It's Saturday, and it's 4:30 AM, and I'm awake. Why? I don't know. Can't sleep. I'm not one to usually lose sleep over anything. Those who know me best know that I love, love, love my sleep. Even if something's bothering me, I can sleep. I guess it's a good escape. But I woke up at 4:00 and now here I am, downstairs checking and updating the blog. I have a feeling that this will not be my first middle of the night entry. I'm thinking about my friend Angie and the fact that she's always got insomnia, and I wonder even more how she tolerates it. I guess she's got no choice, but awake for 40 minutes and already I'm losing my patience.
We bought a mini van today. Well, technically, yesterday. The last big purchase in preparation for a growing family. We'd taken a couple road trips recently with Ruby, and realized that with a baby and all the paraphenalia that comes with a baby, there's no way that it'll all fit into the trunk of either one of our cars. My beloved Saturn is getting up there in age and miles, and it would have needed to be replaced anyway. I feel confident that we could get a lot more miles out of it, but the time seemed right. It's a big change... little car to really big one. It'll take some getting used to. So when I woke up a bit ago, I suddenly had baby stuff and car stuff on the brain. Today a co-worker is hosting a "get together" for us which is in fact a baby shower. It's co-ed, and I think she thought it would sound more appealing to the guys than a baby shower. She's probably right. I don't know too many of their husbands/significant others, so it would be awkward to invite them to a "Baby Shower". So, we have the van, and we'll have a lot of stuff, and we'll have no baby yet, possible for a long time to come. <sigh>. I was so happy to be able to let these thoughts out of my head while we were on vacation, and I was afraid that it wouldn't take long for the thoughts to dominate my mind once again soon after returning. That's exactly what's happened. I can't stop thinking about the adoption, how the wait is going to be long and painful, what we can do to take care of ourselves and lessen the anxiety around the wait, etc. Haven't come up with anything too profound yet, but I'm trying. Trying to believe in Open Arms' philosophy that it "all makes sense" when you have your baby in your arms, and that our baby will "find us" when the time is right. That stuff is all well and good but in this sleepless moment, it sounds like BS to my ears. Sometimes it's very hard to not be able to have what you really want. We all know what that's like. We can't always have whatever we want when we want it, and it feels selfish and spoiled to think we deserve it anyway. I certainly feel like we deserve it anyway. It's amazing how I don't think I'd feel selfish if I were pregnant, or able to become pregnant, and wanting a baby. But it does feel selfish in some ways to sit around waiting and wanting someone to call me up on the phone and offer me a baby. Why is it any different? It's not really, but at times it feels like it. It's so hard to be at the mercy of someone else! We're counting on Open Arms to give us what most everyone else can take for granted and not work quite so hard for. I do think that our appreciation for this baby is going to be so high because of all we've been through to finally have a family. I just pray each day that our wait isn't too long, that "our baby finds us" sooner than later so that things can make sense again. I hope that big car out in the driveway isn't just going to carry me around by myself day after day when I drive it to work. I hope the room upstairs doesn't become a Babies R Us storage unit. We've got so many hopes and dreams, and so many plans... we just want to get on with it. We want to start living this dream, not just talk about it.
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