I've been following this incredible blog called "Heart Cries" by a woman named Rebekah who's a parent by adoption. It's a pretty amazing story of how she came across the birthmother and how they were matched. Coincidentally, both the birth mother and the adoptive mother are named Rebekah, spelled the same way. Rebekah the adoptive parent and her husband Ben are starting the process again, and going through the foster care system this time. Rebekah is a very religious person who relies completely on her faith to get her family through this whole experience. She's very resilient, and very determined. She's also a true blogger. Recently, in one post her husband said that he's going to become a blogger. He's going to blog about living with a blogger, and it's going to be called "Gall Bladder Cries". That made me laugh out loud. Anyway, Ben and Rebekah have an incredibly special relationship with their son, Tyrus's birth family. It's probably the ideal relationship, one that we hope to share with our own child's birth family when the time comes. It's a perfect example of what a little bit of understanding and a lot of love can accomplish. Tyrus is a very lucky little boy to have so many people who love him! I've actually been in touch with Rebekah, and I thought you might be interested in seeing some of her recent posts. She's posted some video clips of her and Rebekah, Ty's birth mother, answering questions that her "followers" posted. It's so awesome to see the two of them interact with each other. They are truly a family. Go ahead... check it out. Heart Cries.
On another note, I was talking with someone tonight about anticipating what our experience with the birth mother/family might be like. I told her that one of my fears is how I will balance the feeling of extreme joy that we'll be feeling with the concern for the birthmother and her grieve, loss, and sadness. I do worry about feeling so sad for her that I can't appreciate our joy. I do tend to worry about everyone else, in case you didn't know that yet...and I feel what they're feeling pretty deeply sometimes. This person I was talking to is very wise, and she asked me if I thought the birth mother might feel some relief. She said that she thinks Brian and I are very solid and loving, and that it shows through, and that the birth mother may really not want, or not be able to parent. Knowing that the people she chose are solid and loving might actually give her tremendous relief. I hadn't thought of it like that before... and it helps so much! It's actually really hard for me to envision the moment when the baby is placed in our arms and we're told we can go... leave the hospital as a family. Another adoptive family once said that they left feeling like they'd gotten the most precious gift, and yet they felt like they were stealing the baby from someone. The baby's birth grandfather had actually handed the baby to them, and he completely broke down when that moment came. They said that the sadness they felt for him and for the rest of his family lingered for a long time. So, having heard that, I started to wonder how I'd handle it... I know I'll feel so much for her. I know a part of my heart with break for her. But now I feel a bit better, imagining that there could be some relief and some comfort in knowing that this baby will be loved so much that it's ridiculous. I guess the bigger part of me will be able to put that heartbreak aside, knowing that she made this plan because she believes in it, believes it best for the baby, and believes that we're the best ones out there to raise him or her. We'll take that responsibility, that honor, that gift, and we'll begin our beautiful life together.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Five months and waiting...
Hello out there...
Here we are, 5 months into our wait. <sigh>. Seems as if my dreams and my intutition were slightly off. I was pretty convinced (or just wishfully thinking) that our baby would find us in April, or around the 4 month mark. But, nope. Not yet. What we keep hearing is that when the time comes, and we've got our child in our arms, that it's all going to make sense. The road we've had to travel to become parents will make sense and it'll all be worth it. Intellectually, I'm sure that's true. Emotionally, it's hard to hear and harder to swallow. Time will tell. I'm sure I'll be reporting that it's all coming together. I will be saying that I understand now why things happened as they did, etc. But sometimes it just feels like crap.
We just went to our last seminar. Open Arms does such a great job of educating us on all aspects of the process. We recently went to one on The Developmental Understanding of Adoption, and then one on Genetic Vulnerabilities. We have been to each and every seminar that they've offered, and we've been through their entire repetoire. It feels good to have gotten through them all, and at the same time, it stinks to know we've been around long enough to get through them all. I'm already missing the consistent contact that the seminars allow us to have with Open Arms. Feels like someone's holding our hands when we know we can count on seeing them once month. I feel sort of out there and alone now, like we're growing up and someone thinks we don't need them as much, when in fact we'll likely feel like we need them more. They've always told us that we're never alone in this, that they're never more than a phone call away, to let them know what we need and how they can support us best. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE Open Arms Adoption Network? Have I told you how fantastic they are and how caring they are? We are so fortunate that we found them and chose them. They certainly have never treated us like just another family trying to adopt a baby. They have this amazing way of making us feel like we're the ONLY family trying to adopt a baby and that they are here for us and us alone. Of course that's not true, but they certainly treat us this way and it means so much to me!
Hey, have I told you lately that I'm tired of waiting? We are ready for this, so if any of you have connections out there and can make the wait come to an end, this would be a really good time to use those connections! Feel free...
Here we are, 5 months into our wait. <sigh>. Seems as if my dreams and my intutition were slightly off. I was pretty convinced (or just wishfully thinking) that our baby would find us in April, or around the 4 month mark. But, nope. Not yet. What we keep hearing is that when the time comes, and we've got our child in our arms, that it's all going to make sense. The road we've had to travel to become parents will make sense and it'll all be worth it. Intellectually, I'm sure that's true. Emotionally, it's hard to hear and harder to swallow. Time will tell. I'm sure I'll be reporting that it's all coming together. I will be saying that I understand now why things happened as they did, etc. But sometimes it just feels like crap.
We just went to our last seminar. Open Arms does such a great job of educating us on all aspects of the process. We recently went to one on The Developmental Understanding of Adoption, and then one on Genetic Vulnerabilities. We have been to each and every seminar that they've offered, and we've been through their entire repetoire. It feels good to have gotten through them all, and at the same time, it stinks to know we've been around long enough to get through them all. I'm already missing the consistent contact that the seminars allow us to have with Open Arms. Feels like someone's holding our hands when we know we can count on seeing them once month. I feel sort of out there and alone now, like we're growing up and someone thinks we don't need them as much, when in fact we'll likely feel like we need them more. They've always told us that we're never alone in this, that they're never more than a phone call away, to let them know what we need and how they can support us best. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE Open Arms Adoption Network? Have I told you how fantastic they are and how caring they are? We are so fortunate that we found them and chose them. They certainly have never treated us like just another family trying to adopt a baby. They have this amazing way of making us feel like we're the ONLY family trying to adopt a baby and that they are here for us and us alone. Of course that's not true, but they certainly treat us this way and it means so much to me!
Hey, have I told you lately that I'm tired of waiting? We are ready for this, so if any of you have connections out there and can make the wait come to an end, this would be a really good time to use those connections! Feel free...
Friday, May 6, 2011
Mother's Day
"Teri,
With Mother's Day approaching, I wanted to reach out and let you know I was thinking about you and also to share this article about waiting. I remember how difficult it was for me when I was waiting. Please know that you are not alone.
Peace and Love,
Stefani"
This is what I found in my inbox yesterday, from our social worker, Stefani. It was so touching to me. (see earlier post "The Weight of the Wait" to read the article that she was referring to here. What struck me as I read her email and then re-read this article was the fact that until that moment, I hadn't thought about Mother's Day in terms of myself. It sort of crept up on me, actually, and in thinking about it, I thought about my mother, and my mother in law, and how much I love and appreciate them. I thought of it as their day, not mine. I hadn't even realized, until that moment, that maybe I should feel sad. And then, I wondered, why don't I feel sad? This should be my first mother's day as a mother, and yet I'm not. We're still sitting here waiting, and sometimes, grieving a little bit. Yes, there are moments where I feel the weight of the wait, and it's a painful feeling. There are moments where I feel like my arms ache from the weight of the emptiness in them. But, those are moments and they're fleeting. Some moments are pretty darn hard. But you know what? This doesn't feel too real. It's sort of like something we constantly talk about and plan for, and yet it's never going to happen. It feels that surreal. That's frustrating, more than sad. More than not, we're just excited and the wait hasn't become too overwhelming just yet.
We went to another seminar last night. This one was on the developmental understanding of children who have been adopted. We liked the speaker a lot... someone we've heard speak on other topics before, but we like her more personally than we like her as a speaker. She's quiet, not too dynamic, and has great stories... oh, how she loves to tell her stories. She's someone that could probably talk for hours in tangents. But, she didn't address the topic at hand too well. It was a bit disorganized and not too thorough, but that's ok. We know where to find the information as we need it. She talked a lot about loss in adoption... both for the adoptive family as well as the adoptee. She talked about appropriate adoption language. She talked about the art of keeping information about the child's adoption private but not secretive so that the child is the first to hear the details that are his/her story. She talked about how to navigate that part of our journey and our story with others who are going to be curious and ask well meaning but potentially painful or intrusive questions. She told many stories about her own daughter by adoption. Anyway, while we were there, we were talking to another prospective parent who's been waiting now for a couple of months. I asked her how she's doing with her wait, and she just shrugged and said "We're doing fine. I mean, we're not crazy yet. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel". I think that's what we're feeling, too. How ARE we suppoed to feel? Am I supposed to feel sad on this upcoming Mother's Day because I would have been a mother had my baby lived? Am I supposed to feel sad because the adoption hasn't happened yet? Am I supposed to be going out of my mind with frustration and anxiety because the adoption hasn't happened yet and we don't have that little baby to love? Sometimes, those types of feelings hit us hard and out of the blue, so should I expect that? I think I'm just going to not worry to much about how I'm supposed to feel, and just feel whatever I feel whenever I feel it, knowing it's ok. We will be ok.
With Mother's Day approaching, I wanted to reach out and let you know I was thinking about you and also to share this article about waiting. I remember how difficult it was for me when I was waiting. Please know that you are not alone.
Peace and Love,
Stefani"
This is what I found in my inbox yesterday, from our social worker, Stefani. It was so touching to me. (see earlier post "The Weight of the Wait" to read the article that she was referring to here. What struck me as I read her email and then re-read this article was the fact that until that moment, I hadn't thought about Mother's Day in terms of myself. It sort of crept up on me, actually, and in thinking about it, I thought about my mother, and my mother in law, and how much I love and appreciate them. I thought of it as their day, not mine. I hadn't even realized, until that moment, that maybe I should feel sad. And then, I wondered, why don't I feel sad? This should be my first mother's day as a mother, and yet I'm not. We're still sitting here waiting, and sometimes, grieving a little bit. Yes, there are moments where I feel the weight of the wait, and it's a painful feeling. There are moments where I feel like my arms ache from the weight of the emptiness in them. But, those are moments and they're fleeting. Some moments are pretty darn hard. But you know what? This doesn't feel too real. It's sort of like something we constantly talk about and plan for, and yet it's never going to happen. It feels that surreal. That's frustrating, more than sad. More than not, we're just excited and the wait hasn't become too overwhelming just yet.
We went to another seminar last night. This one was on the developmental understanding of children who have been adopted. We liked the speaker a lot... someone we've heard speak on other topics before, but we like her more personally than we like her as a speaker. She's quiet, not too dynamic, and has great stories... oh, how she loves to tell her stories. She's someone that could probably talk for hours in tangents. But, she didn't address the topic at hand too well. It was a bit disorganized and not too thorough, but that's ok. We know where to find the information as we need it. She talked a lot about loss in adoption... both for the adoptive family as well as the adoptee. She talked about appropriate adoption language. She talked about the art of keeping information about the child's adoption private but not secretive so that the child is the first to hear the details that are his/her story. She talked about how to navigate that part of our journey and our story with others who are going to be curious and ask well meaning but potentially painful or intrusive questions. She told many stories about her own daughter by adoption. Anyway, while we were there, we were talking to another prospective parent who's been waiting now for a couple of months. I asked her how she's doing with her wait, and she just shrugged and said "We're doing fine. I mean, we're not crazy yet. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel". I think that's what we're feeling, too. How ARE we suppoed to feel? Am I supposed to feel sad on this upcoming Mother's Day because I would have been a mother had my baby lived? Am I supposed to feel sad because the adoption hasn't happened yet? Am I supposed to be going out of my mind with frustration and anxiety because the adoption hasn't happened yet and we don't have that little baby to love? Sometimes, those types of feelings hit us hard and out of the blue, so should I expect that? I think I'm just going to not worry to much about how I'm supposed to feel, and just feel whatever I feel whenever I feel it, knowing it's ok. We will be ok.
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