Marking time

Hi everyone,

Well, it's strange to be marking time like this, but instead of marking the months, or each new "waitaversary", we're now marking time according to Brooklyn.  Our little baby is already 2 weeks old!!  Wow.  Two weeks and a day to be exact.  How'd this happen?  She's filling out, growing like a weed, developing a double chin and some awesome cheeks.  She's such a joy, though she doesn't do much yet of course.  Just being in her presense is a joy, though.  A true blessing.  Stefani stopped in today for our first "post placement" visit, of which we'll have 4 before we can finalize the adoption this coming summer.  She was barely in the door and there were tears already... she actually was the first to tear up, rather than me this time.  I think she was overwhelmed to be coming to do a post placement visit rather than a home study or home study update.  She gets such joy out of helping families come together that to see it actually happen, and happen so well, is emotional for her.  Of course, I see someone in tears and I just have to join in.  She looked around and said how amazing it was to see our house with baby stuff... a glider, a swing, bottles,  and a baby in our arms.  It's a bit surreal at times for us, too.  Though it feels so normal and so natural to me, we're both hit with it sometimes... that "Oh, MY GOD!  We're parents, and this is our daughter!"  It absolutely blows us away at times, takes our breath away.  Just looking at her can create such strong emotion.  We're finding that we're a really, really great team, though we did know this already.  We're just confirming that despite what's going on, we're a team.  We're able to read each other so well that we know if the other is getting frazzled or stressed, and we don't have to express it at all.  We just know.  And we're right there to jump in.  It's been a very equal partnership, this parenting thing, and it's another reason for me to celebrate and feel like I've got the greatest thing going.  I can't say it enough... I feel so blessed.  Brooklyn is just perfect.  She's a sweetheart... very easy going, though she does have what every other baby has... a fussy period in the evenings that can rattle our cages.  But, again, we're doing a great job of tag teaming and supporting each other.  We just have to remind ourselves that we're not doing something wrong, that we're meeting all of her needs, that we're not bad parents because our baby is crying.  Thankfully, these fussy periods are short lived.  Intense, but short.  She makes up for it by sleeping like a champ.  She's going 4 hours over night between feedings and has been doing that for maybe 4 days now.  Sweet!!  By a month old, she'll be sleeping through the night.  Right, moms out there?  Right?!
We find ourselves thinking about M. a lot.  Is she ok?  Is she sad?  Is she thinking of us and Brooklyn?  I have spoken to her twice, and she seems ok.  Of course, she's good at putting on a brave face.  She's the strongest woman I've met in a long time.  But I still find myself worrying.  We'll hopefully keep the communication going for Brooklyn's sake and see her from time to time. 
In the meantime, we continue to work on bonding with our beautiful little girl, loving and appreciating all of you who continue to support us.  Thank you.

Becoming Family

Today, Brooklyn is one week old!  What an adventurous week she's had!  She's skyped with several people, and some twice!  She's been to several restuarants and fast food joints.  Applebees was her first restuarant.  She's been shopping, and she's gone to the shore.  That's right... we took the long drive to the shore yesterday because we had to take advantage of a day off from work and a 65 degree day on February 1st.  We loved it.  We had a great time strolling the boardwalk and walking on the beach.  It was a little bit windy, so our time on the beach was limited to a quick walk and a short photo shoot.  She had her first picnic a couple days ago when the weather was gorgeous and we went to a nearby park for a walk and she had a bottle there.  We're loving every second of this!  Last night, she woke up like clockwork for a bottle every three hours.  Up until last night, she's had a very alert time in the middle of the night where she wanted to party with us, so this was a nice change.
It's been super nice having this alone time to get to know her and learn to be a family.  We had really special moments in the hotel after she was discharged from the hospital on Saturday.  We got her birthmom a hotel room so she could stay close by and visit before she signed the papers to make Brooklyn officially ours.  Stefani was also there, and the 5 of us hung out quite a bit during those two days.  I will never be able to adequately put into words what that was like.  It was much more comfortable than anyone would imagine.  We sat around and laughed a lot.  We cried a lot, in happiness and in sadness.  M. was amazing with us from day one, reminding us that we're the parents.  She had us make the first important decisions about Brooklyn's care... what formula would she take, and would she get her first vaccine in the hospital or wait until we see the pediatrician?  Do we want hospital photos taken?  Just felt so sweet.  I may have mentioned this in an earlier post....if I repeat myself, forgive me.  It's been somewhat of a blur.  There were times where I felt like we were stealing moments that belonged to M., but we had the opportunity to get that out in the open and talk with M. about it at one point.  She never felt that way.  I continue to be amazed by this woman's strength, selflessness, and generosity.  She's so caring and sweet.  She brought us gifts for the baby... a cute duck terrycloth robe with a hood for bathtime, and a cute t-shirt that says "My Mommy's Cute, I'm cute, and my Daddy's lucky".  We were at a restuarnat (Brooklyn's first- Applebees) with Stefani, and a couple of women came by to admire Brooklyn and asked who the new mommy was.  Potentially very sad and awkward moment, but M. pointed to me as I pointed to all of us at the table and said "We are".  The lady said "No, I mean who's the new Mommy?", and again, I said "We are.  It's complicated", and the woman got the hint and backed off.  M. was great about it, and it just was another testiment to her courage.  She wrote and shared some poetry with us that she'd written in the hospital one night when she was feeling particularly sad.  She shared adoption poems with us.  She shared herself with us, and what a gift that will be for Brooklyn because we can always make sure that she knows this amazing woman who gave her life, and gave her a family.  Saying goodbye was so emotional and very, very sad.  I'm sure I'll carry this sadness around with me for a long time to come.  We're able to put it aside and focus on the joy that this baby is bringing to us each and every moment, but the sadness doesn't go away.  The time we were able to spent was amazing, the experience profound, and I feel so, so blessed.

Terrible, Beautiful

January 28, 2012  Terrible, Beautiful

Leaving the hospital today was one of the most emotional moments yet for me.  It was rushed… we arrived at 10:30 and everything was set and ready to go.  The nurse came in to give us discharge instructions as we dressed Brooklyn in her first ever outfit.  M. had packed the room up and got the baby stuff together for us.  We all walked out together, Stefani, Brian, M., myself, Brooklyn, and a wonderful nurse named Melissa.  Melissa asked me if I wanted to push the baby in the stroller, and so I did.  I went first and everyone else was behind me.  At the elevators, I noticed that M. was crying. It was the first real hint of sadness that I’d seen.  It hit me like a ton of bricks…this overwhelming sadness and sense of loss.  The nurse walked next to me as they rest of them went ahead.  She asked how I was, and I tried to tell her how hard it is to be with my greatest joy and someone else’s greatest pain all at once.  It’s “hard to hold” as Portia, one of the other Open Arms social workers who was here this weekend, said.  Hard to hold.  Yes, we have to have a place for the sadness as well as the joy.  Melissa reminded me that what we’re all doing is good.  M. made a wonderful decision in the best interest of the baby.  She put Brooklyn’s needs above her own as any loving mother would do.  She is in turn, helping us, and we’re helping her by raising this baby in a loving home filled with security and happiness.  Oh, my heart hurt and I couldn’t stop crying.  Stefani looked at me and said “it’s Terrible beautiful, isn’t it?”.  Yes.  That’s exactly it.  It’s a terrible, beautiful thing.  Deep, deep sadness, and joy without boundaries.  We packed little Brooklyn into the car and M. left to go get a cigarette, which she’s been dying to have for some time now.  It made it easier to drive away, and Stefani said “Have the best ride of your lives” as we left.  Brooklyn was crying… what a glorious sound!  Amazing.  We had some quiet time in the hotel, and then after awhile, Stefani and M. came and we had a few hours of time together.  We got takeout from Applebees, and hung out in our hotel room, literally passing the baby around the circle.  M. is quite the storyteller, and so we enjoyed just listening to all she had to say.  We feel like we need to absorb it, write it all down, every detail about who M. is, what she’s like, what she likes and doesn’t like, what she says.  I want Brooklyn to have it all some day.  They only stayed for a few hours, then they left again and we just sat and held and starred at our beautiful girl.  We’re in love.  We’re in awe.  We’re mesmerized by her.  We all met up again for pizza and beer tonight… yes, we all had beer.  Stefani and I had Mike’s black cherry hard lemonade, and M. and Brian had Yingling.  We just sat and laughed and talked and relaxed while we again passed the peanut around the circle.  This is such special, special time.  I will never, ever forget it for as long as I live.  Now, we’re all tucked into our own little space.  Brooklyn is spending her first night away from the hospital with her Mommy and her Daddy, with Stefani and birth mom M. right down the hall in their own rooms.  I’m not sleeping, but baby and Daddy are.  I wonder when the paranoid part goes away?  The part where you’re convinced your baby is going to stop breathing if you close your eyes for awhile?  My first night as a worried mommy.  That’s why I’m awake.  I am so, so grateful for the opportunity to lose sleep over worrying about my child.

It's a GIRL!

January 27, 2012 

Brooklyn Lily Metzger entered the world at 4:51 PM, weighing in at 6 lbs. 14 oz. and 20 ½ inches long.  OMG!  I can’t believe it!  I’m amazed, shocked, in awe.  We got the call about 20 minutes after she was born, and were with her by 6 PM.  I didn’t know what to expect… our emotions were running wild.  M.’s sister’s partner was there, and we were told that before we went into the room.  She was holding Brooklyn, and right away I just went to M. and hugged her, almost afraid to look at the baby.  I wanted M. to know that we were thinking of her, not just ourselves.  But, as seems to be M.’s style, she just said, “Teri, do you want to hold her?”.  Of course.  Of course.  My daughter, Brooklyn.  I felt so thankful, so grateful, so amazed that M. was that generous with us.  Her sister’s partner handed her to me.  She was clearly uncomfortable, clearly struggling with this, so we didn’t push it with her.   She had a 2 hour drive back home, and was preparing to leave as arrived.  I don’t know if she was leaving because we were there, or because she just had to get on the road, but we could sense her hesitation, or her sadness, or something that wasn’t all rosey and happy.  Understandable.  I think that yesterday, we were so shell shocked that I felt pretty detached.  I mean, I had some tears, I felt nervous and excited, but I didn’t feel like Brooklyn was ours as soon as she was placed in my arms.  I couldn’t stop staring at her, but I certainly didn’t feel that connection, that instant mother/daughter bond that I had hoped for.  I’m sure, looking at it objectively now, that it was my subconscious trying to protect us, because until the papers are signed on Sunday night, she’s really not ours yet.  The funny thing is, M. is being so giving and caring towards us, referring to us as her parents, giving us free reign with her.  In fact, she let me give Brooklyn her first bottle.  Amazing.  I felt like I was stealing a moment that belonged to M., but she really seems ok with everything.  Brian and I got a bath class from the “baby nurse”, and it didn’t feel good to me because she (the nurse) had her back to M. throughout the whole experience.  It felt so great to be treated as her parents, but at the same time, I felt such a sadness for M.  M. seems to be doing great, hasn’t cried, hasn’t seemed sad.  It’s hard to say if she’s also protecting herself, or if she’s just so secure in this choice that she’s ok.  Overall, I felt detached yesterday.  Maybe a little bit in shocked.  Our social worker was there the whole time, helping and supporting all of us.  I didn’t sleep a wink last night.  I couldn’t get that beautiful baby, and she is totally beautiful, out of my mind.  I don’t think I talked about the name… Brooklyn was a name that Brian and I heard along the way somehow, though we can’t remember how anymore, and we just loved it.  There’s a song called I.And.Love.And.You by the Avett Brothers that we both really love that talks about a Brooklyn.  So, we knew this was the first name that we wanted.  M.’s mother (who adopted her as a baby) was named Lillian, and if M. had chosen to parent, Brooklyn would have been Lillian Veronica.  We wanted to honor M. and her mother, so we shortened Lillian to Lily and gave it to her as a middle name.  We were nervous, but M. really seems to love it.  We’ve talked about it a few times now, and so she is Brooklyn.  If yesterday I felt detached, today, I fell in love.  I can’t say enough about what an ideal experience this has been.  It’s so special, this time with all of us including M.  She’s so open, so giving, so generous.  It’s hard for me to put into words all that I feel for her and this baby.  She really sees us as the parents, and she’s interested in being involved but has said that she’ll defer to us as to what’s in Brooklyn’s best interest.  Wow.  I couldn’t have imagined a more ideal experience.  I’m at a loss for words right now, so I’ll close here and just leave you with this.  We’ve got a beautiful daughter who is the greatest gift of my life, and we’ll forever love and cherish M. for what she has done for us.

Birthday

January 26, 2012 

So, the time has come, and baby is almost here.  We found out about 23 minutes ago that M. is 10 cm dilated and ready to push… we’re anxiously awaiting the news in the Holiday Inn down the street.  We can’t go for awhile.  M. needs rest, Baby needs rest.  But, we’re lucky enough to be nearby with Stefani texting us throughout the day to tell us all about what’s going on over there.  M. is in good spirits.  She’s been nervous, but she’s cracking jokes and trying to lighten the mood.  She sent a message to us via Stefani that she’s really giving birth to a litter of lab pups, but that we get the pick of the litter.  This is how M. copes with stress… she uses humor, which is good.  We had a good laugh and some text messages back and forth.  There was a scare earlier today when M. was given the wrong medication for a sinus infection.  Scary!  Instead of an antibiotic, she got some seizure meds.  The hospital staff was very upset and apologetic, and scared of course, but seems like all will be ok.  They consulted with poison control and a pediatrician, and whoever else needed to be involved, and the bottom line is that it will not cause M. or baby any harm but both could be sleepy for awhile because of it.  We’re just relieved that they’re both ok.  They’re going to go over everything with us when we get there later, so no worries.  It’s a gray, rainy day and our hotel room overlooks a dirt pile, and in the distance we can see a grocery store, Walmart, Kohls, McDonalds, and Applebees, so we’ll have plenty to eat and some shopping to do.  The drive was ok, we ate at Subway along the way and listened to some good music to try to calm our nerves.  Anxiety has certainly set in, accompanied by extreme excitement.  The time has come!  Wow.

For Real This Time?

January 25, 2012 

It’s Wednesday night, and yesterday we got a call from Stefani saying that M. had called and told her that the doctor had a “conflict” with today and postponed her being induced until tomorrow.  YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!???  Amazing how a baby’s birth is dependent on the doctor’s plans, isn’t it?  So, we endured another long one, waiting for baby.  We took the day, just the two of us, to spend relaxing as best we can, and to just be.  I know I couldn’t have dealt with another day at the office, taking care of someone else’s kids while waiting for my own, keeping the secret and lying some more when people say “what’s new?”, or “have you heard anything yet?”.   We mostly hung out at home, packing, reading, finding ways to waste time.  We went to Movie Tavern, had dinner and saw the sad, intense movie “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” about a boy who loses his father on 911.  We expected it to be a tear jerker… it was, but not as much as we’d expected… and thought it might actually be helpful in releasing some strong, pent up emotion.  We didn’t get that from it, but we did have two hours where we weren’t obsessing about an upcoming birth.  We’ve had M. on our minds.  Stefani called tonight to tell us that she’s getting scared, and that she asked Stefani to be there with her as she gets started in the morning.  We’re thankful that she felt comfortable reaching out for support.  Part of me wishes it could be me there with her, but I’m probably too invested in the baby to truly be there for her in the way that she needs someone to be there for her.  I just can’t imagine how it must feel for her, about to give birth which is scary enough, but to be alone, and to know you’re making an adoption plan.  You do the work, someone else gets the glory.  I feel for her.  My heart hurts a little bit for her tonight.  Wow.  I really can’t believe my child is going to be born tomorrow.  This fantasy child, the one we’ve talked about, obsessed over, planned for, longed for, dreamt about… this child is coming into the world tomorrow, and we’re so, so grateful.

The Time is Coming!!

January 23, 2012

Ok, kiddo… so we heard that you’re coming into the world, ready or not, on Wednesday.  That’s two long days from now.  Oh, my gosh are we so excited to finally meet you!!  We cannot wait!  We know it’s going to be a long day.  A very, very long day indeed.  But, we can manage it.  Stefani said not to rush up there, that some babies take a long time to actually make it into the world once the expectant mother is induced.  And of course, M. will need some time to rest before she’s able to accept visitors.  It’s so hard right now to think of ourselves as visitors, because in our hearts, you’re already our child, and we’re your parents.  We want to be with you the moment your little body enters the world.  But, we have to be patient.  We have to respect M. and her need to be your mom for her limited amount of time that she’s got.  She’s giving us the gift of the rest of your life as your parents.  The least we can do is respect her time until she’s ready to invite us into your life.  We’re so anxious to meet you we can hardly stand it.  We’re dreaming big dreams of our life with you.  We are so, so happy.  See you Wednesday, little one.

More Waiting...

January 21, 2012 

Well, here we are two weeks after finding out about Baby, and still we wait… no baby yet.  What a long, stressful, anxiety producing couple of weeks!  Talk about asking people to really reach way down inside themselves and find their greatest strength and an infinite amount of patience… we’re trying, because we have no choice, but it’s gut wrenchingly hard!  This week M. had two doctor’s appointments, and at the first one, her actual due date came into question.  She had to switch doctors at a late stage in this pregnancy, and the new doctor feels her due date should have been the 17^th rather than the 10^th, which is why he hasn’t been inclined to induce.  She also had an ultrasound to make sure her fluid levels were ok, and we didn’t get an update after that one, so I’m sure it was fine and nothing to report.  We’re living in limbo right now, more so than we have been for the past year, not knowing when we’ll be starting our leave, when we’ll be heading to the hospital, etc.  We have been told that M. would like us to come to the hospital to visit, which makes us feel really good.  We wanted that, but also need to respect her and give her her time and space.  After all, she has 72 hours before she can surrender her parental rights, and until that time, Baby is hers.  It’s her time, and maybe the only time she’ll get as the Mommy.  As much as we want to swoop in and start our lives as parents, we have the rest of Baby’s life and M. has 72 hours. So, we sit in anticipation.  We’re trying to keep doing what we do each day, but my mind is a constant flurry of activity, which makes it hard for my body to do what I want it to do.  I keep getting sidetracked, having trouble completing what I’m setting out to do.  I’m feeling some mix of wanting to nest… get the house in tip top shape so that Baby comes home to a clean, fresh environment (and because who knows when I’ll get an opportunity to clean like this again?  I mean, really, really clean?) and wanting to hibernate.  Mother Nature sent us a nice blanket of white snow last night, and its overcast today.  A good day to hunker down under a blanket with some good music, some hot tea, and a good book.  And hey, when am I going to get a day to sit and relax and read again?  Maybe not for awhile.  Good thing there’s two days in the weekend.  Maybe I can manage both.  We sent a note to M. through Stefani this week, who was going up to see her and provide some extra support to her.  I’ve had a lot of questions on my mind about how she might be doing, from an emotional standpoint.  I wondered if maybe she’s happy that the baby is taking his/her time, so that she can stay close for just a while longer, or is she like most pregnant women who are tired and ready at this point?  Stefani tells us that she’s ready.  She feels really good about her decision, knowing that Baby is going to be safe and secure, having a good life, with us, and she’s frustrated that she’s still pregnant.  She’s ready for this to be done.  She’s walking a lot, trying to get something started, trying to coax Baby into coming out.  I’m sure there’s an element of sadness, too, despite feeling good about her choice and feeling good about us.  She’s a kind person.   She’s a caring person.  She’s making the biggest sacrifice for this baby by choosing not to parent.  I can’t imagine what’s happening with her as I sit here, consumed by what’s happening with us. 

The Wait Goes On...

January 16, 2012

So, we’re still anxiously waiting for Baby to arrive.  It’s killing us!  We’re filled with thoughts of M. and how she must be doing right now, along with crazy thoughts about how our lives are about to change, if this happens.  Our minds are mush, our thoughts so jumbled.  It’s the strangest feeling of anxiety, nervousness, and excitement.  We had a family filled weekend, and man, was it hard to keep this secret!  It was torture!  Mom and Dad know, only because we needed to make arrangements for Ruby and they happen to be coming to the area this weekend, so we had to casually tell them and ask them to take Ruby back to NY with them.  I know that they’re really excited, but they did an awesome job of playing it cool and not letting on that something major is about to happen.  It felt good to have them with us for a few days before the weekend, so that we could talk about it.  Balancing how much to tell them with what to keep to ourselves for now was a bit tough, but overall, it was a relief to have them here and be able to talk when we wanted to.  Thank God for a weekend where the focus was someone else.  It was Stacey’s weekend.  Julie came up from NC for her, mom and dad came for her, and I was here for her.  We went wedding dress shopping and bridal/mother of the bride dress shopping.  It’s such an exciting time for Stacey, and as much as I want that baby to get here, I wanted this weekend with my family and I wanted it to be perfect for Stacey.  It was.  We didn’t have to steal her thunder, though I know that everyone would have been super thrilled and so excited it wouldn’t have mattered.  I didn’t want to miss out on that opportunity to be with her when she found her wedding dress, though… so as much longing as I have right now, I think that Baby did us a favor by waiting a couple extra days.  Now, Ruby’s well cared for, Julie’s on her way home, Mom and Dad are almost home, and we’re just here with an empty nest, wanting to fill it up.  Now’s the time, Baby… you’re welcome to come now.  We’re here, arms wide open, hearts so full and everything’s really ok.

Due Date

January 10, 2012- 

Well, no baby yet.  We know that M was only one centimeter dilated yesterday, so it could be awhile or it could start to pick up and happen quickly.  We all know that!  We’re trying to settle into this new “wait” as best we can.  We were just getting good at the other one, and now this new one has us rattled!  Talk about anxiety times 10!  But, we’re doing ok, trying to focus on our daily lives and our jobs, trying to keep busy.  As I sit in eager anticipation of what’s to come and what’s hopefully to be, I find myself thinking constantly about M.  I know that most pregnant people, at this point in the pregnancy, are so ready for it to end, for the baby to come out already, so that she can feel better and they can meet their beautiful baby.  What about in this situation?  M. appears very committed to the adoption plan.  She is not wavering at this point.  So, is she silently hoping that this precious little one hangs tight for awhile?  Does she want to keep him or her as close as possible for as long as possible?  Or, does she want to give birth as badly as we want her to?  Is she dreading the next week of her life?  Is she feeling at peace and content with her decision?  It’s my natural tendency to worry about people and to want to take care of them… I guess I might feel it even more in this case.  After all, she’s the woman who may just make me a mamma.  She may give Brian and I something we want so desperately.  Tonight, I wish her comfort and peace.  I hope she knows she’s being thought about, that her feelings matter to us.  She’s not just a means to an end for us.  We care, and we want her to know that.

The Meeting

January 9, 2010-

How do I begin to describe today?  How do I put into words the thoughts and feelings that I’m experiencing right now?  Today was profound, meaningful, and so very special.  We met the woman who has chosen us to parent her child.  Of course I have to mention that the baby is not born yet, and that she can still change her mind.  I have to mention that she can’t surrender her rights to this child until 72 hours after the birth, during which time she can also change her mind.  So, while nothing is set in stone, as of right now she is fully committed to the adoption plan, and we are the people she is choosing to parent the baby.  We are overwhelmed with emotion.  We are elated.  We are over the moon excited and happy.  We are grateful.  While I am not going to share all of the details of this meeting here on this blog, nor will I share many details about this woman, let me just say these things about her.  She is bright and funny.  She is intelligent.  She is kind and caring and has a strength that is beyond words.  She cares so deeply about this baby that she is ensuring that he or she gets the life that she feels s(he) deserves and yet she is unable to provide.  She’s a survivor, she’s struggled and will struggle in ways I can only imagine but will never fully comprehend.  I am in awe of her.  We felt connected to her by the end of our meeting.  It went so well.  Talk about the most awkward experience at first, though… I mean, here we are, standing here saying hello to this very pregnant woman who’s quite possibly carrying our child, our dream, our heart in her belly.  What do you say?  How do you say all that lies beneath the surface and deep within our hearts? Thank God for Stefani.  She was there.  We met with her first to ask our questions and get some preparation for the meeting from her.   She shared information and had great advice.  This woman, I’ll call her M so that I don’t have to keep calling her “this woman”, was being supported and prepped by another social worker from the agency named Portia.  Both Stefani and Portia did a great job of helping us keep the conversation flowing and that settled our nerves a bit.  As the meeting went on, we got more and more comfortable and we were able to share some stories and share some laughs.  The most pivotal moment, one that touched me deeply and I’ll never, ever forget, came towards the end when we were really feeling like we’d made a nice connection with M.  Brian told her how excited we are, and how grateful he is that she choose us, and I started to tear up, unable to say anything except “there are no words to describe it…” and that’s when she did it.  M slowly pulled out a small piece of paper that she had rolled up.  She unrolled it and handed us a gift unlike any other… a glimpse of the baby in the form of last week’s ultrasound pictures.  I couldn’t believe she was sharing that with us.  Those were hers... a piece of her heart.  They were something she could have always kept for herself, and she chose to share them with us.  It felt like a message, an acceptance of us, and an affirmation of a promise.  Regardless of how this plays out, I will always cherish that moment.  We were later told that she’d brought it along just in case… in case she wanted to share a message like that with us.  I can honestly say this is probably one of the moments in my life that I’ll carry with me and never, ever forget. 

From the Ordinary to the Extraordinary

January 7, 2012

The day started out ordinary enough.  A gorgeous, sunny, and warm January day.  Yes, I did say WARM January day.  It was close to 60 degrees today!  Miracles never cease, right?  Brian and I set out to get our lives under control by way of cleaning and organizing, putting away Christmas decorations, and in general, just establishing a sense of order so that we can settle into this new year with positive attitudes and a feeling of peace.  We, like everyone else, have made some New Year’s Resolutions that center around healthy living… getting back to the gym, taking a few classes there, eating better, losing baby weight (yes, I’ve started to think of it affectionately in that way, as I’m a stress/comfort eater and we’ve had just a little bit of stress and anxiety these past few years!), and taking good care of ourselves.  We’re off to a great start; encouraging each other and finding that inner determination that we both know we possess, but that we let elude us from time to time.  We’re working on figuring out where we are spiritually, what we want for our future little one, what we want for ourselves, etc.  We’re busy with this self-work!

Anyway, I digress.  We started going about our business.  Had breakfast, hung out a bit, Brian started some laundry, and I decided to head out and get a handful of errands done and out of the way.  We both wanted to get the “chores” done as soon as possible so that we could get outside and enjoy this day.  Ruby was hoping for a walk at the bird sanctuary.

Before the holidays, we’d met with Stefani for a home study update.  She suggested at that time that we change the front cover of our profile, as we had a picture of us on it that was looking off to the side, rather than straight at the camera, and she felt that when a birth mother looks at it, we’re not “looking at her”.  We agreed.  It was something we’d all gone back and forth about last year when we started this process, but we ended up going with one that in the end might not be the best.  We had Mary (Brian’s mom) take a bunch of pictures of us while we were down in Aiken, SC visiting a few weeks ago.  We found one that Stefani liked, though I was unsure of.  Trusting her, we had the profiles printed up.  I wasn’t happy with the results, because our faces looked blotchy.  I sent them off to her and she told me she’d call me to talk about them after she got them in the mail.  So, this is the part where our ordinary day switched and became the extraordinary.

I’d completed most of my errands and had two quick ones left to go.  I was trying hard to get done by a certain time of the day, so I was on a mission.  As I was pulling into the parking lot of the Ulta store to go and purchase my new flat iron, my phone rang and it was Brian’s ring.  I almost missed the call, because I had to pull into my parking space, dig through my purse and try to find that darn phone.  Are you sitting down?  Please do.  Brian says to me “Hey, Ter… Stefani called.  No joke”.  My heart started hammering inside my chest and my eyes started to tear up, but I quickly came to my senses and said “She said she was going to call to talk about our profile”.  Brian seemed to think this was different, though, because she said that she thought it was better if she talked to us together and asked that we call her back when I got home.  I forced myself to finish my errands while literally fighting back tears.  I was analyzing everything, trying to create the explanation that I really wanted.  After all… it’s Saturday, and she doesn’t work Saturdays, so why would she call to talk about profiles? Also, she’s an emailer.  Most of our contact about such things is done via email.  Why would she want to call us about it?  All she has to do is say its fine or it’s not.  Was she thinking she’d be calling us anyway?  AND, why would she feel it was better to discuss profiles with both of us present?  I knew.  My heart and my head were telling me that this was IT.  THE CALL we’ve been anticipating for so long and praying for.  This was the moment… the one that begins to change our lives forever.  The moment when I realize that it’s really happening.  The dream I’ve carried close to my heart for my entire life is potentially coming true.  How did I get so lucky?  How could this be?  How could this NOT be?  I raced through those last two errands and tried to control myself as I pointed my car towards home.  Forced myself to put away the groceries before running for the telephone.  Brian helped, and we went and sat together, phones in hand, and Brian dialed Stefani’s cell phone.  We looked at each other as we waited for her to pick up… knowing, and barely able to breathe.  She asked how we were (ok, a formality but you KNOW how we are… no time for chit chat!), and started the conversation by asking if we were sitting down, then saying that she wanted to talk to us both because, while this is still a potential situation and things can change, there’s a woman who is due to give birth on Tuesday (TUESDAY…??!! That’s 3 days from now!!  HOLY CRAP!) and that she loves us.  She loves us.  The conversation went on and on, but I couldn’t hear much.  Someone chose us to potentially parent her baby.  Wow.  I can’t breathe… what an enormous honor.  What a blessing.  What a gift.  This stranger looked at a bunch of pictures of us, read our story, and wants to entrust the life of her most precious gift to us…  literally putting a piece of her life into our hands.  I can’t think of anything more profound than that.   I can’t think of anything more special and meaningful.  I can’t think of a greater responsibility that we’re so eager and willing to take on.  We understand that this is not a done deal until it’s done… this lovely woman has 3 days after the baby is born before she’s able to sign her rights away.  She can change her mind at any time, and while Stefani feels good about her for a variety of reasons, there is one red flag.  We’re told to protect our hearts… which I have no idea how to do because I’ve never learned it.  So, I don’t want to even try.  I’m going to move through the next several days with hope in my heart and trust in my soul, and just see how this is meant to play out.  I have to trust that it’ll work out as it’s meant to be, and that we’ll all be better and stronger for whatever that may be.  No matter what happens next, we’ve already been given one of the most amazing and precious gifts…this woman chose us.  She loved us, and she chose us.

Brooklyn Lily Metzger

As most of you probably know by now, SHE'S HERE!!  Brooklyn Lily found her way to us on January 26th.  She weighed 6 lbs, 14 oz. and she's just perfect!  We've had the most amazing experience, and I did blog throughout the past few weeks, but couldn't post it.  I couldn't let anyone know until we knew for certain that she was going to be our little girl.  Well, now that she's here and she's not going anywhere... I can post those back blogs.  So, enjoy.  I'm off to love up my beautiful little girl!