8 months

As of last week, we've been officially waiting for 8 months.  8 months.  It's long.  A couple that we've been starting to get to know through the agency, who finished their homestudy months after us, adopted a little boy 5 weeks ago.  When I heard that news, I so desperately wanted to feel happy and excited for them, but I was just sad and angry.  I had a "why us" moment.  Why couldn't that have been us?  What's wrong with us?  Why did they adopt so quickly, while we continue to wait and wait?  We so desperately want this to happen, and it feels impossible... like it never will happen.  I sound like a broken record inside my head, and possibly here as well.  I want us to become parents, and I want it now.  I feel like we'll be unbelievably excellent at it.  Why aren't the right people seeing that, too?  I've been questioning all that I wrote in our autobiography, as well as the "Hello" letter.  It doesn't sound genuine or sincere enough, it doesn't sound passionate enough, it didn't adequately describe the love we have in our family that will be shared with a baby, etc.  Making myself slightly crazy here, and nothing that I tell myself or anyone else tells me makes it any easier or makes it make sense any more.  I guess I've officially gotten to the "unbearably difficult" part of this process.  Maybe it's because I just spent a week with a group of exceptional kids, and with a pregnant co-worker.  Maybe it's because we've waited 8 months.  Maybe it's because we're a year past our miscarriage and approaching year since we officially started the adoption process, and we're still without a baby.  Maybe it's just because I'm human and life hurts a little bit sometimes.  I guess we just have to keep moving forward each day.  Some day, this painfully long wait will end.