More Waiting...

January 21, 2012 

Well, here we are two weeks after finding out about Baby, and still we wait… no baby yet.  What a long, stressful, anxiety producing couple of weeks!  Talk about asking people to really reach way down inside themselves and find their greatest strength and an infinite amount of patience… we’re trying, because we have no choice, but it’s gut wrenchingly hard!  This week M. had two doctor’s appointments, and at the first one, her actual due date came into question.  She had to switch doctors at a late stage in this pregnancy, and the new doctor feels her due date should have been the 17^th rather than the 10^th, which is why he hasn’t been inclined to induce.  She also had an ultrasound to make sure her fluid levels were ok, and we didn’t get an update after that one, so I’m sure it was fine and nothing to report.  We’re living in limbo right now, more so than we have been for the past year, not knowing when we’ll be starting our leave, when we’ll be heading to the hospital, etc.  We have been told that M. would like us to come to the hospital to visit, which makes us feel really good.  We wanted that, but also need to respect her and give her her time and space.  After all, she has 72 hours before she can surrender her parental rights, and until that time, Baby is hers.  It’s her time, and maybe the only time she’ll get as the Mommy.  As much as we want to swoop in and start our lives as parents, we have the rest of Baby’s life and M. has 72 hours. So, we sit in anticipation.  We’re trying to keep doing what we do each day, but my mind is a constant flurry of activity, which makes it hard for my body to do what I want it to do.  I keep getting sidetracked, having trouble completing what I’m setting out to do.  I’m feeling some mix of wanting to nest… get the house in tip top shape so that Baby comes home to a clean, fresh environment (and because who knows when I’ll get an opportunity to clean like this again?  I mean, really, really clean?) and wanting to hibernate.  Mother Nature sent us a nice blanket of white snow last night, and its overcast today.  A good day to hunker down under a blanket with some good music, some hot tea, and a good book.  And hey, when am I going to get a day to sit and relax and read again?  Maybe not for awhile.  Good thing there’s two days in the weekend.  Maybe I can manage both.  We sent a note to M. through Stefani this week, who was going up to see her and provide some extra support to her.  I’ve had a lot of questions on my mind about how she might be doing, from an emotional standpoint.  I wondered if maybe she’s happy that the baby is taking his/her time, so that she can stay close for just a while longer, or is she like most pregnant women who are tired and ready at this point?  Stefani tells us that she’s ready.  She feels really good about her decision, knowing that Baby is going to be safe and secure, having a good life, with us, and she’s frustrated that she’s still pregnant.  She’s ready for this to be done.  She’s walking a lot, trying to get something started, trying to coax Baby into coming out.  I’m sure there’s an element of sadness, too, despite feeling good about her choice and feeling good about us.  She’s a kind person.   She’s a caring person.  She’s making the biggest sacrifice for this baby by choosing not to parent.  I can’t imagine what’s happening with her as I sit here, consumed by what’s happening with us.