Good things come from Butterflies and Beatles

Ok, so you know how we've been telling you that the wait is going to be long?  That we're trying to settle into it, while we continue to be hopeful for a short process and an amazing experience? The end result being the baby we've been waiting for our entire lives?  We keep talking about how we have to prepare ourselves and find a way to deal with it in the best possible way.  Well, that's likely still true, but tonight I'm once again feeling like it could be just around the corner.  That's what this thing does to you... it messes with your mind, makes you think that either you have the power to will things into being or that you have no control at all.  You never know what your frame of mind will be each day until you're awake and living it.  Today, it feels like it's closer than it's been so far.  Yesterday I thought I'd only be a dog mommy in this lifetime.  Tomorrow?  Who knows.  That's for tomorrow to determine. 
People at work found out we were working on the family thing once we were well into our fertility treatments.  I'd already been through several unsuccessful IUI's and one IVF and miscarriage.  One person at work knew.  That was it.  When I had that first miscarriage, she gave me a St. Gerard metal.  Now, being a non-catholic, I had no idea what that Saint was for or what the metal meant.  When she explained to me that St. Gerard is the patron saint of fertility and parenthood, and that if I were catholic I'd pray to St. Gerard to help me with my infertility, I was so touched. She knew that I'm not catholic but she found what helped her and willed it to help me.  It brought me comfort, and I vowed to wear it until I bring a healthy baby into our home, permanently.  I have stuck to that promise, taking it off only for medical procedures that don't allow jewlery (for instance, when I had my D&E after my second and most devastating miscarriage.  I had it with me, though).  Anyway, I put the metal on a chain and have worn it as a necklace around my neck.  I work with one very catholic and very observant person, who noticed it right away and asked me which saint I was wearing.  I simply said "St. Gerard" and she replied, "Ah... worked for me!"  After that, everyone at work knew that we were trying to start a family and nothing was sacred.  They've all been terrific... so supportive and kind!  In fact, one co-worker brought me a pear tree to plant in our yard in memory of our baby that died.  I was beyond touched by that.  (The tree is thriving this summer and there's several small pears on it!).  They've continued to be supportive by asking about our process, showing interest and sharing a kind word or sentiment... telling me how they think I'll be a great mom when the time comes, reminding us that they're saying a prayer for us that things go well and happen fast.  Tonight, a co-worker hosted a small shower for us.  It was a great backyard BBQ, the food was outstanding, and everyone seemed to have a good time.  This co-worker, Muoy, made a mean Sangria!  They were so generous with Brian and I as well... giving us a baby "survival kit" with some baby essentials, and several gift cards to a variety of stores.  Muoy felt like the butterfly that continued to flit and flutter around the deck was a "sign" that something's going to happen soon.  She seemed so excited and confident about that idea.  We talked about how we got the van, and we have all of the other essentials in place, so it makes perfect sense that it's about to happen, especially with that butterfly.  I like it.  Then, tonight, we happen to be driving the van home, talking and listening to my ipod when a song from the Beattles Lullaby Album that Brian bought our future baby well over a year ago came on.  ANOTHER SIGN!   I know that we can find signs in anything and everything if we look and then assign meaning to them.  I know that our adoption is no closer today than it was yesterday (and yet, it's closer every minute, isn't it?) but I'm deciding.  I'm choosing to be optimistic and let myself believe, just for now, that maybe this is closer to happening than we can even imagine.  Tomorrow, the more negative, or more protective, or more cautious self may emerge.  Tonight, we're throwing caution to the wind and allowing ourselves the luxury of being excited about an impending adoption that feels close, and feels real.
Thank you to all of you who make each and every day bearable.  Thank you for your love, support, generosity, kindness, and caring.  Thank you for walking with us and keeping us moving, one foot in front of the other, even at times when it doesn't feel possible.  You make it possible.

One of many sleepless nights to come

It's Saturday, and it's 4:30 AM, and I'm awake.  Why?  I don't know.  Can't sleep.  I'm not one to usually lose sleep over anything.  Those who know me best know that I love, love, love my sleep.  Even if something's bothering me, I can sleep.  I guess it's a good escape.  But I woke up at 4:00 and now here I am, downstairs checking and updating the blog.  I have a feeling that this will not be my first middle of the night entry.  I'm thinking about my friend Angie and the fact that she's always got insomnia, and I wonder even more how she tolerates it.  I guess she's got no choice, but awake for 40 minutes and already I'm losing my patience.
We bought a mini van today.  Well, technically, yesterday.  The last big purchase in preparation for a growing family.  We'd taken a couple road trips recently with Ruby, and realized that with a baby and all the paraphenalia that comes with a baby, there's no way that it'll all fit into the trunk of either one of our cars.  My beloved Saturn is getting up there in age and miles, and it would have needed to be replaced anyway.  I feel confident that we could get a lot more miles out of it, but the time seemed right.  It's a big change... little car to really big one.  It'll take some getting used to.  So when I woke up a bit ago, I suddenly had baby stuff and car stuff on the brain.  Today a co-worker is hosting a "get together" for us which is in fact a baby shower.   It's co-ed, and I think she thought it would sound more appealing to the guys than a baby shower. She's probably right.  I don't know too many of their husbands/significant others, so it would be awkward to invite them to a "Baby Shower".  So, we have the van, and we'll have a lot of stuff, and we'll have no baby yet, possible for a long time to come.  <sigh>.  I was so happy to be able to let these thoughts out of my head while we were on vacation, and I was afraid that it wouldn't take long for the thoughts to dominate my mind once again soon after returning.  That's exactly what's happened.  I can't stop thinking about the adoption, how the wait is going to be long and painful, what we can do to take care of ourselves and lessen the anxiety around the wait, etc.  Haven't come up with anything too profound yet, but I'm trying.  Trying to believe in Open Arms' philosophy that it "all makes sense" when you have your baby in your arms, and that our baby will "find us" when the time is right.  That stuff is all well and good but in this sleepless moment, it sounds like BS to my ears.  Sometimes it's very hard to not be able to have what you really want. We all know what that's like.  We can't always have whatever we want when we want it, and it feels selfish and spoiled to think we deserve it anyway.  I certainly feel like we deserve it anyway.  It's amazing how I don't think I'd feel selfish if I were pregnant, or able to become pregnant, and wanting a baby.  But it does feel selfish in some ways to sit around waiting and wanting someone to call me up on the phone and offer me a baby.  Why is it any different?  It's not really, but at times it feels like it.  It's so hard to be at the mercy of someone else!  We're counting on Open Arms to give us what most everyone else can take for granted and not work quite so hard for.  I do think that our appreciation for this baby is going to be so high because of all we've been through to finally have a family.  I just pray each day that our wait isn't too long, that "our baby finds us" sooner than later so that things can make sense again.  I hope that big car out in the driveway isn't just going to carry me around by myself day after day when I drive it to work.  I hope the room upstairs doesn't become a Babies R Us storage unit.  We've got so many hopes and dreams, and so many plans... we just want to get on with it.  We want to start living this dream, not just talk about it. 

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the fantasy...

Brian and I met up with Stefani, our social worker, for lunch today.  It was a great break from work, always lovely to eat at Panera in the middle of the day, and great to see Stefani, whom we haven't seen in a few months.  It's been difficult to feel disconnected from the group and feel like we're out here on our own, so this was perfect.  As nice as it was to see her, the message was clear.  We'd better settle in for the long haul.  Everyone at Open Arms, especially Stefani, have been super supportive and kind.  You meet them, and you know they're on your side.  They WANT to make this happen for us, not just because it's their job and they need the statistics, but because they honestly care about each and every person who crosses their path.  I think this is one thing that makes them so unique and so special.  Along with that kindness and support comes the truth.  The tough, sometimes painful, always appreciated truth.  So the truth today was that they're getting busier and busier with more and more adoptive families.  They're doing more outreach.  They're stretching their wings and reaching more and more people.  They're getting really busy.  What that means for us, though, is that the wait is very real and very long.  When we started with them a year ago, they told all prospective adoptive families to expect to wait two years.  They are now telling their new prospective adoptive families to expect to wait 2 1/2 years.  That does not mean we will, but it doesn't mean we won't.  You know, when we heard to expect to wait two years, we also heard them say that it could be very fast as well... that we could wait two weeks, or two months.  THIS is what we heard the loudest.  That the wait could be fast.  We said we were settling in for the two year wait, but truth be told (again)... we didn't expect that at all.  We fully expected that we'd be parents before we knew it, that we'd be the ones they talk about when they said you could have a short wait.  As time marches on and we're still without our child, we still don't actually think it's us they're talking about when they say that you may wait two years.  How could that be???  Two years is a lifetime, isn't it?  We've had nothing but bad luck and heartache so far in this journey, so we feel our time has come and we're so optimistic that the wait is close to being over.  And yet, is it?  As we sat and got our much needed pep talk and support today, I think reality hit a little bit harder.  We need to embrace the fact that we're waiting, and that this could be our status for a long time to come.  I think my heart hurts a little bit more today than it has so far, but it's ok.  It's ok because we can take it.  We're very tough and we're resilient, but right now I don't feel like being tough or resilient.  I will be because I need to be, but I wish I didn't need to be.  We were talking numbers with Stefani.  How long do people really wait?  Why?  The answers, the numbers, are always the same.  Some wait two weeks, some two years.  A lot depends on who walks through their doors, who makes an adoption plan, who's open to what types of circumstances and scenarios.  There's often no rhyme or reason to it.  What she told us, too, is that of the 70 or 80 women a year that they counsel, only 16-18 will make an adoption plan for their babies.  That seems crazy, right?  But when you think about it, that's darn good counseling they're getting.  They work so hard to make sure that this is in the best interest of everyone... mothers, fathers, babies, extended families, hopeful adoptive families, etc.  They try to help the women find resources to help.  The better prepared the birth families are, the less "disrupted" adoptions they have.  If after all of the counseling they receive, they choose an adoption plan, chances are, this is absolutely the best choice for them, and it protects us in the long run. 
I think our meeting today was good, but I feel like it made it more challenging for me.  At least today feels challenging.  I kinda like my little fantasy world.  That's the one I prefer to live in.  It's the one where our baby is getting closer and closer and is almost here... the one that has us parenting before the holidays and not passing by yet another milestone... the one year "wait" mark.  Sit back, relax, and enjoy the fantasy!

Open Adoption: Not So Simple Math

I just read this article and have to share it with you.  I think it's so beautifully written from the perspective of a birth mother.  We can only hope to have this type of relationship.  I know I'll strive for it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/09/fashion/09Love.html

 

7 months and all is well...

Can you believe it?  Our official wait began 7 months ago yesterday.  Of course, we've been waiting in some way much longer than that, but our job was done in terms of trying... paperwork, homestudy, etc.  With our classes being finished and a couple months going by in between meetings or get togethers with our agency, it's at times very easy to slip into an every day routine of just being us, and at times, it's very difficult to just be us.  We spent a week alone together in the Adirondack Mountains this past week, followed by a really nice, really quality get together and dinner with family last night.  The mountains were great for all of the reasons that vacations are great... a break from reality, a time to kick back, relax, and enjoy.  For us, though, I think this trip was pretty significant.  It took us away from a tremendous amount of regular, every day stress, and speaking for myself, some mounting anxiety about how long we've sat and waited for that most important, life changing phone call.  We stayed in a little house on a beautiful, private lake called Loon Lake.  One of the highlights was sitting on the porch our first night, in the pitch dark, and hearing the call of the loon.  Pretty haunting sound, as Brian said, but also pretty beautiful in it's own way.  After that, we were always listening for them, and when canoeing on the lake, looking for the little guys that seem to be quite evasive. (Hmmm... now that I'm describing it like this, it reminds me of something else we're searching for that feels very evasive.  Wonder what that could be?).  We did spot some loons, and got some pictures and some awesome video.  They are facinating creatures!  Anyway, the week away was just what we needed.  We like to believe that this is our last vacation together, just us.  We like to think that our next vacation will include our first child.  It was so important to have this time.  At first, I was a bit resistent to taking a week off when I need to save all of my time off for when the baby does come.  Because I'm not giving birth, I don't require a "recovery" period (so says CHOP), and so, no "maternity leave" so to speak.  Any time off has to come from my vacation time, which seems totally discriminatory to me, but that's another story for another day.  I agreed to go on this trip, though, and it was so good and so important!  Just to have "our" time together, to regroup and appreciate our relationship was perfect.  I never get sick of him, you know... I just don't.  I loved spending every second of my days with Brian.  It's very comfortable, very comforting, and very much... being at home.  We spent a lot of time reading and hanging out, but had a good time playing tourist and doing things we don't otherwise have opportunity to do.  We took a Gondala Ride up White Face Mountain, did a sightseeing flight (itty bitty 4 passenger plane), did a raft trip, some hiking, biking, canoeing, and swimming.  We also checked out the Olympic Center at Lake Placid, walked down the Bobsled shoot and took a boat tour of Lake Placid.  We had some "events", as no vacation is totally perfect.  For starters, the cleaning crew had forgotten to do their jobs this time, and so the house was dirty when we arrived.  The amazing owners made things right though, by driving a couple hours to come clean it themselves and giving us a discount on our rent for the week.  It was nice.  Then, I took a small tumble as we hiked down a mountain and bruised my tailbone pretty good, as well as bruised my shoulder as I tried to catch myself.  Oh, and there was the crow that stole our steak dinner as we let it defrost on the front porch while we went out in the canoe.  I NEVER would have dreamed that a crow would ruin a meal for us, but he sure as heck did.  We just have to laugh at those things, don't we?  Other than those, it was perfect.  Thoughts of the baby were close, but not front and center.  As one wise person put it to me tonight... we were living in the present, not living in the past or for the future.  Just being together, in the present.  It was a relief. 
Brian and I are so good together... we are great companions.  We really appreciate each other.  I know that our dynamic will change so much once the baby's here.  I know it'll change in ways I can't even begin to imagine.  We'll change how we are by ourselves as well as how we are together.  I'm anxious about it, but mostly in really good ways.   I'm sure we'll learn a lot more about each other and ourselves, and we'll learn from each other.  I can't wait!  I was watching family members together last night (I'm sure you're reading this and you know who you are) and I was really loving and admiring the way they are together.  Always quick to joke and laugh, always ready with a hug.  Their dynamic is beautiful, their love for each other right out there and so clear.  They're a family of friends, and it's special.  I just can't wait for our- little family to come together, and to become a family of friends like that.

Who's training who around here?

It hasn't been the best of days, or even the best of weeks for that matter.  I've got puppy blues, among other things.  First, the dog's had diarrhea for three days.  If she were going outside where all dogs should go, I'd be better with it, but she's not.  I came home on Wednesday to find that she'd had an accident in her crate during the day... you can imagine what this means.  Wet messy dog crap everywhere inside the crate, on the dog, and on the wall next to the crate.  Luckily, most of the carpet underneath was spared.  I wasn't happy because it meant a lot of clean up for me, but I wasn't mad because she doesn't do this.  It truly was an accident and she likely has a stomach bug of some sort.  So, out she came and into the tub, where I scrubbed her from head to toe and she sparkled when I was done.  Then on to the bedroom, where I scrubbed the crate and the walls and all was well again.  Ruby was able to get outside to take care of her issues the rest of the night.  Thursday morning, she seemed to be back to normal.  I got up at my now-usual 5 AM to go for our morning walk (another reason I'm having a bad day... the scale says I've gained two pounds!  I've been trying to lose and am in a "Biggest Loser" competition with a friend.  I've doubled my amount of exercise and have eaten mostly well this week, so I should have lost instead of gained those two pounds.  I'm confused and frustrated!), and while on our walk, Ruby did her business and all seemed normal.  No worries.  I came home from work in the afternoon to find a horrible scene.  Ruby had not only had explosive diarrhea in her crate, but had managed to slide most of the crate tray out of the crate and broke it into a million pieces in the process.  Needless to say, the carpet was a wreck from her accident, the walls were completely splattered, and Ruby was in desperate need of another scrub down.  I spent the next two hours scrubbing her, the walls, the carpet, and steam cleaning.  The stain remains, however.  Another ruined carpet.  We couldn't put her in the crate when we left for work today, because it's broken and waiting for the new tray that should arrive tomorrow, so we gated her in the laundry room while we went to work.  Knowing that this was out of the ordinary and potentially stressful for her, we were afraid she'd bust out of the gate and have free roam of the house.  We did some fast puppy proofing before leaving for work.  It worked, to some extent.  When I got home, she had in fact busted out, but hadn't destroyed any of our property.  She had, however, had more diarrhea.  This time, on the formal living room carpet (which WAS nearly white in color, it's so pale beige) and she peed in the formal dining room.  Now, last night I did call the vet, and she's now on a bland diet.  I have no idea why my beige carpet had a huge pile of nearly black "mess" on it, but let me tell you, one more carpet down the tubes, another night of pure frustration on my part, and I'm worried about why my dog is sick. 
So, this may be all more information than you really needed to read about, but I'm sitting here thinking about what life will be like with our baby.  Not only because babies do these things to their Mommy's and Daddy's, but also, how will we handle these dog issues that frustrate me so much when we're also dealing with a baby?  People have constantly told me since getting Ruby that she's practice for the baby.  I actually don't think I need to practice picking up poop and cleaning.  It's not a skill that one aquires through practice.  So, these comments have irritated me to no end since I've started hearing them.  Does everyone who's expecting a baby get a dog so they can practice??? Why do people think I need to practice?  I don't think I do.  But, I DO think it's helping me practice patience and flexibility.  I find myself feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed when these things happen, and I can't stop worrying about why it's going on... is she sick?  Is this behavioral?  What did she eat?  Did I miss something?   If I worry this much about my dog, will I be an uptight, worrywart parent?  I've never thought of myself as uptight, so it's a hard one to imagine, but I sometimes don't like how I perseverate on things like this.
Anyway, the point of this is... who's training who?  Am I training Ruby, or is she training me?  I THINK I'm in charge and have the upperhand, but do I really?  I imagine that when the baby's here, I might question this very thing time and time again, as I perseverate and worry, stress, and clean up everyone's messes.  Tonight is a hard night, but tomorrow will be a new day, and I really do like my job here.  I love this dog, love taking care of her, love training her, and in some weird way, I guess I love being trained right back.