A year goes by

One year ago today, I was filled with hope and excitement for a little while.  We were headed to the hospital for another little glimpse of our baby, and for the sequential screening test that would tell us that everything was fine (what else could it possibly tell us?  We'd been through so much to get to that point, that there was no way that anything was wrong now.)  However, our dreams and our hearts were shattered when we heard those words that I'll never forget... "Guys, I can't find a heartbeat.  I'm so sorry.".  What??  What does she mean?  Get someone else in here to look.  She must be wrong.  She has to be wrong.  This can't be happening.  Those were the thoughts that then ran through my head as I started to shake.  I'll never forget that feeling.   It was such a living nightmare. 
I wish I could stop thinking of all of these significant dates as anniversaries, but I can't.  I guess every time we mark another anniversary, or pass by a date that should have been significant (the baby's due date, another month of waiting, etc.) I also mark another day of enduring it and finding a strength I didn't know we would need or that we had.  It reminds me that we can do anything we have to do.  What other choice is there?  The other choice is how we go about it, and how well we do it, not IF we can or will.  I've learned so much over the course of this year.  First of all, that even when bad things are happening, time flies by and you get through it.  Also, I never ever realized how painful and heartbreaking a miscarriage could be.  I never really appreciated how much of a loss you feel when you've never seen touched, or held that baby.
Looking back over this past year, I am amazed that we've come so far, moved on as well as we have, and embraced the experience of adoption.  It's been somewhat turbulent, of course, but mostly we're really ready to start our family in this way that feels incredibly special.  We've met wonderful people who've experienced the same exact things that we have... the hope of giving birth and the crushing realization that it's not going to happen like that, as well as the excitement and anxiety that comes from building a family through adoption.  We're so ready for this!  Anticipating this day, the day that one dream died and another began, was a bit worse (isn't anticipation always the worst?) than actually experiencing it.  Tonight, we're going to the movies with dear friends who have been so supportive all along the way, and I had the opportunity to work once again with a wonderful co-worker that I haven't worked with in a year or more.  Those are the things I'm focusing on today, and tomorrow there'll be something else.  We're ok.