Due Date

Well.  Today is February 25, 2011.  This was the day we were told that we could expect our baby to arrive.  I remember being told when our due date was.  I think just hearing a date, spoken out loud, was so amazing!  It was like a promise of what was to be, and it felt great.   At the time it felt so far into the future, but it came up so quickly!  I've thought of it often since the miscarriage.  I've spent much of this month, wondering silently what it would feel like, if it would bother me, if I'd feel sad, what it would be like to actually be IN this day, etc.  I realized last night that all of the worrying has happened because all along I've been sad, and it's bothered me that we don't get to experience the birth of our baby, and never will.  While I do feel like this, I'm simutaneously feeling excited and hopeful for our adoption.  So weird to feel opposing feelings at the same time.  We have such a longing for our baby... to hold and love him/her.  It hurts just a little bit that it's an unknown right now, rather than happening today or tomorrow or whenever that little daughter of ours would have make her appearance. 
I decided that the best place for me today is at home.  I worked this morning, but took the afternoon off to just be.  No special plans, no special needs other than to just be here at home, where I feel most comfortable and relaxed.  Ruby is at my feet enjoying her "oinky" (Pork skin with sweet potatoe filling... oh, yum!) and keeping me company.  It's a gloomy, windy, and wet day.  It started out that way and is expected to stay that way all day.  Funny thing is that on my way home this afternoon, the clouds parted just enough to see some blue sky and allow the sun to shine down on me for a little bit.  Ok, well... maybe it wasn't shining down on ME so much as down on the earth where I happened to be, but I choose to believe it was a message meant for me, to keep my chin up and keep looking to the future, which is going to be so bright! 

Two months in...

Hi everyone,
Today is offically two month "waitaversary".  Time sure does fly when you're having fun, doesn't it?  I can't believe we're already at the two month mark, as it's gone by quickly.  Thankfully.  But, my feeling is that it's going to start slowing down.  All of the distractions of the past two months have really worked in our favor.  I think that in general, this time of the year (when we're all getting sick of the cold winter, with no holidays or special events to look forward to) drags for most people, and given that we're full of eager anticipation, it'll likely drag even more! I can't imagine what it's going to feel like if we have a long drawn out wait!   I had lunch with our social worker a couple days ago, who wanted to just check and make sure we're doing ok.  February is the tough month... the one in which our baby would have been born, the anniversary of our first IVF, etc.  I'm continually amazed and impressed with our agency and the people who work for it.  Their level of caring and commitment to their clients is unbelievable.  I'm so grateful to have them all on our side, guiding us and supporting us along the way.  They're really encouraging us to do little things to prepare, and more importantly, to take care of ourselves and live our lives.  We're trying to decide on a mini-vacation for this year... someplace where we can go for a long weekend and relax and enjoy our time together while we can.  It's probably good to plan something and have that to focus on and look forward to.   We've had an on-going joke with our social worker that we'll go to Mexico, and that's when the call will come.  Who knows?  Should we go to Mexico? 

Baby Care Basics

We had the opportunity last night to do something that other expecting couples do... something so "normal" for someone expecting a baby.  We went to a baby care class that was offered by our agency.  It was fun to go to something that feels like really preparing, and to forget for a moment that we had to think about what drugs we'd be comfortable having our baby be exposed to, what it might be like to be a visitor in a hosptial watching someone else hold and feed a baby that we might be able to call our own in a day or two, what it might be like to raise a baby from another culture and worry about discrimination and other racial issues.  This class was simply about taking care of a baby.  So much of it feels like second nature to me, having cared for countless babies over the years, but some of it was new and good information, updated information, etc.  We got to pick our baby for this class, rather than having someone pick us (we had a girl with beautiful olive skin, and a big smile on her face!  She remained nameless though, throughout the class).  We practiced bathing, burping, positioning, swaddling, and of course, diapering.  The speaker was very funny and dynamic, and though she was pretty easily distracted and enjoyed going off on tangents, she clearly loves her job and enjoys teaching. 
While in class, we learned that one woman there has recently been matched with a birth mother, and another couple who's only about a month ahead of us in the process has recently adopted!  The new mom was home caring for the baby and the new dad was there learning things he might not have picked up on yet.  It was at the same time exciting and sad to hear about this.  Exciting, because we've now actually seen it happen.  We've sat in a number of classes and seminars with these people, watching them absorb all of the same info that we have, and felt their anxiety and excitement about the adoption process.  To now know that they are parenting makes it all seem so very real and possible.  It feels a bit sad, too, knowing that we were not "the chosen ones", and it's easy to let our heads worry about how long this might be for us.  That's when we have to pull ourselves back and think about all of the things that must go into this huge and life changing decision for a birth parent.  Maybe it was a jewish parent looking for a jewish family, in which case, we were never in the running.  Maybe this couple was more open to various circumstances than we are, or maybe they live in a similar geographic area.  Maybe this birth family was ready to choose before we were officially ready to be "shown".  In any case, we know that our baby will find us when the time is right, and so we try to stay focused on that.  We try to believe (and mostly we do) that it will all make sense some day soon.  We hold on to the optimism, rather than dwell on the things that can bring us down.  We acknowledge them and let ourselves feel whatever we feel, then we say, ok, let's move forward with the hope that keeps us going each day.

Showers of Love

I went to a baby shower for a dear friend today.  Dear friend, you kow who you are if you're reading this.  (Hi, by the way!).  I must admit, I was a bit anxious about going.  This month, I'm anticipating, is going to be a challenge to get through.  Our little baby girl should be entering the world and joining our family in three short weeks.   Instead, we have only sweet memories of a little beating heart on a small tv screen in a sterile office.  Our arms are empty and we have no idea when they will be filled up.  At times, it's very hard to be around pregnant people and all of the excitement that comes along with it...watching people with excitement in their bodies and their voices, anticipating the new arrival.  So, today I was looking forward to going, but a part of me has been worried about what it would feel like and how I would be throughout the day.  As usual, the anticipation was worse than the actual event.  In fact, I had a great day.  It started with a road trip with another dear friend whom I used to spend considerable time with, but since we both "grew up" and moved into another phase of life, our quality time together has been sacrificed.  I've missed it.  So, we got a piece of that back today for a while, and I loved it.  Then, seeing our little mother to be was just fabulous. I know her journey all too well, as she went through even more than we did to get to this point.  It was great to see her, a gift to be a part of her day, and a joy and honor to celebrate with her.  I was relieved to discover that I'm genuinely excited and happy for her,  that I can honestly separate our situation from hers, and that I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself or for our situation every time someone who's expecting is near me.  In fact, seeing all of the wonderful things that she's gotten for her soon to arrive son, I started anticipating even more than I usually do, all that we'll need and want for our son or daughter whenever our time comes.  It was fun to watch and it's even more fun to think about now.  I'm starting to discover that all of these experiences are helping us gear up to parenthood and all that will come with it.  I'm also anticipating all of the little friends our child will have because most of my friends have gone or are going before us (down the parenthood path, I mean) and I'll never lack for someone to call whenever we're in need of advice, support, or reassurance that we're not bad parents and we're doing some of it right.  Thanks, my parental friends.  You guys are true blessings in our lives.