Moving Forward

Today, our little girl is 2 months old.  Wow... how time flies!  It seems like we've had her a lifetime, and yet, it's amazing to me that she could be two months already!!  She's growing up so nicely!  She smiles.  A lot.  She loves to be in her swing... she chatters away when she's in there, blowing bubbles and smiling at secrets only she knows.  She, for some reason, loves to be on her changing table.  Can always be guaranteed a bunch of smiles when she's on there.  What that's all about, I have no idea.  Maybe she just really appreciates that we keep her clean and dry.  Maybe she loves the room... we do.  Maybe, she loves the undivided attention and the ability to look us directly in the eyes.  I don't know, but I do know that it sure does make changing diapers less of a chore and more of an honor! 
I'm getting really sad about going back to work.  Part of me is ready...I miss the work that I do, miss my patients.  BUT, I'm sad about having to give up all of this time I've had with Brooklyn.  It's such special time.  I don't want to miss a minute of her life, and now I'm forced to miss hours at a time.  In the long run, I'm sure it'll be good for all of us, but right now it's hard for me to think about it that way.  Wish I could put her in a back pack and keep her near me all day, every day.  At least we're really happy at this point with the day care we've chosen.  I know they'll love her there.
We're anticipating getting together with Brooklyn's birth mother and some of her family next month.  I'm excited about that, and yes, a bit nervous.  I'm excited because we love her, and we're so grateful to her, and we want to share Brooklyn with her. We're looking forward to meeting more of her family, especially her son.  Nervous because we don't know how she's really feeling, and she tends to hid her true emotions a lot.  I want to be sure we're sensitive to how she might be feeling, as well as take care of ourselves in the process.  I think M. will be happy to see how well Brooklyn is doing, and how well we're doing with her.  I also assume there'll be some sadness, and maybe it'll hurt her a little bit to see how connected we are with Brooklyn, even if this is what she'd hoped and prayed for, for her baby.  Hopefully it'll all go well.
We really are connected now.  It's really amazing to see how Brooklyn looks to us, for us now.  She knows her Mommy and her Daddy, and she'll follow us around with her eyes all the time, especially when someone new is holding her.  It's pretty cool, to see and feel that attachement happening.  She is so incredibly sweet and awesome!  Happy 2 month birthday, little one!

So long, my friend...

I just got word that my dear, dear friend Joan softly and peacefully died last night with her new baby granddaughter in her arms and surrounded by her loving family.  Joan has been bravely fighting cancer for the past few years.  So bravely that she worked up until this past November, and nobody even knew she was sick unless you were in her inner circle.  I know that my world was significantly changed when she became a part of it, and that my world has changed again, knowing that I won't hear her voice or feel her enthusiasm for life surrounding me in the same way anymore.  Joan was a vibrant person who fully engaged in life. I've always admired her.  She was a great role model for how a person should really live. She loved the Phillies, she loved going to movies, she loved dancing and eating, just to name a few things about her.  She loved her friends and was truly one of the most thoughtful and caring people I've ever met.  She appreciated things that nobody else noticed.  She never forgot a special occasion, and was always thoughtful in the way that she acknowledged those occasions.  She was a giver... always putting others above herself.  She talked fast, moved fast, but noticed everything and took nothing for granted.  She felt things deeply, and had such a love for the kids she worked with.  She was a teacher at the hospital, and one of the people I loved working with the most.  One thing that made her so great with those kids is the way she cared about them.  Every child was unique, and she felt their pain and celebrated their joys and triumphs.  She loved them with all of her heart and soul.  She was a true family person, always giving to her husband, Jim, and her two kids James and Joanna.  She lived for them, she loved them tremendously.  They felt the same exact way about her. She would always talk about them with such pride in her voice. When she first told me she was sick, she said "But I'm going to be fine.  I have to be fine.  My kids are young.  They're grown up, but they're young and I'm going to be here for them".  She did everything for her kids and her husband.  I'm feeling really selfish right now, because I want her back, but at the same time, I'm so grateful that her pain is over and that she's finally ok again.  Nobody deserves to live like that, and as hard as she fought to live, I'm thankful that she's safe and pain free today. 
As excited as everyone was for us and as anxiously as everyone awaited little Brooklyn's arrival, few expressed their excitement more than Joan.  She was one of our biggest cheerleaders, and when I told her that a baby was on the way, her eyes welled up with tears.  She's one of the only ones who knew before she arrived that Brooklyn was coming.  I knew I needed to tell her.  I was afraid that maybe if I waited, I'd wait too long and she'd never know.  I knew Joan would want to know.  When she did arrive, Joan had Joanna text me because she was crying too hard to do it herself.  She sent me a text later telling me that!  She sent us a beautiful personalized picture frame for Brooklyn, and I can't wait to hang it in Brooklyn's room and think of Joan every time I look at it. 

Joan, I love you and I miss you so much already.  I'm happy for you that you're at peace again, and I will hold you so close in heart, every single day.  Thank you for our first family valentine.  I'll always cherish that card.  When I look at the ornament that you gave us for Brooklyn's first Christmas, I'll smile with warm thoughts of you.  When she wears her "I love Mommy" and "I love Daddy" PJ's, I'll think of you.  When Victorino hits a homerun, I'll think of you.  When Pence comes up to bat, I'll think of you.  I'll always think of you.  I'll remember the good times we've had, the patients we shared at work, and the laughs and the tears.  Thank you for your undying support and friendship.  It got me through so many long, hard days and I'll carry it with me always. I feel so blessed to have had you in my life, even if it wasn't for nearly long enough. I'm a different, better person because of you. I wish I could hear just one more "Hey kid, how ya doing?  You doing ok?".  Well, no, not really.  Not right now. I feel brokenhearted, but I know YOU are ok now, and I'm very, very grateful for that.  And I know we will all be ok, too, in time.  So long, my sweet friend... until we meet again.

Beautiful baby

Brooklyn went to the YMCA for the first time today.  We had a nice workout together, and anticipate many fun family moments there in the next few years.  We took some time to feed her before leaving, and this nice lady came up to us and said "That's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  There's nothing you can change to make her more beautiful.  She's got perfect ears and a perfect nose.  Beautiful."  Both Brian and I were bursting with pride.  Is that weird or wrong when we had nothing to do with creating this beauty?  We are very biased, of course, but this is one beautiful baby if I do say so myself.  It was nice to hear someone say that to us. Parenthood is going so well... we're loving it.  It's hard work, as all of you parents out there know, but it's what I've always imagined it to be like.  I feel so darn grateful!  We've just been hanging out, getting to really know each other.  We're still trying to figure out what she needs when, what her cries mean.  Do people really start to recognize babies cries, or do you just get to know your kid?  I mean, I know when she's hungry most of the time, and when she's tired, because I keep track of her schedule, but if I were to somehow lose track of time or what we've done and she starts crying, would I really know what it meant?  I doubt it.  Not yet, anyway.  I had a terrifying parenting moment last week.  I took Ruby to the dog park, and of course Brooklyn was with me.  She was sleeping soundly in her stroller/car seat next to me (I was sitting on a bench, talking to another woman at the park) and it was a nice day there.  The dogs were all happily playing, when suddenly this group of dogs came barreling at us, crashed into the stroller, and knocked it over WITH MY BABY IN IT!  I was so scared, and in that moment, I saw Brooklyn getting really hurt, flashed back to a nurse at the hospital asking if we felt comfortable turning the car seat upside down with Brooklyn in it once we had her strapped in (if not, she's not tight enough), and saw Child Protective services taking her away from me!  Of course, things were fine because of that nurse at the hospital.  I had her in there good and tight, and she was none the worse for wear.  She never really knew what was going on, and only woke up and started crying when I whipped her out of the stroller to make sure she was ok.  She was not amused by that!  But, my heart took a long time to start beating normally again!  I haven't moved that fast in a long, long time.  I made sure Brooklyn was ok, gathered Ruby up, and headed for home.  Enough for me for one day.  Well, more than one day.  We haven't been back yet!  That day, I knew what her cry meant.  It meant "Hey, Mommy... I was sleeping nicely and you just interrupted me!"  Sorry, baby.
So, I'm waiting for my beautiful baby to wake up for her bottle before heading off to bed.  I know that if I go ahead and fall asleep, she'll then promptly wake up wanting that bottle.  She's doing great in the sleep category, though.  Still going about 4 hours over night between feedings, though tonight she ate at 6:30 and fell asleep at 7:45 and hasn't gotten back up yet, at 11:05 PM.  Heading towards 5 hours.  Way to go, Brooklyn!  Keep up the good work!