The Pear Tree

Well, feeling a bit better today.  See?  This is how it goes.  Up one day, down the next.  I think we need to get used to it.  This is how it goes.  Today we're heading to a free car seat inspection, to make sure the seat is installed correctly and is +safe for the little /*-uy.  We keep thinking there's one more thing that we need to do before we get the call, so maybe, just maybe, this is it.  Could be.  Probably not.  But we'll keep looking for that one last thing, and guess what?  Chances are, there will be something we do before the call that we can say "Ah!  So THAT was it!".  Yup.  We will find something to make ourselves believe we were in control of it all along.  We're also going to a tennis expo tonight with friends.  Another item on the bucket list... spend time with friends, doing things that will be not necessarily impossible, but more difficult with an infant.
Our pear tree is growing like crazy!  Do you remember me mentioning that a co-worker gave us a pear tree in honor of our baby after we lost our pregnancy last summer?  It's called a "Moon Glow" pear tree and it was a little scrawny thing, but so cute and really special.  We planted in the corner of our backyard.  We needed something for that corner, as our Paper Bark Maple tree that we'd planted there the year before didn't make it through the first winter.  So, our empty hole was filled with a tree, to help us deal with our empty arms and the hole in our hearts.  It was great watching that tree really spring to life this year.  It took off, even producing some fruit.  Not any pears that we could eat this year, but they were pretty good looking.  I look at that tree and think it's really symobolic of our life.  We're growing every day, right along with it.
I remember that same co-worker coming to me a month or so later, tears in her eyes, saying that she had something she needed to tell me.  I was so nervous!  I thought she was going to deliver some awful news of some sort.  I work in a Children's Hospital with some mighty sick kids, after all.  But, no.  She said she was worried that I was going to be mad at her (ok, when do I really, really get mad?  Guess she doesn't know me all that well!) and at that point, I guessed it.  She was pregnant.  I just sparred her the anguish of spitting it out, and asked her "Are you pregnant?".  She thought I'd be mad that she's pregnant?  Really?  No, I reassured her.  I may be envious.  I may be mad at my stupid situation.  But, honestly, I could only be happy for her.  A wonderful person, a wonderful gift.  Simple as that.  I was excited and so happy for her.  And, a year later, her 4 month old daughter is a beautiful, perfect little girl that I got the honor of holding not too long ago.  I remember smiling and loving the feel of that little one in my arms.  People at work were worried about it, and came to me afterwards to check in.  So thoughtful.  Yes, I'm so happy for her, and yep, wish it were me, but really, this is good, and I'm ok.  It will be me, bringing my baby in for them to ow and ah over before too long.  I love that pear tree.  It acknowledges what came before, and it's a hopeful reminder that our baby is coming!

Questions, questions, questions...

We're at the point in the process where we need to update our criminal background checks.  Ugh.  That means we've been in this for a year.  Clearances need to be updated every year.  Our medical clearances and homestudy updates will be next. Our references will be after that. I can't believe it's been a year already.  9 months waiting, but a year since we embarked on this wild journey.  I know they told us we could wait two years, but I never imagined it.  I don't think I could imgine it.  Neither of us could.  We'd already tried for so long (or so it seemed) and the thought of having to wait another two years seemed impossible and unrealistic. We were sure to be picked quickly. But here we are... living the never ending wait, the impossible dream.  We go over it and over it in our minds.  Probably I go over it more than Brian, but he's living it too.  He's ready to be finished with this chapter and into the next, much more satisfying, exciting, and meaningful chapter.  This is the point where I start to question every choice we've made, every step we've taken.  This is where, though I know it's pointless, I start to regret every choice we've made.  Did we say the right things?  Did we really portray who we are to the best of our ability?  Did we make good, strong, sound decisions about our family and what our family will look like one day?  Are we open enough?  Selfless enough?  This is where I start to get mad at the circumstances that are beyond all of our control.  This is where I get mad that I can't control my outlook and my attitude, to keep it the positive, focused, and thankful attitude that I want to have.  This is where I  try to remind myself that I do get down about it and question things for a while, but then I bounce back and am ready to face the next day with confidence and excitement.  This is where it's hard to look at the Bucket list and smile, where it's hard to look forward to doing all of those things and make the most of the time we've got with just the two of us.  It' a day.  A moment in time.  It's ok to not feel good all the time.  I can still be proud of how we're handling this.  I want to look back on this time, once it's passed by, and feel like we did it really, really well.  There were a few events this past week.  One was Coffee Talk, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, where we (meaning adoptive families in all phases of the process) gather for dinner and conversation, companionship, and understanding. The other was a seminar on "Living as a Multicultural Family".   As much as I feel like these people get it more than anyone else, there are still distinguishing differences between us, and sometimes those differences make me continue to feel alone.  Maybe the difference is that someone gave birth once and is a biological parent, now turning to adoption to grow their family.  They get it, but not totally, because they are parenting now, and did so on their own. Maybe they've adopted already and are adopting again.  Well, the wait feels different to them than it does to me, right?  Because I'm questioning whether or not it's ever going to happen, and for them, they're wondering if it's going to happen again.  Maybe someone was in our position and yet only waited for 2 months.  They don't get what it's like to go through so much and then wait for over 9 months (and counting). So, it's tough.  At Coffee Talk this week, though, I found someone who's circumstances mirror our own more than anyone else we've met to date.  She and her husband went through fertility issues (not sure if she lost pregnancies or not, but that doesn't even matter too much) and made similiar decisions about their adoption as we have, and so they wait.  And they feel alone.  Brian and I spent hours and hours talking about what would be right for our family,and why, and we made choices based on that.  Talking about those choices with other people is like talking about your finances.  You don't do it.  It's private for a variety of reasons.  It's incredibly complex.  It's stressful.  It's not just about loving a baby.  I know that Brian and I are capable and willing to love any baby out there.  But the story doesn't end there.  There's a responsiblity (and a burden, as someone from our agency recently said) that we have to make sure our child grows up strong and secure in who he/she is, surrounded by every aspect of their culture, ethnicity, and race.  Emersed in it, to an extent, so that they are equipted to deal with whatever life throws at them.  I could be more specific, but I'm not going to be because I could go on and on about this topic.  While we are very open, we did make choices that are most likely responsible for keeping us in the waiting phase longer than we otherwise might have been.  It's very difficult for me, knowing that one choice or another could end this wait.  The very needy and selfish part of me wants to go back and make a new decision.  The confident, selfless part of me knows what we're realistically able to do for our child, and do well, and knows that we made selfless decisions even if they, at times, feel selfish.  It's such a head game at times... convincing ourselves of one thing or another.   Guess you could say we've made our first parenting decisions, and they weren't fun.  They were tiring, trying, painful, confusing, complex, and scary.  They were also right, even when they feel so wrong.  Welcome to parenthood, huh?  From what I hear, I'm not done questioning the choices I've made or myself, questioning our ability to parent and wondering if we're doing it right.  So, we just have to do the best we can to make the best choices possible.  And, as everyone at Open Arms likes to say so often, when we have our little baby in our arms and in our hearts, it's all going to make sense.  Every last bit of it. 

Parenthood

Anyone out there watch the show "Parenthood"?  I love that show!  I've loved it since it came on the air three or four seasons ago.  It's high drama, which I love so long as it's not a part of my real life.  I, in fact, do not like drama.  But, apparently, I love to watch it.  The show is very well done.   The actors and actresses do a great job. The characters are all likable and believable.  They're a family that fights like real families fight.  They fight with all that they've got, they hurt each other, they eventually apologize and move on, work things out, do what they need to do.  But, it's believable.  They love deeply, passionately.  They care about each other, they enjoy spending time together.  The show deals with some really tough topics.  I don't know many families that deal with SO MANY big issues, but this is TV, afterall, and the show must go on.  So, new issues are constantly cropping up.  They've tackled such things as infidelity, racism, interracial relationships, Asperbergers, drugs, alchohol, addiction, unemployment, relationships and age differences, etc.  Well, I'm sure by now, even if you don't watch the show, you're probably guessing why I'm bringing this up and what the latest storyline entails.  You got it!  Infertility and adoption.  At first, I was thrilled that they were talking about infertility.  I thought maybe they'd get it right.  They did pretty well, actually, though I felt it wasn't given nearly enough time and attention, because I know what a long, drawn out process anything involving a person's fertilty can be.  But, whatever.  They didn't make it out to be an easy fix.  Now, we move on to adoption (remember, I just mentioned that it wasn't an easy fix... it wasn't resolved).  So, I'm not going to be the person involved in adoption who stands up on my soap box and goes on and on about anything and everything adoption.  I'm not going to make my life all about it... it's one aspect of my life.  I'm not the adoption advocate who's out there criticizing the highway department because they throw out the concept of adoption in such inappropriate ways ("Adopt a highway"... like I'm going to parent that!), or doing the same with animal protection/advocacy groups ("Adopt a Panda").  I'm not watching movies and programs and finding fault all the time with how they portray adoption.  But, because I love Parenthood, and I'm afraid I'm about to be seriously disappointed in the writers on this one, I feel the need to discuss the storyline that's just getting underway, in the wrong way, about adoption.  Damn you, Parenthood, for disappointing!  Anyway, the story is just beginning.  At the end of last season, characters Julia and Joel, realizing that they want to expand their family but can't do it in a biological way, decide they'd like to adopt.  Fast forward to the first episode of the next season.  Julia and Joel haven't had any "interviews".  This is one way that some agencies do match birth and adoptive families together.  I have a friend who's going down the domestic adoption route as well, and she's using a different agency.  They do set up "interviews" between the birth family and the prospective adoptive family.  Oh, how thankful am I that we don't have to go through that?  I'd be a complete and total wreck each time and we would truly never become parents!  Anyway, back to Julia and Joel.  In this next episode, they're trying to become more intersting and attractive to birth parents and they're putting together a video profile in which Julia is saying that they are cool and have Lady Gaga's music in their home.  Then, fast forward and hour or so and she's at her office (she's a Lawyer) and she goes to the coffee cart to get a Latte, and she asks the young girl behind the counter (probably a Lady Gaga fan), who does not look pregnant to me, if she's pregnant.  A lot of inappropriate behavior follows, and ends with the girl telling Julia she is pregnant, but she's not "keeping it".  Really?  Surprise surprise.  We could see that coming from a mile away.  As the show goes on, Julia says more than once to family and friends that "Latte Girl" is pregnant and that she wants to "buy" the baby.  Ok, given that the character of Julia is not always appropriate, it might make sense that she'd say these incredibly stupid things, but how nice would it be if the writers of this show could get it right?  They're going to need to back up a bit, and I don't really see that happening (now, I didn't see this week's episode yet, so if any of you watch it, maybe there's something going on that I dont' know about yet, so forgive me if I ramble about things that I shouldn't ramble about).  First of all, "Latte Girl" has a name.  She's a person.  She has a story.  She's likely in pain, about to make the most difficult and courageous decision of her life.  If "Latte Girl" were real, and there are a lot of "Latte Girls" out there, she likely wouldn't be so flip about it, as if she doesn't care about that baby.  We know by now that most birth parents, if not all, are deeply in love with and deeply committed to their unborn children, and that's the reason they make an adoption plan.  They're not "giving them up".  They're doing the opposite.  They are planning for that child's future.  They're making the ultimate sacrifice for that baby.  When people make the conscious decision to get pregnant and have a baby, aren't they doing it out of selfishness?  I was when I was trying.  We wanted a baby.  We want a family.  We were thinking of ourselves first, though we know that the baby that becomes ours will have the best life we can possibly offer that child, and everything will become about him/her.  However, the first choice we made: to get pregnant and have a baby, was not for the baby's sake, but for ours.  That doesn't make us bad people.  That makes us human.  Just like everyone else.  I supposed our decision to adopt is just as selfish.  We're not doing it to give a poor needy child a home.  We're doing it because we want a baby.  After our need is met, we'll then pour our entire selves into meeting the needs of that baby.  Our first decision about our family is a selfish one.  No doubt.  But, think about the birth mother.  Her first decision was not to intentionally get pregnant.  People may argue that she was selfish not to prevent pregnancy, and though I don't agree, we could understand that thought, but we can't change it.  Her decision to place her child for adoption, to make an adoption plan, for her baby is the most unselfish act one person can do for another.  I'd like the writers of Parenthood to recognize this in some way on the show.  I want them to educate Julia.  By the time we were putting our profile together, we'd had lots of education through our agency and we knew so much about it.  We knew that we weren't "buying" a baby.  Yes, adoption is expensive, but we're not "buying" the baby.  Do people who give birth "buy" their babies?  They pay the hospital.  They pay for their benefits and then the insurance company pays the hospital.  A lot of money.  No. People pay for a service.  They pay for the doctor to deliver the baby.  They pay for the medications and other medical care they're getting.  They are not paying for the baby.  That's true in adoption as well.  We're paying for a service.  We're paying for our Criminal background clearances.  We're paying for our homestudy and the work our social workers put into writing up the reports and approving us.  We pay for the seminars and workshops that we attend.  We'll pay for a lawyer to help us with the legal aspects of adoption.  We are not paying for the baby.  Babies are not to be bought and sold.  So, please, give Julia the right language.  Help educate not only her, but the thousands of people who tune into the show each week and may or may not be familiar with what birth families and adoptive families are going through.  It's a really difficult road.  Don't make us look like insenstive idiots along the way.  Chances are, while we're waiting for our biggest heart's desire, we're questioning ourselves and our capability, our choices and our entire lives enough on our own, without the help of the media or anyone else.

+9 months and counting.../

I did what I had to do. Instead of using ovulation test kits or pregnancy tests, we did paperwork.  Instead of talking to an OB/GYN, we had home visits with our social worker. We did have monthly check ups.   They were workshops and classes that Brian and I took together, learning about all aspects of becoming a family through adoption.  I certainly ate enough for two (stress will do that to you) and put on more than my share of "baby weight".  We prepared and found a pediatrician, found a day care, and started planning out the nursery.  Month after month, there was something to do.  I've talked to my benefits department and my bosses, so that I can take my "maternity leave" when the baby comes.  And yet, the kid is about to be overdue.  Today marks 9 months of waiting, though we've been in this much longer than that.  This is THE longest pregnancy ever!  I'm not crying today.  I'm contemplating. I've read so much about people being so down and depressed at this point in the wait.  I'm not.  I'm not happy about it, mind you, but I'm still standing.  I saw yesterday that yet another family from Open Arms has adopted.  Seems like most of the people up on that website of theirs came after us, or close to the same time as us.  It's a good thing... means they're busy and they're placing babies.  Maybe we're next.  I wish more than anything this would happen now, (as in RIGHT now!) but I guess it's not.  I'm willing that darn phone to ring. Please ring!  Please... 
We're going to dinner and a movie tonight.  Part of the bucket list... do the things that might be hard once the little one comes.  We bought our tickets for The Lion King.  We're moving forward with it. 

Open Arms Picnic

  Today we went to a picnic hosted by Open Arms.  We've been to one that they had before, and it was really nice.  This one was no different, except that Mary, Dave, and Stacey came with us.  It was super nice to have some family with us.  I wanted them to come to keep them in the loop, have them feel included in our process, and to just simply see what it is we're doing, see who we're seeing, and feel a part of it in some small way.  It was great having some of the staff that have helped us get this far meet part of our family as well (SEE?  We have SO much to offer a baby!!  As if they didn't already know that...).  I was a bit apprehensive about how it would feel to be there.  We're approaching the 9 month wait mark.  Several people have adopted recently- people who are not us.  One couple in particular I was excited to see, and feeling some dread at the idea of seeing them.  They've recently adopted, and they were behind us in the process.  I was sad/frustrated/jealous/angry when I heard they'd adopted, and I thought those negative feelings had passed but wasn't sure what I'd discover when I actually saw them and saw their baby.  I'm super happy (and relieved) to report that though I did feel some envy, I also was genuinely happy to see them, meet their adorable son, and hear their touching story.  I felt excited for them.  Thank God.  It felt sort of hopeful to be there.  Maybe even inspiring in a way.  It's complicated.  The emotions are, and probably always will be, mixed, but as long as the positive emotions come out on top, I'm happy.  Our social worker wasn't there at first.  She was apparently with a birth mother who was delivering, or had just delivered, a baby at some point this weekend.  (Yes, Brian and I looked at each other with a hopeful glance.  Could she be with OUR baby right now?  We doubt it, but it's possible, right?).  When she did come, we had a quick but nice chat.  She said something very interesting to me.  First, I told her about my intentional attitude change.  I told her that I'm NOT letting the wait weigh me down anymore.  That I'm purposefully transforming the wait from a time of despair and sadness into a productive, exciting time.  No, I didn't really tell her that in those words, but I did tell her that I'm not letting the weight get the better of me, that we're ok and doing well.  She was getting ready to run off and make her rounds before she returned to the hospital, and she hugged me and said "I just want you to know that everything's good".  Hmmm... how to interpret that?  At first, I thought she was just being her usual optimistic and encouraging self.  She's very good at trying to pick us up, and keep us up.  She acknowledges the difficulty of this process while keeping us focused on the postive outcome.  But, there was something in the way she said "I want you to know that everything is good"  (Or was there?  Not sure)  I started to hear something else there.  Then, she said "I've gotten lots of really good feedback on your profile.  Just people haven't followed through.".  So, the way I interpreted it, I think there's been some potential birth families who've looked at, and liked, our profile, but in the end decided to parent rather than make an adoption plan for their babies.  I'm interpreting that as meaning that we might have been picked, had someone decided make that adoption plan.  You can always find meaning in people's words, whether or not that meaning is really there.  Brian and I started to process what she meant on the way home from the picnic.  He brought up a good point in that they (meaning Open Arms staff) try really hard not to give anyone false hope.  They're very good at being supportive, yet truthful, and they tend to air on the side of caution.  They say it like it is, not sugar coating any of it, so that we're prepared for anything, even a long, painful wait.  So, to tell me that everything is really good, was Stefani telling us something else? Does she know something that we don't yet know, but will find out about soon?  Was she trying to give us a message... "don't stress, it's about to happen"?  After talking it all through, we decided that no, she wasn't telling us something without telling us.  She was simply being encouraging, letting us know that we haven't been chosen, not because we're not good enough or not because people don't like us, but because it hasn't been right for the birth families.  She was giving us hope, something to hold on to, without it being false hope.  Our profile is good.  People are seeing us.  We'll get there.  Maybe before two years is up.  Maybe soon?  We can't read into what she says.  She does say it like it is.  I appreciate that.  So, the roller coaster ride continues on.  Just when we decide we're going to have this tough, positive attitude, we're brought back down to reality.  This is an emotional ride, and we'll have positive days, and days that feel tough.  One word, or statement from someone can change the way we're feeling in that moment and make us start to question things, hope for things, and feel it in a different, more more intense way than we had before.  It's just how it is, and we can deal with that.  We just have to work harder to get ourselves back in to the preferred state of mind so that we can make our way through tomorrow and the next day. Overall, I think I feel good about what Stefani said, and we also heard from another staff member that they've been really busy lately, and that they've done a lot more outreach, getting themselves out into other communities that they haven't been in before.  Like it or not, today the adoption feels right around the corner.  I wish the block wasn't so darn long!  I'm eager to get around that corner!!

Baby Bucket List

O.K, it's time to make this wait an exciting adventure and an opportunity rather than thinking of it as time ticking away and us being without... no more marking time by sad anniversaries.  We'll still mark time, of course, because each day that passes, we're one day closer to our baby and it's one more day we've successfully navigated our way through.  Someone I know who recently gave birth set up a "baby bucket list" of things she wanted to do before the baby was born that would be difficult or impossible to do once the baby was here.  We've spent a lot of time preparing... taking our classes and workshops through Open Arms, gaining support and friendship through Open Arms, finding a day care and a pediatrician, collecting the essential baby stuff, getting the van, etc.  We've filled our time with Ruby, training her and helping her become a "good citizen" as best we can before the baby comes.  Now, it's time to focus on us for whatever length of time we've got left as a couple without children.  So here goes.  Here's the beginning of my baby bucket list.  Some are practical things, some are fun things, some are things that we'll still do with the baby, but it might not be quite as easy or quite as simple.  For those of you who have kids, think back and tell me what you wish you had done before you had kids?  Help us create a fun list, and feel free to join in on any that you find interesting.  I'm making it my mission to do as many of these things as we end up having time for... since we don't know how long we've got to dive into the list, we can make it as long as we want.

• Sleep late as often as possible (VERY high priority!)
• Read... spend whole days or a whole weekends on the couch with a good books.
• Explore as many of the hiking trails in Valley Forge as we can (we started this one today.  Had a really nice hike there with Ruby and Brian)
• Clean and organize the basement... I also have a head start on this.  Worked on it during hurricane Irene.
• Go to NYC for the weekend, see The Lion King on Broadway.
• Re-do our bedroom... paint, bedding, curtains, accessories.
• Go to lots of movies.
• Try out new restaurants.
• Go to tons of concerts/shows in and around Philly.
• Scrapbook with the girls.
• Take a spontaneous trip someplace for a weekend.  This means that Brian can't research it too much ahead of time, that we need to really just pick up and go.  This will be challenging... he's a planner!
• Have some dinner parties... invite friends and/or family over more often.
• Go to Phillies and Reading Phillies games.
• Kayak on the canal.

What else?  I'm sure this list is by no means complete!  It's nice to be thinking of the positive rather than focusing on the negative for a change.  I've been ok... I think I have "moments" but am pretty good at standing up, shaking myself off, and moving on.  Last month was hard... a combination of passing the anniversary of the miscarriage, having a "near miss" with a baby, crossing over the 8 month wait mark, and having one of our adoption cohort friends adopt a baby.  That stuff together really stunk!   Brian's done better than me.  He seems pretty good most of the time, and he's wonderfully supportive of me when I'm in a mood or having a moment.  I think he's going to be happy to focus on this bucket list rather than what else we have to do to prepare for the baby, or how to get through a difficult patch.  Thanks to all of you out there who have been so sweet and supportive along the way, too.  Your caring means more to us that you'll ever, ever know.