Well. Today is February 25, 2011. This was the day we were told that we could expect our baby to arrive. I remember being told when our due date was. I think just hearing a date, spoken out loud, was so amazing! It was like a promise of what was to be, and it felt great. At the time it felt so far into the future, but it came up so quickly! I've thought of it often since the miscarriage. I've spent much of this month, wondering silently what it would feel like, if it would bother me, if I'd feel sad, what it would be like to actually be IN this day, etc. I realized last night that all of the worrying has happened because all along I've been sad, and it's bothered me that we don't get to experience the birth of our baby, and never will. While I do feel like this, I'm simutaneously feeling excited and hopeful for our adoption. So weird to feel opposing feelings at the same time. We have such a longing for our baby... to hold and love him/her. It hurts just a little bit that it's an unknown right now, rather than happening today or tomorrow or whenever that little daughter of ours would have make her appearance.
I decided that the best place for me today is at home. I worked this morning, but took the afternoon off to just be. No special plans, no special needs other than to just be here at home, where I feel most comfortable and relaxed. Ruby is at my feet enjoying her "oinky" (Pork skin with sweet potatoe filling... oh, yum!) and keeping me company. It's a gloomy, windy, and wet day. It started out that way and is expected to stay that way all day. Funny thing is that on my way home this afternoon, the clouds parted just enough to see some blue sky and allow the sun to shine down on me for a little bit. Ok, well... maybe it wasn't shining down on ME so much as down on the earth where I happened to be, but I choose to believe it was a message meant for me, to keep my chin up and keep looking to the future, which is going to be so bright!
*hugs*
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