Ok, so you know how we've been telling you that the wait is going to be long? That we're trying to settle into it, while we continue to be hopeful for a short process and an amazing experience? The end result being the baby we've been waiting for our entire lives? We keep talking about how we have to prepare ourselves and find a way to deal with it in the best possible way. Well, that's likely still true, but tonight I'm once again feeling like it could be just around the corner. That's what this thing does to you... it messes with your mind, makes you think that either you have the power to will things into being or that you have no control at all. You never know what your frame of mind will be each day until you're awake and living it. Today, it feels like it's closer than it's been so far. Yesterday I thought I'd only be a dog mommy in this lifetime. Tomorrow? Who knows. That's for tomorrow to determine.
People at work found out we were working on the family thing once we were well into our fertility treatments. I'd already been through several unsuccessful IUI's and one IVF and miscarriage. One person at work knew. That was it. When I had that first miscarriage, she gave me a St. Gerard metal. Now, being a non-catholic, I had no idea what that Saint was for or what the metal meant. When she explained to me that St. Gerard is the patron saint of fertility and parenthood, and that if I were catholic I'd pray to St. Gerard to help me with my infertility, I was so touched. She knew that I'm not catholic but she found what helped her and willed it to help me. It brought me comfort, and I vowed to wear it until I bring a healthy baby into our home, permanently. I have stuck to that promise, taking it off only for medical procedures that don't allow jewlery (for instance, when I had my D&E after my second and most devastating miscarriage. I had it with me, though). Anyway, I put the metal on a chain and have worn it as a necklace around my neck. I work with one very catholic and very observant person, who noticed it right away and asked me which saint I was wearing. I simply said "St. Gerard" and she replied, "Ah... worked for me!" After that, everyone at work knew that we were trying to start a family and nothing was sacred. They've all been terrific... so supportive and kind! In fact, one co-worker brought me a pear tree to plant in our yard in memory of our baby that died. I was beyond touched by that. (The tree is thriving this summer and there's several small pears on it!). They've continued to be supportive by asking about our process, showing interest and sharing a kind word or sentiment... telling me how they think I'll be a great mom when the time comes, reminding us that they're saying a prayer for us that things go well and happen fast. Tonight, a co-worker hosted a small shower for us. It was a great backyard BBQ, the food was outstanding, and everyone seemed to have a good time. This co-worker, Muoy, made a mean Sangria! They were so generous with Brian and I as well... giving us a baby "survival kit" with some baby essentials, and several gift cards to a variety of stores. Muoy felt like the butterfly that continued to flit and flutter around the deck was a "sign" that something's going to happen soon. She seemed so excited and confident about that idea. We talked about how we got the van, and we have all of the other essentials in place, so it makes perfect sense that it's about to happen, especially with that butterfly. I like it. Then, tonight, we happen to be driving the van home, talking and listening to my ipod when a song from the Beattles Lullaby Album that Brian bought our future baby well over a year ago came on. ANOTHER SIGN! I know that we can find signs in anything and everything if we look and then assign meaning to them. I know that our adoption is no closer today than it was yesterday (and yet, it's closer every minute, isn't it?) but I'm deciding. I'm choosing to be optimistic and let myself believe, just for now, that maybe this is closer to happening than we can even imagine. Tomorrow, the more negative, or more protective, or more cautious self may emerge. Tonight, we're throwing caution to the wind and allowing ourselves the luxury of being excited about an impending adoption that feels close, and feels real.
Thank you to all of you who make each and every day bearable. Thank you for your love, support, generosity, kindness, and caring. Thank you for walking with us and keeping us moving, one foot in front of the other, even at times when it doesn't feel possible. You make it possible.
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