Open Arms Picnic

  Today we went to a picnic hosted by Open Arms.  We've been to one that they had before, and it was really nice.  This one was no different, except that Mary, Dave, and Stacey came with us.  It was super nice to have some family with us.  I wanted them to come to keep them in the loop, have them feel included in our process, and to just simply see what it is we're doing, see who we're seeing, and feel a part of it in some small way.  It was great having some of the staff that have helped us get this far meet part of our family as well (SEE?  We have SO much to offer a baby!!  As if they didn't already know that...).  I was a bit apprehensive about how it would feel to be there.  We're approaching the 9 month wait mark.  Several people have adopted recently- people who are not us.  One couple in particular I was excited to see, and feeling some dread at the idea of seeing them.  They've recently adopted, and they were behind us in the process.  I was sad/frustrated/jealous/angry when I heard they'd adopted, and I thought those negative feelings had passed but wasn't sure what I'd discover when I actually saw them and saw their baby.  I'm super happy (and relieved) to report that though I did feel some envy, I also was genuinely happy to see them, meet their adorable son, and hear their touching story.  I felt excited for them.  Thank God.  It felt sort of hopeful to be there.  Maybe even inspiring in a way.  It's complicated.  The emotions are, and probably always will be, mixed, but as long as the positive emotions come out on top, I'm happy.  Our social worker wasn't there at first.  She was apparently with a birth mother who was delivering, or had just delivered, a baby at some point this weekend.  (Yes, Brian and I looked at each other with a hopeful glance.  Could she be with OUR baby right now?  We doubt it, but it's possible, right?).  When she did come, we had a quick but nice chat.  She said something very interesting to me.  First, I told her about my intentional attitude change.  I told her that I'm NOT letting the wait weigh me down anymore.  That I'm purposefully transforming the wait from a time of despair and sadness into a productive, exciting time.  No, I didn't really tell her that in those words, but I did tell her that I'm not letting the weight get the better of me, that we're ok and doing well.  She was getting ready to run off and make her rounds before she returned to the hospital, and she hugged me and said "I just want you to know that everything's good".  Hmmm... how to interpret that?  At first, I thought she was just being her usual optimistic and encouraging self.  She's very good at trying to pick us up, and keep us up.  She acknowledges the difficulty of this process while keeping us focused on the postive outcome.  But, there was something in the way she said "I want you to know that everything is good"  (Or was there?  Not sure)  I started to hear something else there.  Then, she said "I've gotten lots of really good feedback on your profile.  Just people haven't followed through.".  So, the way I interpreted it, I think there's been some potential birth families who've looked at, and liked, our profile, but in the end decided to parent rather than make an adoption plan for their babies.  I'm interpreting that as meaning that we might have been picked, had someone decided make that adoption plan.  You can always find meaning in people's words, whether or not that meaning is really there.  Brian and I started to process what she meant on the way home from the picnic.  He brought up a good point in that they (meaning Open Arms staff) try really hard not to give anyone false hope.  They're very good at being supportive, yet truthful, and they tend to air on the side of caution.  They say it like it is, not sugar coating any of it, so that we're prepared for anything, even a long, painful wait.  So, to tell me that everything is really good, was Stefani telling us something else? Does she know something that we don't yet know, but will find out about soon?  Was she trying to give us a message... "don't stress, it's about to happen"?  After talking it all through, we decided that no, she wasn't telling us something without telling us.  She was simply being encouraging, letting us know that we haven't been chosen, not because we're not good enough or not because people don't like us, but because it hasn't been right for the birth families.  She was giving us hope, something to hold on to, without it being false hope.  Our profile is good.  People are seeing us.  We'll get there.  Maybe before two years is up.  Maybe soon?  We can't read into what she says.  She does say it like it is.  I appreciate that.  So, the roller coaster ride continues on.  Just when we decide we're going to have this tough, positive attitude, we're brought back down to reality.  This is an emotional ride, and we'll have positive days, and days that feel tough.  One word, or statement from someone can change the way we're feeling in that moment and make us start to question things, hope for things, and feel it in a different, more more intense way than we had before.  It's just how it is, and we can deal with that.  We just have to work harder to get ourselves back in to the preferred state of mind so that we can make our way through tomorrow and the next day. Overall, I think I feel good about what Stefani said, and we also heard from another staff member that they've been really busy lately, and that they've done a lot more outreach, getting themselves out into other communities that they haven't been in before.  Like it or not, today the adoption feels right around the corner.  I wish the block wasn't so darn long!  I'm eager to get around that corner!!