Milestones

I haven't blogged in awhile because it's been crazy, and it's hard to collect my thoughts and get them down on paper.  We've entered into a busy, busy time period.  Busy meaning, Brooklyn is a busy kid!  She's at an incredibly awesome and amazing stage, and mixed in with that is a very frustrating one!  As any of you who have had a 7 or 8 month old know, finding their indepenence and their "voice" is so important.  Brooklyn's done that.  She's become very much her own person.  The changes she's going through are happening in the blink of an eye, literally.  I turned around the other day to see her holding her blanket with two hands, up in front of her face and pulling it down with a huge smile on her face... she was playing peek a boo with my sister, and totally getting it!  We've played that game with her over and over again for months, but she'd just laugh at us (I'm assuming thinking we look pretty silly doing that!) but never initiated it or did it independently.  Never showing us that she gets the game.  A while later, she was sitting on the floor, playing.  Something made her happy, and she started clapping her hands in her own little way.  What?  Didn't know she could do that.  Another first.  She also started crawling on all fours, not just "swimming" across the floor.  Amazing to watch.  Totally delightful.  Most of it, we caught on tape or were able to catch some portion of it on tape.  I love it.  I love everything about it.  Then, there's the diaper changes and the clothing changes.  Those chores, I don't love so much because it's suddenly a chore!  She twists, she turns, she cries, she screams, she rolls around and fights it every single step of the way.  I know you know what I'm talking about.  I just feel exasperated... I try to ask her... WHAT is so bad about getting a dry, clean diaper on?  Why is it so awful to put on clean clothes?  Doesn't it feel better to get your nose snot sucked out so you can breath easier?  Right now, she just wants no parts of it, and she fights and fights.  While it's exasperating and frustrating, it's also sort of cool to see her expressing her opinions, trying to let me know what works for her and what doesn't.  She's a little turkey, that girl.

We saw her birth family a couple weeks ago.  It was great.  Really, truly great.  They love her, it's so clear in every single interaction.  They respect us as her parents.  That's just as clear.  People ask me all the time how it is, how it feels, and tell me that they couldn't do it.  Again, I think to myself... how could you not?  I couldn't deny her this experience... the experience of knowing where she came from, how she got to us, and why; the experience of having all of these amazing and caring people love her.  We were at a park, and at one point, we were all sitting around Brooklyn, who was rolling around on a blanket on the grass.  She literally was surrounded by her birth mom, her birth mom's son, sister, sister in law, friend, and friend's daughter, not to mention Brian and I.  There she was, the queen sitting on her throne, surrounded by adoring people.  What an awesome experience.  We were meeting her birth mom's sister, A., for the first time, and A. was asking Brooklyn questions like "Are you a happy baby?  You like your pacifier, what else do you like?"  The questions were obviously for us, asked through Brooklyn.  We answered them.  We told her that Brooklyn likes to sleep,  but is a lousy napper most of the time.  A., said to Brooklyn, "You're not like your Mommy then, because she likes to sleep all the time".  Of course, I knew who she was referring to, and I knew it was unintentional, but I couldn't help but feel a tiny little sting when she referred to Marie as "Mommy".  The thing was, A. caught herself and corrected it, without me having to mention it at all.  After that, I felt like A. was going out of her way to refer to me as "Mommy".  For example, she was holding her and Brookyn started to fuss a bit, and she pointed to me and said "It's ok, Mommy's right there".  So, basically, it was a slip, she caught it, and she corrected herself.  I know this is weird for her still, and there's so much for all of us to learn about Open Adoption and how it works; defining the relationships, figuring out how to interact with each other, learning about one another, etc.  I feel so honored that this family chose us, and that they continue to stay connected with us.  I think Brooklyn's life is going to be so rich and full, and so filled with love.  I'm so, so thankful.

Full Circle

Well, we've made it.  All of the blood, sweat, and tears has brought us to this moment.  We are one.  We are a family of three.  We are legal and official.  We are love!  Today, we went to court for the final hearing and to finalize Brooklyn's adoption.  It was a LONG day.  We got there at 9, and finally were seen by the judge at 2 PM.  To be sitting on a folding chair with a six month old baby for 5 hours, in a hallway, is NOT a pleasant way to spend a day.  However, I have to admit... this baby was amazing!  Not a fuss out of her.  We came prepared... a box of toys, her pacifier, her blankey, food, and grandparents.  And oodles of patience.  It's a long story, but a mix up (I'll give him the benefit of the doubt) on our lawyers part made it the way it was, but the end result was the same.  We became a legally connected family.  Can't begin to explain the emotional impact of that statement.  A huge sigh of relief.  A huge thank you.  Immense gratitude.  A beautiful, happy, sweet baby who we get to parent forever... Wow, I can hardly believe it.  I am so ridiculously happy.  Our little short stack.  Tears of joy are flowing tonight.  I can't help but spend time thinking about Marie.  Marie made this happen.  We had a really awesome and powerful conversation on the phone the other night that hasn't left me yet.  That is one special woman, folks.  She's intelligent, and kind, and sweet, and quirky and funny.  I adore her.  She adores us.  She adores this little girl.  We are family.

Sleep Training

Ok, so I know that everyone has opinions on this subject... I've gotten some feedback that rocking to sleep is best; I've heard the opposite.  I know that it's a personal decision about what's best not only for the baby, but for the family.  I've done some reading.  I've done some talking.  I've done tons of thinking.  I've thought out loud to and with Brian.  We decided that sleep training is important to us and for Brooklyn, and tonight was night number one.  It's behind us, thankfully.  Up until tonight, we had a semi routine, and we rocked her to sleep.  It was such a special time, and I'll miss it desperately.  There's nothing like those quiet moments, just her and I, up there in the nursery rocking in her rocking chair.  Brian loves it, too.  She has this awesome way of looking directly into your eyes, and you feel so connected at that moment.  It feels so good, to hold her as she relaxes and calms for the night, either reading, singing, or just rocking together.  She likes to reach up and touch your face, sometimes not so gently but mostly, very gently.  When she's ready to fall asleep, she'll turn into you so she's laying on her side, resting her cheek against your arm and draping her arm across it.  She's so comfortable and feels so secure.  Those quiet, special moments are so sweet and I savor them.  That being said, I strongly feel it's important for her to be able to self sooth, to know how to put herself to sleep.  I talked with enough people who've been there, done that, that I believe this is the right time.  As hard as it is for me to give up those quiet moments, I know that it's not about me, really.  It's important for Brooklyn.  We may miss these moments, but they'll be replaced by other moments.  She's a cuddly kid... that's not going to change because she's going to sleep by herself every night.  I know I'm probably sounding like I'm trying to convince myself of this, and I guess I am, but deep down I know this is the right thing.  It's just SO HARD.  I know, I know... you're all probably thinking "Welcome to parenthood"... well, shhhh... don't say that out loud to me.  I know it.  I never expected this to be easy.  I know it's one of many things that will challenge me along the way.  Tonight actually went better than I expected, as awful as it was.  I was working up to this day, preparing in my own way.  I probably enjoyed last night's bedtime a lot more than usual, and tonight, when she got home from Day Care, Brooklyn was exhausted and needed a nap.  I rocked her to sleep and then held onto her.  I didn't put her in her crib like I normally do.  I sat in that chair and rocked with her for an hour, before I finally put her down and she continued to sleep for another hour and a half.  But, inside I was dreading tonight.  Used the fact that she took a long evening nap to prolong the inevitable and let her stay up later than usual.  I was anticipating the worst.  As it was, it was hard to do it.  It started off well enough... when I put her into her crib, she had her pacifier and her blanket, and she rolled to her side as she usually does when we put her in asleep.  I thought... tonight will be the night that she falls asleep quickly and easily just to make me crazy.  But, she didn't.  She rolled around and talked and played for about 10 minutes before she realized what was happening.  She started out slowly and built momentum.  I went out to the patio and sat so I couldn't hear her cry.  After about 10 minutes, I went up and told her it was ok, gave her a quick pat on the back, and left the room.  The crying built up to a level where she was gagging on her saliva, coughing and gurgling.  I knew she was ok though, so Ruby and I walked around the block (Brian was in the house... focused on a project, so it didn't bother him as much as it did me).  I came back after 10 minutes and did the check again.  Told her it was ok, time to go to sleep, quick pat on the back, and back outside with Ruby for another 10-15 minutes. When I got home that time, she'd just fallen asleep.  Total time for sleep training night #1... 40-45 minutes, with the first 10 being "playtime".  Phew.  We survived it.  And, Ruby was in total heaven.  This dog was my savior for a year and a half, distracting me from the wait and making life bearable.  She was my diversion... the center of my world.  She sadly lost that status and got a bit lost in the shuffle these past 5 months.  I've felt so guilty about it, but there wasn't much I could do about it.  Ruby started acting up, and as much as she loves Brooklyn (and she does), she's very jealous and attention seeking.  Tonight, it was like old times.  Me and Ruby, walking the neighborhood.  She walked with her head a bit higher and was just in her glory.  I have to make a note of that, and make sure that we get our time together every day.
So, overall, we survived it.  We will be stronger tomorrow, and the next day and the next, or however it takes.  We'll still get some cuddle time, some special, connected time, but it'll look and feel different.  But Brooklyn will be happier, and at Day Care, maybe she'll sleep better.  It's hard, but it's necessary, and I'm glad Brian and I made this decision.  Sleep well, little baby Brooklyn.  We love you.

An Important Day

Today was a big, important day.  One step closer to having Brooklyn's adoption finalized and one step closer to being an "official" real family, though we've been a "real" family since January 26th, in my eyes.  We had our preliminary hearing at the courthouse today.  That means that we took Brooklyn, went to court, met with our lawyer, talked to the judge, and the end result is that Brooklyn's biological parent's rights are now terminated.  It was pretty uneventful... our lawyer asked us a bunch of questions in front of the judge, we answered them, the judge gave his schpeal, and declared her biological parent's rights terminated.  As uneventful as it was, it was still an emotional, bittersweet moment.  Bittersweet because we love Marie, and we know just how difficult this whole process was for her.  It caught me by surprise...  I wasn't expecting to feel the way I did at this hearing... the next one, maybe.  That's the big one where we finalize.   As this day approached, it was on my mind more and more.  Actually, up until yesterday, I didn't even realize that Marie's rights hadn't officially been terminated.  It makes sense now, but I didn't realize it because when she signed the papers three days after Brooklyn's birth, we knew she couldn't change her mind, that it was done.  We knew it was a different story when it came to her Biological Father.  His rights were not terminated, and he never signed a thing, so technically, he could have come around and we'd have had to fight for Brooklyn.  We knew it was a risk, but the risk felt minimal and we rarely thought much about it.  I never felt threatened by it, that I was aware of.  As we got closer to today, and I realized it was on my mind and I was feeling some anxiety/excitement about it and wanting this day to hurry up and come, it hit me that I was worried about him being out there still, and I felt such relief today.  Even though we haven't finalized yet, I feel a huge sense of relief and gratitude, that nobody can really take her away from us now.  She is our daughter.  Of course, that's technically not even true.  Open Arms could find us unfit and could stop the adoption from happening, but we're in sort of tight with them, and that's not the vibe I'm getting!  :) 
Things have gone so smoothly with most everything that's happened in terms of Brooklyn and the adoption.  We did have a little glitch yesterday with the lawyer.  He'd sent a letter weeks ago, with all of the information about today and we were to be in court at 1:30.  We therefore scheduled our third post-placement visit with Stefani for this morning, so we could do both in the same day.  He (our lawyer) called yesterday to confirm, but told me that the time had been changed last week, from 1:30 to 9 AM.  Excuse me?!  What????  And we're just hearing this now?  Our conversation went from bad to worse and ended with a very angry Mama here.  I won't go into the details, but I wasn't happy with how he handled it and some of the things he said to me.  Bottom line is that we had to change our day around (not the end of the world) and we were still able to do both things today.  If this is the worse glitch we have in this whole adoption process, we're doing really, really well.  I can't complain about it.  We've had a beautiful experience in every other way, and I'd rather have a challenge like this one that's easily overcome than all of the millions of other things that could have happened or gone wrong.  I'm feeling much more positive about it today than I was yesterday.  If I'd posted yesterday, it would have been a very different read for you all. 
Our meeting with Stefani was as always... great. It's such a joy to work with her, because it doesn't feel like work.  She's always so helpful, so supportive, so encouraging.  It's great fun to talk about Brooklyn and all that she's doing now, too.  We can always count on Stefani and everyone from Open Arms, for that matter, to make us feel really special.  We so appreciate them!
Overall, it was a great day, and we're flying high right now.  We love you so much, Brooklyn Lily, and we're so happy that you're here to stay!

Growing and changing

It's been awhile, so I thought I'd stop in and let you know what's been happening.  Time is somewhat limited these days, as you can imagine.  But, life is good.  It's very, very good.  Brooklyn is growing and thriving.  She's changing so fast.  She's started Day Care.  We're all adjusting, slowly but surely.  It was rough for a while there...maybe more so on Mommy and Daddy than on Brooklyn, but it was taking a toll on her as well.  She's got tons of little friends at Day Care, and so, it's loud, chaotic, and very overstimulating.  She comes home exhausted, wants to take a long evening nap, and while she'll go down ok at night, at first she wasn't sleeping soundly at night.  It was fitful.  She'd wake up more than usual (she was JUST starting to sleep 7 hour nights and had slept through the night once... that all changed.  Thanks, Day Care!), when she woke up, she'd want to be held, would fall asleep in our arms, but  wake back up again when we tried to put her down.  It was exhausting for all of us, and sort of lonely, as we wouldn't get any quality time with her after work.  But, things are turning around.  She's sleeping better at night.  We started swaddling her again and that seems to help.  She's discoverd that she can roll, quite easily, from back to belly.  The problem?  She gets stuck, and therefore, angry, because she's not as proficient at going the other way, from belly to back.  She can do it, but not consistently.  So, she'll be ok for a minute or two and then starts yelling for help.  This was a big problem when we'd put her down in her crib for a nap or at night.  She'd roll, get stuck, and get mad.  We'd have to get up, rock her back to sleep, and hope when we put her down again that she'd stay asleep.  This was not going over well with me at all.  So, swaddling helped for awhile.  Now, she can get out of the best swaddle (HOW does she do this?).  The good things is that if she's really tired, she can put herself back to sleep on her own because she's realized that she can sleep on her tummy.  Thank God. 
Besides rolling around and trying to adjust to Day Care, she's turned into a smiling, laughing, happy girl.  I used to think she was such a serious baby, and to a degree, I still believe that, but she's much quicker to share a smile with strangers than she used to be, and she smiles all the time for us.  She laughs out loud, and it's the most beautiful sound in the world.  She's so content... entertains herself pretty well for long stretches in her exersaucer.  She loves to be outside, so we go for walks or hang out on the patio quite a bit.  She's starting to pay more attention to Ruby, who's always paid too much attention to Brooklyn.  She tolerates that dog pretty well... she's constantly getting a bath from Ruby's tongue... getting her feet and hands licked, getting a big kiss across the forehead.  Yuck.  But, Brooklyn doesn't mind.  She just sits there and takes it.  Yesterday, she grabbed onto one of Ruby's ears and gave it a good yank.  Someday, Ruby will figure out that she doesn't like that and might start to give the poor kid some space, but I'm not holding my breath for that to happen.
Mother's Day came and went, and what a different Mother's Day it was.  Last year, I was just dreaming about the day when Mother's Day would be for me as well.  This year, I got to share it with this beautiful daughter of mine.  We had a sweet, special day.  We went to Brunch with Daddy, and then I took her to get portraits done.  She was so smiley and laughed a lot, and I just loved watching her.  I am so honored to be her mama!  I thought about Marie a lot that day, and we did exchange a few emails.  I can't tell you how much that woman means to me.  How can I possibly express how much someone like her means to me?  She made my greatest wish, my hearts desire, come true.  She helped our family come together, and I'll forever be grateful for her.  I'm constantly in awe of her strength of spirit.  She really is amazing.  She seemed to be doing well, and for that, I'm also grateful.  We are so blessed.

Two families become one

Ah.... what to say about today.  It was a special day.

Today, we met Brooklyn's biological half brother.  We saw her birth mother again, and we saw her birth mother's sister's partner again, who we met briefly at the hospital on the day Brooklyn was born.  The day started out at a picnic that Open Arms hosts for adoptive and birth families.  Marie (her birth mother) had said awhile back that they were going to come.  For several reasons that I won't go into, I had some doubts about whether or not they'd show up.  Marie called this morning to ask what time we were going to to tell us what time they'd be there.  Turns out, they weren't going to be there until almost the end.  It worked for us, though.  We had been somewhat nervous about how it would go, and balancing being with them and socializing with the adoptive families/friends we've met along the way, especially those who hadn't met Brooklyn yet.  It was a rainy day, so the "picnic" was indoors.  It was so amazing to me to be there with all of these people we'd gone through the process with... people who sat in workshops with us, went to coffee talk with us, and dreamed and prayed along side us, waiting for their babies to find them.  People who really know where we've been, and understand where we are right now.  They all had a baby in tow.  Really amazing to see.  Such a miraculous feeling.  Brooklyn did well.  She was tired and over stimulated, but did well for the most part.  Towards the end of the picnic, when it was time for Marie and family to arrive, I got a text from her saying that they were running late.  Well, they were going to get there over an hour after the picnic ended, and we couldn't stay and use the space.  So, we ended up meeting at a restaurant.  It was perfect.  Really perfect.  It's impossible to tell you or describe what it's like... how to tell you what it feels like to sit next to the woman who gave birth to your daughter, and feel at home?  People can't really understand this experience unless they've lived it.  The amount of love and respect we have for her is immeasurable.  Looking at James, Brooklyn's biological half brother, looking at her for the first time, a smile on his face and his joy so apparent... that was a moment.  He is this super adorable, super sociable kid who talked our ear off.  He's quirky in a good way, old beyond his years, a soulful and thoughtful boy.  Brian made an intersting observation about James.  For those of you who know my nephew Takota, or know of him through me, you know that he's not your average boy.  He just turned 12, same age as James, and he's always been a different kind of kid.  He's sweet, thoughtful, and sensitive.  He is open in how he feels about the people he loves.  He's expressive.  He's beyond his years.  He's soulful.  He's other worldly.  Kelly, a dear friend of mine, once descibed it like this:  He has a light that shines all around him.  He does.  Takota does.  James has an element of that in him.  He's kind and thoughtful in ways that you don't expect in 12 year old boys.  He came in and shook Brian's hand.  He would have done the same for me except I chose to pull him into a hug.  He's my baby's biological brother, after all.  He talked to us as if he'd known us forever, and as he was leaving today, he told us that he thought of us as family.  Brought tears to my eyes.  Brooklyn is so darn lucky... she's got a whole host of people who love and adore her, who want only the best for her.  Marie as good... she acted just as we remembered her, and it was sweet and comfortable.  The connection we feel with her is deep.  How could it not?  She chose us to parent her baby.  She gave us our daughter.  Stacy, Marie's sister's partner, was not friendly with us at the hospital.  She didn't make eye contact, and left right after we got there.  She talked to us today about how that experience was for her, how she was surprised to feel the way she did when Brooklyn was placed in her arms, and how she felt handing her over to us when we arrived.  She talked about how she wanted to take the baby and run, and she told us about the moment when she realized we were ok (We'd sent a special birthday gift to Marie... Brooklyn's handprints).  She has fully embraced us as Brooklyn's parents and part of her family, and that was huge.  We took a ton of pictures, some video, and we just had a nice time.  I can't think of a better gift to give to Brooklyn when the time comes than to share with her these early experiences of two families becoming one.  It's simply remarkable.

Brooklyn is a real person

Had a great 2nd post-placement visit today with Stefani.  How did we get lucky enough to find this agency, then lucky again in getting Stefani assigned to us?  How did we get a social worker who cares so much and always goes above and beyond to make us feel loved, cared for, supported, understood, and like we're her only clients when in fact we know we're not at all her only?  She's simply fabulous.  We absolutely adore her.  We feel like she's such a huge part of Brooklyn's story and our story that we hope to have her be a part of our lives for a long, long time to come. 
How fun it was to talk to her and tell her all about our girl, how she's growing and changing and thriving!  Stefani was so excited to hear every detail, and we were more than happy to oblige!  It doesn't get much better than talking incessantly about the joys of parenthood and the most beautiful little girl in the world.
Brooklyn has changed.  She's becoming her own person.  She seems fairly serious, choosey about who she shares her smiles with and when, maybe a bit cautious and slightly distrustful of new people.  She's snuggly and loving with Brian and I and other people she's getting to know.  She loves to sleep in her swing and will not sleep for more than a half hour in her crib for naps, but has no problem sleeping in it at night.  She's sleeping 6-7 hours over night followed by another 3, sometimes 4 hours.  She's a grazer... eats little bits more frequently than maybe we'd choose, but it's her belly and she knows what it needs.  She's discovering her voice, loves to suck on her fist and is suddenly leaning more towards being a thumb sucker than an index finger sucker, which is the opposite of what I'd have said last week.  She laughed out loud, very clearly, last week but is now doing more smiling and noise making in a way that can't quite be said is a laugh, but can't quite be said isn't.  She loves to be outside.  She napped in her swing on the patio tonight.  She adores water and being in the bath.  I think she'll be a gold metalist in swimming some day.  She gets rather angry about having to come out of the tub and get dressed.  She likes to be rocked to sleep and her favorite song is Wheels on the Bus.  She likes to blow raspberries and thinks I'm ridiculous when I try to do it back.  It produces a smile almost every time.  She's making fun of me.  I love her!
I love her and everyone who ever had anything to do with helping her find us and us find her... that means you.  Everyone who said a kind word, supported us in quiet or not so quiet ways along the journey, everyone who encouraged us, taught us, listened to us; everyone who was there to lend an ear, a shoulder, some advise.  People who questioned us in order to help us think things through, people who reassured us over and over again that we'd get there, that the right baby would come along at the right time, and that there was a birth mother out there who was meant to find us.
Thank you.

Moving Forward

Today, our little girl is 2 months old.  Wow... how time flies!  It seems like we've had her a lifetime, and yet, it's amazing to me that she could be two months already!!  She's growing up so nicely!  She smiles.  A lot.  She loves to be in her swing... she chatters away when she's in there, blowing bubbles and smiling at secrets only she knows.  She, for some reason, loves to be on her changing table.  Can always be guaranteed a bunch of smiles when she's on there.  What that's all about, I have no idea.  Maybe she just really appreciates that we keep her clean and dry.  Maybe she loves the room... we do.  Maybe, she loves the undivided attention and the ability to look us directly in the eyes.  I don't know, but I do know that it sure does make changing diapers less of a chore and more of an honor! 
I'm getting really sad about going back to work.  Part of me is ready...I miss the work that I do, miss my patients.  BUT, I'm sad about having to give up all of this time I've had with Brooklyn.  It's such special time.  I don't want to miss a minute of her life, and now I'm forced to miss hours at a time.  In the long run, I'm sure it'll be good for all of us, but right now it's hard for me to think about it that way.  Wish I could put her in a back pack and keep her near me all day, every day.  At least we're really happy at this point with the day care we've chosen.  I know they'll love her there.
We're anticipating getting together with Brooklyn's birth mother and some of her family next month.  I'm excited about that, and yes, a bit nervous.  I'm excited because we love her, and we're so grateful to her, and we want to share Brooklyn with her. We're looking forward to meeting more of her family, especially her son.  Nervous because we don't know how she's really feeling, and she tends to hid her true emotions a lot.  I want to be sure we're sensitive to how she might be feeling, as well as take care of ourselves in the process.  I think M. will be happy to see how well Brooklyn is doing, and how well we're doing with her.  I also assume there'll be some sadness, and maybe it'll hurt her a little bit to see how connected we are with Brooklyn, even if this is what she'd hoped and prayed for, for her baby.  Hopefully it'll all go well.
We really are connected now.  It's really amazing to see how Brooklyn looks to us, for us now.  She knows her Mommy and her Daddy, and she'll follow us around with her eyes all the time, especially when someone new is holding her.  It's pretty cool, to see and feel that attachement happening.  She is so incredibly sweet and awesome!  Happy 2 month birthday, little one!

So long, my friend...

I just got word that my dear, dear friend Joan softly and peacefully died last night with her new baby granddaughter in her arms and surrounded by her loving family.  Joan has been bravely fighting cancer for the past few years.  So bravely that she worked up until this past November, and nobody even knew she was sick unless you were in her inner circle.  I know that my world was significantly changed when she became a part of it, and that my world has changed again, knowing that I won't hear her voice or feel her enthusiasm for life surrounding me in the same way anymore.  Joan was a vibrant person who fully engaged in life. I've always admired her.  She was a great role model for how a person should really live. She loved the Phillies, she loved going to movies, she loved dancing and eating, just to name a few things about her.  She loved her friends and was truly one of the most thoughtful and caring people I've ever met.  She appreciated things that nobody else noticed.  She never forgot a special occasion, and was always thoughtful in the way that she acknowledged those occasions.  She was a giver... always putting others above herself.  She talked fast, moved fast, but noticed everything and took nothing for granted.  She felt things deeply, and had such a love for the kids she worked with.  She was a teacher at the hospital, and one of the people I loved working with the most.  One thing that made her so great with those kids is the way she cared about them.  Every child was unique, and she felt their pain and celebrated their joys and triumphs.  She loved them with all of her heart and soul.  She was a true family person, always giving to her husband, Jim, and her two kids James and Joanna.  She lived for them, she loved them tremendously.  They felt the same exact way about her. She would always talk about them with such pride in her voice. When she first told me she was sick, she said "But I'm going to be fine.  I have to be fine.  My kids are young.  They're grown up, but they're young and I'm going to be here for them".  She did everything for her kids and her husband.  I'm feeling really selfish right now, because I want her back, but at the same time, I'm so grateful that her pain is over and that she's finally ok again.  Nobody deserves to live like that, and as hard as she fought to live, I'm thankful that she's safe and pain free today. 
As excited as everyone was for us and as anxiously as everyone awaited little Brooklyn's arrival, few expressed their excitement more than Joan.  She was one of our biggest cheerleaders, and when I told her that a baby was on the way, her eyes welled up with tears.  She's one of the only ones who knew before she arrived that Brooklyn was coming.  I knew I needed to tell her.  I was afraid that maybe if I waited, I'd wait too long and she'd never know.  I knew Joan would want to know.  When she did arrive, Joan had Joanna text me because she was crying too hard to do it herself.  She sent me a text later telling me that!  She sent us a beautiful personalized picture frame for Brooklyn, and I can't wait to hang it in Brooklyn's room and think of Joan every time I look at it. 

Joan, I love you and I miss you so much already.  I'm happy for you that you're at peace again, and I will hold you so close in heart, every single day.  Thank you for our first family valentine.  I'll always cherish that card.  When I look at the ornament that you gave us for Brooklyn's first Christmas, I'll smile with warm thoughts of you.  When she wears her "I love Mommy" and "I love Daddy" PJ's, I'll think of you.  When Victorino hits a homerun, I'll think of you.  When Pence comes up to bat, I'll think of you.  I'll always think of you.  I'll remember the good times we've had, the patients we shared at work, and the laughs and the tears.  Thank you for your undying support and friendship.  It got me through so many long, hard days and I'll carry it with me always. I feel so blessed to have had you in my life, even if it wasn't for nearly long enough. I'm a different, better person because of you. I wish I could hear just one more "Hey kid, how ya doing?  You doing ok?".  Well, no, not really.  Not right now. I feel brokenhearted, but I know YOU are ok now, and I'm very, very grateful for that.  And I know we will all be ok, too, in time.  So long, my sweet friend... until we meet again.

Beautiful baby

Brooklyn went to the YMCA for the first time today.  We had a nice workout together, and anticipate many fun family moments there in the next few years.  We took some time to feed her before leaving, and this nice lady came up to us and said "That's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  There's nothing you can change to make her more beautiful.  She's got perfect ears and a perfect nose.  Beautiful."  Both Brian and I were bursting with pride.  Is that weird or wrong when we had nothing to do with creating this beauty?  We are very biased, of course, but this is one beautiful baby if I do say so myself.  It was nice to hear someone say that to us. Parenthood is going so well... we're loving it.  It's hard work, as all of you parents out there know, but it's what I've always imagined it to be like.  I feel so darn grateful!  We've just been hanging out, getting to really know each other.  We're still trying to figure out what she needs when, what her cries mean.  Do people really start to recognize babies cries, or do you just get to know your kid?  I mean, I know when she's hungry most of the time, and when she's tired, because I keep track of her schedule, but if I were to somehow lose track of time or what we've done and she starts crying, would I really know what it meant?  I doubt it.  Not yet, anyway.  I had a terrifying parenting moment last week.  I took Ruby to the dog park, and of course Brooklyn was with me.  She was sleeping soundly in her stroller/car seat next to me (I was sitting on a bench, talking to another woman at the park) and it was a nice day there.  The dogs were all happily playing, when suddenly this group of dogs came barreling at us, crashed into the stroller, and knocked it over WITH MY BABY IN IT!  I was so scared, and in that moment, I saw Brooklyn getting really hurt, flashed back to a nurse at the hospital asking if we felt comfortable turning the car seat upside down with Brooklyn in it once we had her strapped in (if not, she's not tight enough), and saw Child Protective services taking her away from me!  Of course, things were fine because of that nurse at the hospital.  I had her in there good and tight, and she was none the worse for wear.  She never really knew what was going on, and only woke up and started crying when I whipped her out of the stroller to make sure she was ok.  She was not amused by that!  But, my heart took a long time to start beating normally again!  I haven't moved that fast in a long, long time.  I made sure Brooklyn was ok, gathered Ruby up, and headed for home.  Enough for me for one day.  Well, more than one day.  We haven't been back yet!  That day, I knew what her cry meant.  It meant "Hey, Mommy... I was sleeping nicely and you just interrupted me!"  Sorry, baby.
So, I'm waiting for my beautiful baby to wake up for her bottle before heading off to bed.  I know that if I go ahead and fall asleep, she'll then promptly wake up wanting that bottle.  She's doing great in the sleep category, though.  Still going about 4 hours over night between feedings, though tonight she ate at 6:30 and fell asleep at 7:45 and hasn't gotten back up yet, at 11:05 PM.  Heading towards 5 hours.  Way to go, Brooklyn!  Keep up the good work!

Marking time

Hi everyone,

Well, it's strange to be marking time like this, but instead of marking the months, or each new "waitaversary", we're now marking time according to Brooklyn.  Our little baby is already 2 weeks old!!  Wow.  Two weeks and a day to be exact.  How'd this happen?  She's filling out, growing like a weed, developing a double chin and some awesome cheeks.  She's such a joy, though she doesn't do much yet of course.  Just being in her presense is a joy, though.  A true blessing.  Stefani stopped in today for our first "post placement" visit, of which we'll have 4 before we can finalize the adoption this coming summer.  She was barely in the door and there were tears already... she actually was the first to tear up, rather than me this time.  I think she was overwhelmed to be coming to do a post placement visit rather than a home study or home study update.  She gets such joy out of helping families come together that to see it actually happen, and happen so well, is emotional for her.  Of course, I see someone in tears and I just have to join in.  She looked around and said how amazing it was to see our house with baby stuff... a glider, a swing, bottles,  and a baby in our arms.  It's a bit surreal at times for us, too.  Though it feels so normal and so natural to me, we're both hit with it sometimes... that "Oh, MY GOD!  We're parents, and this is our daughter!"  It absolutely blows us away at times, takes our breath away.  Just looking at her can create such strong emotion.  We're finding that we're a really, really great team, though we did know this already.  We're just confirming that despite what's going on, we're a team.  We're able to read each other so well that we know if the other is getting frazzled or stressed, and we don't have to express it at all.  We just know.  And we're right there to jump in.  It's been a very equal partnership, this parenting thing, and it's another reason for me to celebrate and feel like I've got the greatest thing going.  I can't say it enough... I feel so blessed.  Brooklyn is just perfect.  She's a sweetheart... very easy going, though she does have what every other baby has... a fussy period in the evenings that can rattle our cages.  But, again, we're doing a great job of tag teaming and supporting each other.  We just have to remind ourselves that we're not doing something wrong, that we're meeting all of her needs, that we're not bad parents because our baby is crying.  Thankfully, these fussy periods are short lived.  Intense, but short.  She makes up for it by sleeping like a champ.  She's going 4 hours over night between feedings and has been doing that for maybe 4 days now.  Sweet!!  By a month old, she'll be sleeping through the night.  Right, moms out there?  Right?!
We find ourselves thinking about M. a lot.  Is she ok?  Is she sad?  Is she thinking of us and Brooklyn?  I have spoken to her twice, and she seems ok.  Of course, she's good at putting on a brave face.  She's the strongest woman I've met in a long time.  But I still find myself worrying.  We'll hopefully keep the communication going for Brooklyn's sake and see her from time to time. 
In the meantime, we continue to work on bonding with our beautiful little girl, loving and appreciating all of you who continue to support us.  Thank you.

Becoming Family

Today, Brooklyn is one week old!  What an adventurous week she's had!  She's skyped with several people, and some twice!  She's been to several restuarants and fast food joints.  Applebees was her first restuarant.  She's been shopping, and she's gone to the shore.  That's right... we took the long drive to the shore yesterday because we had to take advantage of a day off from work and a 65 degree day on February 1st.  We loved it.  We had a great time strolling the boardwalk and walking on the beach.  It was a little bit windy, so our time on the beach was limited to a quick walk and a short photo shoot.  She had her first picnic a couple days ago when the weather was gorgeous and we went to a nearby park for a walk and she had a bottle there.  We're loving every second of this!  Last night, she woke up like clockwork for a bottle every three hours.  Up until last night, she's had a very alert time in the middle of the night where she wanted to party with us, so this was a nice change.
It's been super nice having this alone time to get to know her and learn to be a family.  We had really special moments in the hotel after she was discharged from the hospital on Saturday.  We got her birthmom a hotel room so she could stay close by and visit before she signed the papers to make Brooklyn officially ours.  Stefani was also there, and the 5 of us hung out quite a bit during those two days.  I will never be able to adequately put into words what that was like.  It was much more comfortable than anyone would imagine.  We sat around and laughed a lot.  We cried a lot, in happiness and in sadness.  M. was amazing with us from day one, reminding us that we're the parents.  She had us make the first important decisions about Brooklyn's care... what formula would she take, and would she get her first vaccine in the hospital or wait until we see the pediatrician?  Do we want hospital photos taken?  Just felt so sweet.  I may have mentioned this in an earlier post....if I repeat myself, forgive me.  It's been somewhat of a blur.  There were times where I felt like we were stealing moments that belonged to M., but we had the opportunity to get that out in the open and talk with M. about it at one point.  She never felt that way.  I continue to be amazed by this woman's strength, selflessness, and generosity.  She's so caring and sweet.  She brought us gifts for the baby... a cute duck terrycloth robe with a hood for bathtime, and a cute t-shirt that says "My Mommy's Cute, I'm cute, and my Daddy's lucky".  We were at a restuarnat (Brooklyn's first- Applebees) with Stefani, and a couple of women came by to admire Brooklyn and asked who the new mommy was.  Potentially very sad and awkward moment, but M. pointed to me as I pointed to all of us at the table and said "We are".  The lady said "No, I mean who's the new Mommy?", and again, I said "We are.  It's complicated", and the woman got the hint and backed off.  M. was great about it, and it just was another testiment to her courage.  She wrote and shared some poetry with us that she'd written in the hospital one night when she was feeling particularly sad.  She shared adoption poems with us.  She shared herself with us, and what a gift that will be for Brooklyn because we can always make sure that she knows this amazing woman who gave her life, and gave her a family.  Saying goodbye was so emotional and very, very sad.  I'm sure I'll carry this sadness around with me for a long time to come.  We're able to put it aside and focus on the joy that this baby is bringing to us each and every moment, but the sadness doesn't go away.  The time we were able to spent was amazing, the experience profound, and I feel so, so blessed.

Terrible, Beautiful

January 28, 2012  Terrible, Beautiful

Leaving the hospital today was one of the most emotional moments yet for me.  It was rushed… we arrived at 10:30 and everything was set and ready to go.  The nurse came in to give us discharge instructions as we dressed Brooklyn in her first ever outfit.  M. had packed the room up and got the baby stuff together for us.  We all walked out together, Stefani, Brian, M., myself, Brooklyn, and a wonderful nurse named Melissa.  Melissa asked me if I wanted to push the baby in the stroller, and so I did.  I went first and everyone else was behind me.  At the elevators, I noticed that M. was crying. It was the first real hint of sadness that I’d seen.  It hit me like a ton of bricks…this overwhelming sadness and sense of loss.  The nurse walked next to me as they rest of them went ahead.  She asked how I was, and I tried to tell her how hard it is to be with my greatest joy and someone else’s greatest pain all at once.  It’s “hard to hold” as Portia, one of the other Open Arms social workers who was here this weekend, said.  Hard to hold.  Yes, we have to have a place for the sadness as well as the joy.  Melissa reminded me that what we’re all doing is good.  M. made a wonderful decision in the best interest of the baby.  She put Brooklyn’s needs above her own as any loving mother would do.  She is in turn, helping us, and we’re helping her by raising this baby in a loving home filled with security and happiness.  Oh, my heart hurt and I couldn’t stop crying.  Stefani looked at me and said “it’s Terrible beautiful, isn’t it?”.  Yes.  That’s exactly it.  It’s a terrible, beautiful thing.  Deep, deep sadness, and joy without boundaries.  We packed little Brooklyn into the car and M. left to go get a cigarette, which she’s been dying to have for some time now.  It made it easier to drive away, and Stefani said “Have the best ride of your lives” as we left.  Brooklyn was crying… what a glorious sound!  Amazing.  We had some quiet time in the hotel, and then after awhile, Stefani and M. came and we had a few hours of time together.  We got takeout from Applebees, and hung out in our hotel room, literally passing the baby around the circle.  M. is quite the storyteller, and so we enjoyed just listening to all she had to say.  We feel like we need to absorb it, write it all down, every detail about who M. is, what she’s like, what she likes and doesn’t like, what she says.  I want Brooklyn to have it all some day.  They only stayed for a few hours, then they left again and we just sat and held and starred at our beautiful girl.  We’re in love.  We’re in awe.  We’re mesmerized by her.  We all met up again for pizza and beer tonight… yes, we all had beer.  Stefani and I had Mike’s black cherry hard lemonade, and M. and Brian had Yingling.  We just sat and laughed and talked and relaxed while we again passed the peanut around the circle.  This is such special, special time.  I will never, ever forget it for as long as I live.  Now, we’re all tucked into our own little space.  Brooklyn is spending her first night away from the hospital with her Mommy and her Daddy, with Stefani and birth mom M. right down the hall in their own rooms.  I’m not sleeping, but baby and Daddy are.  I wonder when the paranoid part goes away?  The part where you’re convinced your baby is going to stop breathing if you close your eyes for awhile?  My first night as a worried mommy.  That’s why I’m awake.  I am so, so grateful for the opportunity to lose sleep over worrying about my child.

It's a GIRL!

January 27, 2012 

Brooklyn Lily Metzger entered the world at 4:51 PM, weighing in at 6 lbs. 14 oz. and 20 ½ inches long.  OMG!  I can’t believe it!  I’m amazed, shocked, in awe.  We got the call about 20 minutes after she was born, and were with her by 6 PM.  I didn’t know what to expect… our emotions were running wild.  M.’s sister’s partner was there, and we were told that before we went into the room.  She was holding Brooklyn, and right away I just went to M. and hugged her, almost afraid to look at the baby.  I wanted M. to know that we were thinking of her, not just ourselves.  But, as seems to be M.’s style, she just said, “Teri, do you want to hold her?”.  Of course.  Of course.  My daughter, Brooklyn.  I felt so thankful, so grateful, so amazed that M. was that generous with us.  Her sister’s partner handed her to me.  She was clearly uncomfortable, clearly struggling with this, so we didn’t push it with her.   She had a 2 hour drive back home, and was preparing to leave as arrived.  I don’t know if she was leaving because we were there, or because she just had to get on the road, but we could sense her hesitation, or her sadness, or something that wasn’t all rosey and happy.  Understandable.  I think that yesterday, we were so shell shocked that I felt pretty detached.  I mean, I had some tears, I felt nervous and excited, but I didn’t feel like Brooklyn was ours as soon as she was placed in my arms.  I couldn’t stop staring at her, but I certainly didn’t feel that connection, that instant mother/daughter bond that I had hoped for.  I’m sure, looking at it objectively now, that it was my subconscious trying to protect us, because until the papers are signed on Sunday night, she’s really not ours yet.  The funny thing is, M. is being so giving and caring towards us, referring to us as her parents, giving us free reign with her.  In fact, she let me give Brooklyn her first bottle.  Amazing.  I felt like I was stealing a moment that belonged to M., but she really seems ok with everything.  Brian and I got a bath class from the “baby nurse”, and it didn’t feel good to me because she (the nurse) had her back to M. throughout the whole experience.  It felt so great to be treated as her parents, but at the same time, I felt such a sadness for M.  M. seems to be doing great, hasn’t cried, hasn’t seemed sad.  It’s hard to say if she’s also protecting herself, or if she’s just so secure in this choice that she’s ok.  Overall, I felt detached yesterday.  Maybe a little bit in shocked.  Our social worker was there the whole time, helping and supporting all of us.  I didn’t sleep a wink last night.  I couldn’t get that beautiful baby, and she is totally beautiful, out of my mind.  I don’t think I talked about the name… Brooklyn was a name that Brian and I heard along the way somehow, though we can’t remember how anymore, and we just loved it.  There’s a song called I.And.Love.And.You by the Avett Brothers that we both really love that talks about a Brooklyn.  So, we knew this was the first name that we wanted.  M.’s mother (who adopted her as a baby) was named Lillian, and if M. had chosen to parent, Brooklyn would have been Lillian Veronica.  We wanted to honor M. and her mother, so we shortened Lillian to Lily and gave it to her as a middle name.  We were nervous, but M. really seems to love it.  We’ve talked about it a few times now, and so she is Brooklyn.  If yesterday I felt detached, today, I fell in love.  I can’t say enough about what an ideal experience this has been.  It’s so special, this time with all of us including M.  She’s so open, so giving, so generous.  It’s hard for me to put into words all that I feel for her and this baby.  She really sees us as the parents, and she’s interested in being involved but has said that she’ll defer to us as to what’s in Brooklyn’s best interest.  Wow.  I couldn’t have imagined a more ideal experience.  I’m at a loss for words right now, so I’ll close here and just leave you with this.  We’ve got a beautiful daughter who is the greatest gift of my life, and we’ll forever love and cherish M. for what she has done for us.

Birthday

January 26, 2012 

So, the time has come, and baby is almost here.  We found out about 23 minutes ago that M. is 10 cm dilated and ready to push… we’re anxiously awaiting the news in the Holiday Inn down the street.  We can’t go for awhile.  M. needs rest, Baby needs rest.  But, we’re lucky enough to be nearby with Stefani texting us throughout the day to tell us all about what’s going on over there.  M. is in good spirits.  She’s been nervous, but she’s cracking jokes and trying to lighten the mood.  She sent a message to us via Stefani that she’s really giving birth to a litter of lab pups, but that we get the pick of the litter.  This is how M. copes with stress… she uses humor, which is good.  We had a good laugh and some text messages back and forth.  There was a scare earlier today when M. was given the wrong medication for a sinus infection.  Scary!  Instead of an antibiotic, she got some seizure meds.  The hospital staff was very upset and apologetic, and scared of course, but seems like all will be ok.  They consulted with poison control and a pediatrician, and whoever else needed to be involved, and the bottom line is that it will not cause M. or baby any harm but both could be sleepy for awhile because of it.  We’re just relieved that they’re both ok.  They’re going to go over everything with us when we get there later, so no worries.  It’s a gray, rainy day and our hotel room overlooks a dirt pile, and in the distance we can see a grocery store, Walmart, Kohls, McDonalds, and Applebees, so we’ll have plenty to eat and some shopping to do.  The drive was ok, we ate at Subway along the way and listened to some good music to try to calm our nerves.  Anxiety has certainly set in, accompanied by extreme excitement.  The time has come!  Wow.

For Real This Time?

January 25, 2012 

It’s Wednesday night, and yesterday we got a call from Stefani saying that M. had called and told her that the doctor had a “conflict” with today and postponed her being induced until tomorrow.  YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!???  Amazing how a baby’s birth is dependent on the doctor’s plans, isn’t it?  So, we endured another long one, waiting for baby.  We took the day, just the two of us, to spend relaxing as best we can, and to just be.  I know I couldn’t have dealt with another day at the office, taking care of someone else’s kids while waiting for my own, keeping the secret and lying some more when people say “what’s new?”, or “have you heard anything yet?”.   We mostly hung out at home, packing, reading, finding ways to waste time.  We went to Movie Tavern, had dinner and saw the sad, intense movie “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” about a boy who loses his father on 911.  We expected it to be a tear jerker… it was, but not as much as we’d expected… and thought it might actually be helpful in releasing some strong, pent up emotion.  We didn’t get that from it, but we did have two hours where we weren’t obsessing about an upcoming birth.  We’ve had M. on our minds.  Stefani called tonight to tell us that she’s getting scared, and that she asked Stefani to be there with her as she gets started in the morning.  We’re thankful that she felt comfortable reaching out for support.  Part of me wishes it could be me there with her, but I’m probably too invested in the baby to truly be there for her in the way that she needs someone to be there for her.  I just can’t imagine how it must feel for her, about to give birth which is scary enough, but to be alone, and to know you’re making an adoption plan.  You do the work, someone else gets the glory.  I feel for her.  My heart hurts a little bit for her tonight.  Wow.  I really can’t believe my child is going to be born tomorrow.  This fantasy child, the one we’ve talked about, obsessed over, planned for, longed for, dreamt about… this child is coming into the world tomorrow, and we’re so, so grateful.

The Time is Coming!!

January 23, 2012

Ok, kiddo… so we heard that you’re coming into the world, ready or not, on Wednesday.  That’s two long days from now.  Oh, my gosh are we so excited to finally meet you!!  We cannot wait!  We know it’s going to be a long day.  A very, very long day indeed.  But, we can manage it.  Stefani said not to rush up there, that some babies take a long time to actually make it into the world once the expectant mother is induced.  And of course, M. will need some time to rest before she’s able to accept visitors.  It’s so hard right now to think of ourselves as visitors, because in our hearts, you’re already our child, and we’re your parents.  We want to be with you the moment your little body enters the world.  But, we have to be patient.  We have to respect M. and her need to be your mom for her limited amount of time that she’s got.  She’s giving us the gift of the rest of your life as your parents.  The least we can do is respect her time until she’s ready to invite us into your life.  We’re so anxious to meet you we can hardly stand it.  We’re dreaming big dreams of our life with you.  We are so, so happy.  See you Wednesday, little one.

More Waiting...

January 21, 2012 

Well, here we are two weeks after finding out about Baby, and still we wait… no baby yet.  What a long, stressful, anxiety producing couple of weeks!  Talk about asking people to really reach way down inside themselves and find their greatest strength and an infinite amount of patience… we’re trying, because we have no choice, but it’s gut wrenchingly hard!  This week M. had two doctor’s appointments, and at the first one, her actual due date came into question.  She had to switch doctors at a late stage in this pregnancy, and the new doctor feels her due date should have been the 17^th rather than the 10^th, which is why he hasn’t been inclined to induce.  She also had an ultrasound to make sure her fluid levels were ok, and we didn’t get an update after that one, so I’m sure it was fine and nothing to report.  We’re living in limbo right now, more so than we have been for the past year, not knowing when we’ll be starting our leave, when we’ll be heading to the hospital, etc.  We have been told that M. would like us to come to the hospital to visit, which makes us feel really good.  We wanted that, but also need to respect her and give her her time and space.  After all, she has 72 hours before she can surrender her parental rights, and until that time, Baby is hers.  It’s her time, and maybe the only time she’ll get as the Mommy.  As much as we want to swoop in and start our lives as parents, we have the rest of Baby’s life and M. has 72 hours. So, we sit in anticipation.  We’re trying to keep doing what we do each day, but my mind is a constant flurry of activity, which makes it hard for my body to do what I want it to do.  I keep getting sidetracked, having trouble completing what I’m setting out to do.  I’m feeling some mix of wanting to nest… get the house in tip top shape so that Baby comes home to a clean, fresh environment (and because who knows when I’ll get an opportunity to clean like this again?  I mean, really, really clean?) and wanting to hibernate.  Mother Nature sent us a nice blanket of white snow last night, and its overcast today.  A good day to hunker down under a blanket with some good music, some hot tea, and a good book.  And hey, when am I going to get a day to sit and relax and read again?  Maybe not for awhile.  Good thing there’s two days in the weekend.  Maybe I can manage both.  We sent a note to M. through Stefani this week, who was going up to see her and provide some extra support to her.  I’ve had a lot of questions on my mind about how she might be doing, from an emotional standpoint.  I wondered if maybe she’s happy that the baby is taking his/her time, so that she can stay close for just a while longer, or is she like most pregnant women who are tired and ready at this point?  Stefani tells us that she’s ready.  She feels really good about her decision, knowing that Baby is going to be safe and secure, having a good life, with us, and she’s frustrated that she’s still pregnant.  She’s ready for this to be done.  She’s walking a lot, trying to get something started, trying to coax Baby into coming out.  I’m sure there’s an element of sadness, too, despite feeling good about her choice and feeling good about us.  She’s a kind person.   She’s a caring person.  She’s making the biggest sacrifice for this baby by choosing not to parent.  I can’t imagine what’s happening with her as I sit here, consumed by what’s happening with us. 

The Wait Goes On...

January 16, 2012

So, we’re still anxiously waiting for Baby to arrive.  It’s killing us!  We’re filled with thoughts of M. and how she must be doing right now, along with crazy thoughts about how our lives are about to change, if this happens.  Our minds are mush, our thoughts so jumbled.  It’s the strangest feeling of anxiety, nervousness, and excitement.  We had a family filled weekend, and man, was it hard to keep this secret!  It was torture!  Mom and Dad know, only because we needed to make arrangements for Ruby and they happen to be coming to the area this weekend, so we had to casually tell them and ask them to take Ruby back to NY with them.  I know that they’re really excited, but they did an awesome job of playing it cool and not letting on that something major is about to happen.  It felt good to have them with us for a few days before the weekend, so that we could talk about it.  Balancing how much to tell them with what to keep to ourselves for now was a bit tough, but overall, it was a relief to have them here and be able to talk when we wanted to.  Thank God for a weekend where the focus was someone else.  It was Stacey’s weekend.  Julie came up from NC for her, mom and dad came for her, and I was here for her.  We went wedding dress shopping and bridal/mother of the bride dress shopping.  It’s such an exciting time for Stacey, and as much as I want that baby to get here, I wanted this weekend with my family and I wanted it to be perfect for Stacey.  It was.  We didn’t have to steal her thunder, though I know that everyone would have been super thrilled and so excited it wouldn’t have mattered.  I didn’t want to miss out on that opportunity to be with her when she found her wedding dress, though… so as much longing as I have right now, I think that Baby did us a favor by waiting a couple extra days.  Now, Ruby’s well cared for, Julie’s on her way home, Mom and Dad are almost home, and we’re just here with an empty nest, wanting to fill it up.  Now’s the time, Baby… you’re welcome to come now.  We’re here, arms wide open, hearts so full and everything’s really ok.

Due Date

January 10, 2012- 

Well, no baby yet.  We know that M was only one centimeter dilated yesterday, so it could be awhile or it could start to pick up and happen quickly.  We all know that!  We’re trying to settle into this new “wait” as best we can.  We were just getting good at the other one, and now this new one has us rattled!  Talk about anxiety times 10!  But, we’re doing ok, trying to focus on our daily lives and our jobs, trying to keep busy.  As I sit in eager anticipation of what’s to come and what’s hopefully to be, I find myself thinking constantly about M.  I know that most pregnant people, at this point in the pregnancy, are so ready for it to end, for the baby to come out already, so that she can feel better and they can meet their beautiful baby.  What about in this situation?  M. appears very committed to the adoption plan.  She is not wavering at this point.  So, is she silently hoping that this precious little one hangs tight for awhile?  Does she want to keep him or her as close as possible for as long as possible?  Or, does she want to give birth as badly as we want her to?  Is she dreading the next week of her life?  Is she feeling at peace and content with her decision?  It’s my natural tendency to worry about people and to want to take care of them… I guess I might feel it even more in this case.  After all, she’s the woman who may just make me a mamma.  She may give Brian and I something we want so desperately.  Tonight, I wish her comfort and peace.  I hope she knows she’s being thought about, that her feelings matter to us.  She’s not just a means to an end for us.  We care, and we want her to know that.