturing environment. I can do that. His emotions get confused. His judgement is damaged, he won't naturally think of consequences, he won't naturally know what is right from what is wrong. He will have difficulty organizing information, especially verbal information. -- And I am thankful while I am sad because who wants struggle for their child? But who has a life with no struggle mixed into it? So begins the second leg of our journey: the Gathering of Tools. He's going to have to work hard at overcoming (don't we all?) and I'm going to have to be speaking my thought processes as we go along, so his brain can practice hearing the governing voice that got garbled when his head hit the road. There were many good moments in that meeting. But the Gift (#493) that sings to my heart was this, "A brain injury doesn't make you something you are not, it makes you MORE of what you are. Aidan is sweet, loving, and sunny. You are lucky!" Sometimes doctors say things that I already know.

Be thankful today.  Be thankful for something... there are many, many things to choose from.  Even things that feel like difficulties or challenges are things to be thankful for.  Those are the things that are real, that make us stronger, that help us appreciate the good times as well as the people who grace our lives.

Showers of Love

I do not know a lot about the baby we'll have one day.  We don't know what the race of the baby will be.  We don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl.  We don't know what state the baby will be born in.  We don't know what the baby's familys medical history will be, or what their circumstances will be.  We don't know if the baby is coming soon, or if it'll be far into the future.  But I do know one thing about that baby.  That baby is going to be so loved!  Not only will he or she have our immediate and extended family loving him or her, but hopefully also the birth family (immediate and extended), and also the family that's been created over the years...the family of friends that surround us and hold us close.  I feel, and I know that Brian feels so fortunate to have so many incredibly amazing people in our circle.   I don't know why it continues to amaze me, how kind, generous, and sincere people in our lives are, because it's consistant and constant, but I am.  Yesterday, Kelly planned and hosted a really sweet and special baby shower for us.  Thank you, Kelly.  It was wonderful to have Mom and Mom (Mary) and Stacey there, and also the friends who have been there throughout not only this entire adoption process, but also during the hard fertility treatments and subsequent miscarriages.  They have been our rock in so many ways.  I don't want to forget those that were unable to make it yesterday who have never failed to be there, supporting and loving us.  We are so blessed and so thankful!  I can't say enough how much every bit of this means to us.  I know this kid is going to have the largest, most loving "family" ever, and I can't wait for him or her to get her and start to bask in all of this love!

Travel

Well, last week I had a business trip... a conference, in Chicago.  Some of you know this crazy, someday- to -be -funny story of a trip gone bad because of weather and travel issues, but for those of you who don't, let me share...
I arrived at the airport after Brian dropped me off on Wednesday at 4 PM for a 6 PM flight.  I was going to be meeting 4 other co-workers there.  The first potential issue was that the security line was so long I couldnt' see the end of it and people were taking the moving walkway to get to the end quicker.  It was crazy.  Thankfully (and a good sign, I thought) the line moved quickly and after a mere 45 minutes, I was through and ready to wait for boarding.  I didn't see my friends right away, but assumed they were lost in the line somewhere down the road.  I got a bite to eat and settled into the oh-so-comfortable chairs at gate B3.  Waited awhile and finally saw one of the girls I was expecting.  I dropped my stuff with her and ran to the bathroom.  Got back in time to hear that we were delayed almost 4 hours due to storms in Chicago.  Mind you, it was beautiful and clear in Philly that day.  Oh, well.  Worse things could happen.  And, they did.  First, we boarded 10 minutes after they announced the delay, and then we sat for a bit on the plane.  We  taxied away from the gate and out onto the tarmac.  We waited.  Finally, around 7:30 they said we were going back to the gate and we could get off and stretch our legs, if we wanted to.  We were to depart around 9:45.  They said to come back at 8:15 for an update.  Ok.  Off to get a snack.  We got back to the gate at 8:15 to hear "Final Boarding Call for flight 707 to Chicago for immediate departure".  Oh, crap.  We almost missed it, but we didn't.  We got on, the pilot told us that the temp was 64 under partly cloudy skies in Chicago, but we'd be passing through some storms and there may be a little bit of turbulance.  Ok.  I don't like that, but ok.  Started out fine.  No turbulance.  A while later, an update that all was going well and that our path was taking us around the storms.  Good.  Then, after being in the air 45 minutes to an hour, the pilot informs us that we're making a U-turn, heading back to Philly, and the flight was going to be cancelled at that point.  WHAT?  We all waited for the punch line... we were certain that he was joking.  He wasn't.  We arrived back in Philly a little bit after 11 PM.  When was the last time YOU took a 2 hour ride on an airplane but didn't go anywhere?  When we got back to the gate, we were informed that the desk to re-schedule the flight was closed for the day and that our bags would be going to Chicago, where we could pick them up once we arrived, if we arrived.  We also learned that 3 flights from Philly to Chicago were cancelled earlier in the day, meaning that any and all flights on Thursday were booked solid and we had no hope of getting there the next day.  To make a painfully long story a little bit shorter, we spent time trying to figure things out in the airport that night before I finally got in a cab at 1 AM to head home, bag in hand (everyone threw a fit until they agreed to take our bags off of the plane!).  It was a very expensive cab ride, but I got home safely without having to wake Brian up in the middle of the night to come get me.  It takes a good 45 minutes to an hour to get to our house from the airport, so it would have been a 2 hour ordeal for him on a work night when he had some important things going on the next day.  We spent a few hours the next day trying to work things out... was it worth it to go to this conference two days after it started?  Would our hotel rooms be saved for us?  Could we re-book the shuttle that was to take us to the conference?  Would we have to pay the cost of the conference if we skipped it at that point?  In the end, we got up in the wee hours of Friday morning to catch a 6:45 AM flight out, got to Chicago relatively event-free, and made it to the hotel by 4 PM.  We missed all sessions that day, and just had Saturday and Sunday morning left.  While the weather was gorgeous and hot here, it was dreary, rainy, and cold there.  I didn't have time to see the city, which was disappointing as I've heard it's a great place to visit. I did eat some of their famous deep dish pizza, though, which was all that it was promised to be. 
So, while on this crazy adventure, I was thinking about Stefani, our social worker, and remembering her words "Live your life!  Go to Mexico if you want to go.  You'll be surprised at how quickly you can get home if you need to, if you're chosen by a birthmother while you're away".  Yeah, right.  If I learned anything from this trip, it's that I WILL NOT make plans to fly out of town again before the baby comes.  Not that we won't live our lives.  We will.  But we'll do it within driving distance of PA and NJ.  It was so stressful... and I was just going to a conference that in the grand scheme of things was relatively unimportant.  Add something life changing, a dream about to come true to that, and what've you got?  The biggest stress I could probably imagine, so I'm going to just imagine it and not live it.  I did imagine that the baby would make an appearance on Friday night, so that I'd have to turn around and go back after a struggle to get there.  That would have been stressful, but in the best possible way.  I would have completely embraced that!  But, it didn't happen and we continue to wait.  We've got some things planned for this summer.  We're trying to stay busy and stay optimistic. We're not sitting by the phone.  But all in all, we do hope and pray that that phone call will come soon.