More Waiting...

January 21, 2012 

Well, here we are two weeks after finding out about Baby, and still we wait… no baby yet.  What a long, stressful, anxiety producing couple of weeks!  Talk about asking people to really reach way down inside themselves and find their greatest strength and an infinite amount of patience… we’re trying, because we have no choice, but it’s gut wrenchingly hard!  This week M. had two doctor’s appointments, and at the first one, her actual due date came into question.  She had to switch doctors at a late stage in this pregnancy, and the new doctor feels her due date should have been the 17^th rather than the 10^th, which is why he hasn’t been inclined to induce.  She also had an ultrasound to make sure her fluid levels were ok, and we didn’t get an update after that one, so I’m sure it was fine and nothing to report.  We’re living in limbo right now, more so than we have been for the past year, not knowing when we’ll be starting our leave, when we’ll be heading to the hospital, etc.  We have been told that M. would like us to come to the hospital to visit, which makes us feel really good.  We wanted that, but also need to respect her and give her her time and space.  After all, she has 72 hours before she can surrender her parental rights, and until that time, Baby is hers.  It’s her time, and maybe the only time she’ll get as the Mommy.  As much as we want to swoop in and start our lives as parents, we have the rest of Baby’s life and M. has 72 hours. So, we sit in anticipation.  We’re trying to keep doing what we do each day, but my mind is a constant flurry of activity, which makes it hard for my body to do what I want it to do.  I keep getting sidetracked, having trouble completing what I’m setting out to do.  I’m feeling some mix of wanting to nest… get the house in tip top shape so that Baby comes home to a clean, fresh environment (and because who knows when I’ll get an opportunity to clean like this again?  I mean, really, really clean?) and wanting to hibernate.  Mother Nature sent us a nice blanket of white snow last night, and its overcast today.  A good day to hunker down under a blanket with some good music, some hot tea, and a good book.  And hey, when am I going to get a day to sit and relax and read again?  Maybe not for awhile.  Good thing there’s two days in the weekend.  Maybe I can manage both.  We sent a note to M. through Stefani this week, who was going up to see her and provide some extra support to her.  I’ve had a lot of questions on my mind about how she might be doing, from an emotional standpoint.  I wondered if maybe she’s happy that the baby is taking his/her time, so that she can stay close for just a while longer, or is she like most pregnant women who are tired and ready at this point?  Stefani tells us that she’s ready.  She feels really good about her decision, knowing that Baby is going to be safe and secure, having a good life, with us, and she’s frustrated that she’s still pregnant.  She’s ready for this to be done.  She’s walking a lot, trying to get something started, trying to coax Baby into coming out.  I’m sure there’s an element of sadness, too, despite feeling good about her choice and feeling good about us.  She’s a kind person.   She’s a caring person.  She’s making the biggest sacrifice for this baby by choosing not to parent.  I can’t imagine what’s happening with her as I sit here, consumed by what’s happening with us. 

The Wait Goes On...

January 16, 2012

So, we’re still anxiously waiting for Baby to arrive.  It’s killing us!  We’re filled with thoughts of M. and how she must be doing right now, along with crazy thoughts about how our lives are about to change, if this happens.  Our minds are mush, our thoughts so jumbled.  It’s the strangest feeling of anxiety, nervousness, and excitement.  We had a family filled weekend, and man, was it hard to keep this secret!  It was torture!  Mom and Dad know, only because we needed to make arrangements for Ruby and they happen to be coming to the area this weekend, so we had to casually tell them and ask them to take Ruby back to NY with them.  I know that they’re really excited, but they did an awesome job of playing it cool and not letting on that something major is about to happen.  It felt good to have them with us for a few days before the weekend, so that we could talk about it.  Balancing how much to tell them with what to keep to ourselves for now was a bit tough, but overall, it was a relief to have them here and be able to talk when we wanted to.  Thank God for a weekend where the focus was someone else.  It was Stacey’s weekend.  Julie came up from NC for her, mom and dad came for her, and I was here for her.  We went wedding dress shopping and bridal/mother of the bride dress shopping.  It’s such an exciting time for Stacey, and as much as I want that baby to get here, I wanted this weekend with my family and I wanted it to be perfect for Stacey.  It was.  We didn’t have to steal her thunder, though I know that everyone would have been super thrilled and so excited it wouldn’t have mattered.  I didn’t want to miss out on that opportunity to be with her when she found her wedding dress, though… so as much longing as I have right now, I think that Baby did us a favor by waiting a couple extra days.  Now, Ruby’s well cared for, Julie’s on her way home, Mom and Dad are almost home, and we’re just here with an empty nest, wanting to fill it up.  Now’s the time, Baby… you’re welcome to come now.  We’re here, arms wide open, hearts so full and everything’s really ok.

Due Date

January 10, 2012- 

Well, no baby yet.  We know that M was only one centimeter dilated yesterday, so it could be awhile or it could start to pick up and happen quickly.  We all know that!  We’re trying to settle into this new “wait” as best we can.  We were just getting good at the other one, and now this new one has us rattled!  Talk about anxiety times 10!  But, we’re doing ok, trying to focus on our daily lives and our jobs, trying to keep busy.  As I sit in eager anticipation of what’s to come and what’s hopefully to be, I find myself thinking constantly about M.  I know that most pregnant people, at this point in the pregnancy, are so ready for it to end, for the baby to come out already, so that she can feel better and they can meet their beautiful baby.  What about in this situation?  M. appears very committed to the adoption plan.  She is not wavering at this point.  So, is she silently hoping that this precious little one hangs tight for awhile?  Does she want to keep him or her as close as possible for as long as possible?  Or, does she want to give birth as badly as we want her to?  Is she dreading the next week of her life?  Is she feeling at peace and content with her decision?  It’s my natural tendency to worry about people and to want to take care of them… I guess I might feel it even more in this case.  After all, she’s the woman who may just make me a mamma.  She may give Brian and I something we want so desperately.  Tonight, I wish her comfort and peace.  I hope she knows she’s being thought about, that her feelings matter to us.  She’s not just a means to an end for us.  We care, and we want her to know that.

The Meeting

January 9, 2010-

How do I begin to describe today?  How do I put into words the thoughts and feelings that I’m experiencing right now?  Today was profound, meaningful, and so very special.  We met the woman who has chosen us to parent her child.  Of course I have to mention that the baby is not born yet, and that she can still change her mind.  I have to mention that she can’t surrender her rights to this child until 72 hours after the birth, during which time she can also change her mind.  So, while nothing is set in stone, as of right now she is fully committed to the adoption plan, and we are the people she is choosing to parent the baby.  We are overwhelmed with emotion.  We are elated.  We are over the moon excited and happy.  We are grateful.  While I am not going to share all of the details of this meeting here on this blog, nor will I share many details about this woman, let me just say these things about her.  She is bright and funny.  She is intelligent.  She is kind and caring and has a strength that is beyond words.  She cares so deeply about this baby that she is ensuring that he or she gets the life that she feels s(he) deserves and yet she is unable to provide.  She’s a survivor, she’s struggled and will struggle in ways I can only imagine but will never fully comprehend.  I am in awe of her.  We felt connected to her by the end of our meeting.  It went so well.  Talk about the most awkward experience at first, though… I mean, here we are, standing here saying hello to this very pregnant woman who’s quite possibly carrying our child, our dream, our heart in her belly.  What do you say?  How do you say all that lies beneath the surface and deep within our hearts? Thank God for Stefani.  She was there.  We met with her first to ask our questions and get some preparation for the meeting from her.   She shared information and had great advice.  This woman, I’ll call her M so that I don’t have to keep calling her “this woman”, was being supported and prepped by another social worker from the agency named Portia.  Both Stefani and Portia did a great job of helping us keep the conversation flowing and that settled our nerves a bit.  As the meeting went on, we got more and more comfortable and we were able to share some stories and share some laughs.  The most pivotal moment, one that touched me deeply and I’ll never, ever forget, came towards the end when we were really feeling like we’d made a nice connection with M.  Brian told her how excited we are, and how grateful he is that she choose us, and I started to tear up, unable to say anything except “there are no words to describe it…” and that’s when she did it.  M slowly pulled out a small piece of paper that she had rolled up.  She unrolled it and handed us a gift unlike any other… a glimpse of the baby in the form of last week’s ultrasound pictures.  I couldn’t believe she was sharing that with us.  Those were hers... a piece of her heart.  They were something she could have always kept for herself, and she chose to share them with us.  It felt like a message, an acceptance of us, and an affirmation of a promise.  Regardless of how this plays out, I will always cherish that moment.  We were later told that she’d brought it along just in case… in case she wanted to share a message like that with us.  I can honestly say this is probably one of the moments in my life that I’ll carry with me and never, ever forget. 

From the Ordinary to the Extraordinary

January 7, 2012

The day started out ordinary enough.  A gorgeous, sunny, and warm January day.  Yes, I did say WARM January day.  It was close to 60 degrees today!  Miracles never cease, right?  Brian and I set out to get our lives under control by way of cleaning and organizing, putting away Christmas decorations, and in general, just establishing a sense of order so that we can settle into this new year with positive attitudes and a feeling of peace.  We, like everyone else, have made some New Year’s Resolutions that center around healthy living… getting back to the gym, taking a few classes there, eating better, losing baby weight (yes, I’ve started to think of it affectionately in that way, as I’m a stress/comfort eater and we’ve had just a little bit of stress and anxiety these past few years!), and taking good care of ourselves.  We’re off to a great start; encouraging each other and finding that inner determination that we both know we possess, but that we let elude us from time to time.  We’re working on figuring out where we are spiritually, what we want for our future little one, what we want for ourselves, etc.  We’re busy with this self-work!

Anyway, I digress.  We started going about our business.  Had breakfast, hung out a bit, Brian started some laundry, and I decided to head out and get a handful of errands done and out of the way.  We both wanted to get the “chores” done as soon as possible so that we could get outside and enjoy this day.  Ruby was hoping for a walk at the bird sanctuary.

Before the holidays, we’d met with Stefani for a home study update.  She suggested at that time that we change the front cover of our profile, as we had a picture of us on it that was looking off to the side, rather than straight at the camera, and she felt that when a birth mother looks at it, we’re not “looking at her”.  We agreed.  It was something we’d all gone back and forth about last year when we started this process, but we ended up going with one that in the end might not be the best.  We had Mary (Brian’s mom) take a bunch of pictures of us while we were down in Aiken, SC visiting a few weeks ago.  We found one that Stefani liked, though I was unsure of.  Trusting her, we had the profiles printed up.  I wasn’t happy with the results, because our faces looked blotchy.  I sent them off to her and she told me she’d call me to talk about them after she got them in the mail.  So, this is the part where our ordinary day switched and became the extraordinary.

I’d completed most of my errands and had two quick ones left to go.  I was trying hard to get done by a certain time of the day, so I was on a mission.  As I was pulling into the parking lot of the Ulta store to go and purchase my new flat iron, my phone rang and it was Brian’s ring.  I almost missed the call, because I had to pull into my parking space, dig through my purse and try to find that darn phone.  Are you sitting down?  Please do.  Brian says to me “Hey, Ter… Stefani called.  No joke”.  My heart started hammering inside my chest and my eyes started to tear up, but I quickly came to my senses and said “She said she was going to call to talk about our profile”.  Brian seemed to think this was different, though, because she said that she thought it was better if she talked to us together and asked that we call her back when I got home.  I forced myself to finish my errands while literally fighting back tears.  I was analyzing everything, trying to create the explanation that I really wanted.  After all… it’s Saturday, and she doesn’t work Saturdays, so why would she call to talk about profiles? Also, she’s an emailer.  Most of our contact about such things is done via email.  Why would she want to call us about it?  All she has to do is say its fine or it’s not.  Was she thinking she’d be calling us anyway?  AND, why would she feel it was better to discuss profiles with both of us present?  I knew.  My heart and my head were telling me that this was IT.  THE CALL we’ve been anticipating for so long and praying for.  This was the moment… the one that begins to change our lives forever.  The moment when I realize that it’s really happening.  The dream I’ve carried close to my heart for my entire life is potentially coming true.  How did I get so lucky?  How could this be?  How could this NOT be?  I raced through those last two errands and tried to control myself as I pointed my car towards home.  Forced myself to put away the groceries before running for the telephone.  Brian helped, and we went and sat together, phones in hand, and Brian dialed Stefani’s cell phone.  We looked at each other as we waited for her to pick up… knowing, and barely able to breathe.  She asked how we were (ok, a formality but you KNOW how we are… no time for chit chat!), and started the conversation by asking if we were sitting down, then saying that she wanted to talk to us both because, while this is still a potential situation and things can change, there’s a woman who is due to give birth on Tuesday (TUESDAY…??!! That’s 3 days from now!!  HOLY CRAP!) and that she loves us.  She loves us.  The conversation went on and on, but I couldn’t hear much.  Someone chose us to potentially parent her baby.  Wow.  I can’t breathe… what an enormous honor.  What a blessing.  What a gift.  This stranger looked at a bunch of pictures of us, read our story, and wants to entrust the life of her most precious gift to us…  literally putting a piece of her life into our hands.  I can’t think of anything more profound than that.   I can’t think of anything more special and meaningful.  I can’t think of a greater responsibility that we’re so eager and willing to take on.  We understand that this is not a done deal until it’s done… this lovely woman has 3 days after the baby is born before she’s able to sign her rights away.  She can change her mind at any time, and while Stefani feels good about her for a variety of reasons, there is one red flag.  We’re told to protect our hearts… which I have no idea how to do because I’ve never learned it.  So, I don’t want to even try.  I’m going to move through the next several days with hope in my heart and trust in my soul, and just see how this is meant to play out.  I have to trust that it’ll work out as it’s meant to be, and that we’ll all be better and stronger for whatever that may be.  No matter what happens next, we’ve already been given one of the most amazing and precious gifts…this woman chose us.  She loved us, and she chose us.

Brooklyn Lily Metzger

As most of you probably know by now, SHE'S HERE!!  Brooklyn Lily found her way to us on January 26th.  She weighed 6 lbs, 14 oz. and she's just perfect!  We've had the most amazing experience, and I did blog throughout the past few weeks, but couldn't post it.  I couldn't let anyone know until we knew for certain that she was going to be our little girl.  Well, now that she's here and she's not going anywhere... I can post those back blogs.  So, enjoy.  I'm off to love up my beautiful little girl!

13th Month Waitaversary

Wow.  Today marks 13 months.  Does it seem impossible, or does it seem like we've been at this forever?  Both.  Time is a funny, funny thing.  How does it feel both like we just started and like we've been at it forever?  Not sure, but that's how it feels.  I'm not sure what else I can say about it at this point.  We're doing the best we can... but we're tired of it and so ready for it to end.  We seek support and encouragement from our fellow adoptive families, our family, our friends... and everyone has been amazing!  Some people completely get it because their either living it themselves or they've lived it at some point, and others just try to understand as best they can.  Regardless of the role, every single person shows us in some way that they're on our side, that they're routing for us, that they care.  I feel other's excitement for us.  We really, truly appreciate that beyond words.  I'm sure that 2012 is going to be our year, and I really can't wait to share something besides "another month has passed" with you.  Thanks for being here.  We feel your love!

One year, Come and Gone

Hard to believe a year has passed since we began the "wait".  I didn't think we'd mark this anniversary.  As true as it is that they told us we could possibly wait two years, we never really believed we'd wait even this long.  We had met too many people who'd adopted much faster than this.  We met people who told us "it usually happens much faster than that for people".  We chose to listen to that, while in the back of our minds we knew it was possible.  Just not likely.  And yet, here we are on the one year anniversary of our home study being approved and our profile going "live".  Things just don't always work out in the way that we'd like them to.  We've heard it all... "your baby will find you", "it'll all make sense", "right baby, right time", "it'll happen when it's meant to happen".  Yeah, we know all that and on some level, we believe it, but it just doesn't help to force ourselves to think those things, and it certainly doesn't help to hear it.  After all, is our baby really out there looking for us?  Why doesn't it make sense for us to adopt the next one that comes along?  Why isn't this baby right for us rather than that one?  WHY isn't it meant to happen now, when we're so very, very ready?  Sometimes things happen that put things into perspective, and I question why aren't things in perspective in the first place?  Why do I need something bigger, more challening, or more tragic than this to put my own life and circumstance into perspective?  You know, I feel grateful.  Believe it or not, I've had more than one person offer to "help" us have a biological child, in a different way than we've tried so far.  I've had offers for sperm and for wombs.  I'm laughing as I say this, because it makes me smile to think about the genuine love and caring that goes into someone actually offering that to us, but as much as that offer means, we're beyond it.  We're not hoping for a biological child anymore because it just doesn't matter.  What matters is that we've got a ton of love to give and we just want to be Mommy and Daddy and openly and freely give that love away to our child.  It doesn't matter how that happens anymore.  It stopped mattering last year, in fact.  I feel honored to be able to be a part of the adoption world.  I feel grateful for the people that have come into our lives because of it.  It's a gift that we're being given, and a gift that we can give.  But that doesn't make the longing any less, or the frustration go away while we wait.  It's not up to us to decide when.  Someone else gets to decide that, and we must be patient, as much as we hate that.  We knew about a potential situation recently where a birth mother was looking at our profile.  It was a tough time, because we had to decide if we wanted her to see our profile. There were some circumstances in her history that we weren't 100% comfortable with.  We spent a lot of time talking to our social worker about it, time figuring out our comfort level with it, more time waiting to hear her choice once we became comfortable with it, and then the most time trying to understand why we weren't chosen.  We eventually realized that this in fact was not a situation for us, and that things worked out as they should have.  But what a roller coaster it was!  Shortly after that, we had to update our homestudy.  Our social worker had to come visit, ask a bunch of questions, update some paperwork, etc.  We spent a lot of time talking about how things are going, she reminded us of some things to consider once we get the call, and overall, she was just checking up on us.  So, it's been a busy month, and a busy year.  We were at Coffee Talk the other day and people were talking about the holidays, what it's like to wait during the holidays, and how difficult it is.  I sort of felt like an odd ball because I don't find it more difficult during the holidays.  I welcome them, because it's so busy and our minds are occupied.  Not to say that we wouldn't welcome the call right now, so our holidays can be filled with the gifts of dirty diapers and midnight feedings, but since that doesn't seem to be happening, we need to keep ourselves as busy as we can.  Filling that time with family, friends, chaos, and more chaos is perfect for us.  It's a great time to reflect on what has been and look forward to what's ahead.  I do believe that 2012 is going to be a year of such astounding blessings I can't begin to imagine it.  A friend of mine from highschool looked for and counted 1,000 blessings in 2012.  Her list is not complete yet, but I really look forward to reading her facebook posts that list her daily blessings.  I hope to start focusing my life in that way... focusing on what gifts are set before me each and every day, in the ordinary goings on around me, and maybe among those ordinarly gifts will be the extraordinary.

Blogging Frustration OVER!

I got it figured out, so if you missed the mess, you're thinking I'm crazy now.  I am.  I admit it.  But I'm a happier crazy.  I'll update you on the past month tomorrow!

Blogging frustration

ok, well last month I decided to mess around with my blog.  Wanted to change the layout a little bit, but not the entire look of it.  It changed the entire look of it and I haven't been able to retrieve the old one!  I've also had trouble simply figuring out how to actually post a new blog. I know there was one that I'd tried to post, and it didn't end up there.  So, this that I'm writing right now is an experiment.  If there's any blogging experts out there who know how to help with this, please let me know!  Meanwhile, if this goes through and gets published successfully, I'll have more to say tomorrow.  Wish me luck!  If you're reading this, though... I obviously don't need luck!

Strength of Spirit

I’m constantly surrounded by people who amaze me.  I stand in awe, most of the time, of people and the strength of spirit that they possess.  I’m asked, more than I can say, how I do what I do.  Parents ask me.  Inquisitive people ask me.  They think I’m special because I work with sick kids.  I think I’m fortunate to have the opportunity to work with sick kids.  It doesn’t really take a special person to do what I do.  It’s not for everyone, but neither is engineering, teaching, coaching, retail, etc.  Everyone has their thing.  But, while I’m busy doing “my thing”, I see strength and courage and unbelievable spirit.  The thing is, these are ordinary people doing extraordinary things because they have to, not because they want to.  They don’t choose illness.  It chooses them, or it’s chosen for them, depending on your belief system.  They’re just doing what they need to do to get through it.  What other option is there?  There’s always another option, I suppose.  They could sit in a corner and rock back and forth, as I’m sure they’d like to do sometimes.  They can give up and just let illness rule their lives.  Or they can fight back, and not allow it to determine the way they live their lives in general.  They usually choose to fight it out.  I’ve come to see, very clearly, that if someone dies from their disease, that they have not “lost” the fight as we so often hear people say.  They fought and lost.  No.  I don’t believe this.  There’s no losing here, even if cancer takes over...even if it takes control.  I think the way that person lived their life, with cancer, or in spite of cancer, says so much.  To keep on going, to not let it get the best of you, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to learn some important lessons and really live life… that’s winning, even if life is shorter than we’d hoped or prayed for.  I see this stuff every single day.  Some days, it really bothers me and gets me down.  Why this person or that person?  Why anyone?  Why can’t someone find a cure for this disgusting and cruel disease?  Why should good people, young children, deal with such harsh realities, such devastating illnesses?  Other days, I’m inspired.  I’m grateful.  I’m thankful.  I’m honored.  I’m completely and utterly amazed by the people that deal with this.  I’m challenged.  Challenged to be a better person, to live with intention, to always pay it forward, to love like there’s no tomorrow.  As I sit here tonight thinking of these things, several people are coming into my mind.  Kids, families, friends… people who’ve dealt or are dealing with it, and my sorrows and disappoints seem minimal.   My mind is flooded with thoughts of a better tomorrow.  My sadness and pain feel close in heart, but also far away.  It certainly puts things into perspective.  Always worrying about the future is not doing much for the present.  I know that things will work out for me, for us, in the way that we want them to.  I know that our baby is on his or her way to us as I type this, but I just don’t know when it’ll happen.  That’s an unknown that I can live with.  I wish, with all of my being, that everyone I know and love could know the same with such certain…that the thing they pray for will happen, will work out in the way that they hope, that their greatest dreams will be fulfilled, that there’ll be time to enjoy it, appreciate it, and be with it.

"Have you heard anything yet?"

Seems to be the question on everyone’s mind … have we heard anything?  It’s on our minds, too. The answer is a sad and frustrating, no.  We haven’t heard.  I don’t think we will… The way it often works is that the “potential” adoptive family gets an unexpected call saying they’ve been matched and the baby’s here.  Not always.  Sometimes, people get matched prior to the birth.  If this happens, and if you ask us if we’ve heard, our answer will still be no, we haven’t heard.  Not because we want to lie to you, or shut you out, but because we’re trying to protect ourselves, and the people we love, from potential heartbreak.  You see, even if we’re matched with a birthmother prior to the birth, that woman isn’t actually a “birth mother” yet.  She’s a mother.  She hasn’t signed any papers.  She may end up choosing to parent.  And, if the baby is from PA, and if the “birthmother” signs her rights away at 72 hours (she can’t sign any sooner than 72 hours), she still has a 30 day time period in which she can change her mind and take the baby back.  We don’t like to think about that scenario… we choose to believe that this will never happen, and should it happen, we’ll deal with it then.  But the hard truth is that it COULD happen.  So we’re going to be tight lipped and protective for awhile, until things are “safe”.  All that being said, the absolute truth right now is that we have not gotten a call.  We have not been matched, and we don’t know when it’ll happen.  I’m not opposed to being asked.  I’m ok with talking about it. I actually LIKE talking about it.  But the answer will likely always be the same… no, we haven’t heard.  Chances are, when our answer is different, you’ll know because we’ll have a baby in tow,(what a cool surprise!) or we would have given you a call.  A very excited, over the moon, ridiculously happy phone call.  We hope that we can make that phone call soon.  We pray we can make it soon.  We’re so excited for this to happen.  We long for it to happen.  Waiting is not fun.  It’s sometimes maddening.  Sometimes frustrating.  Sometimes sad.  Feel free to keep asking... we're ok with questions, and some day, our answer just may be the unexpected one.

We went to a “workshop” offered by Open Arms this past week.  It was only for families that are “waiting”.  It was called “The Weight of the Wait”.  It really was more of a supportive forum, or support group, than anything else.  The two people facilitating were employees of Open Arms;  Stefani, our social worker, and Michele, who runs Coffee Talk.  Both of them have adopted.  Both of them endured long, painful waits.  Both of them are parenting children they’ve adopted.  Both of them really, truly get it.  Both of them understand where we’ve been, where we are now, and where we’re praying to be soon.  They understand the stress of waiting.  They did a great job, providing some comfort food and a safe, secure environment to share anything at all.  It was an intense, emotional night, and one that felt good because we were in a room filled with people who all get it and are in the exact same position we are.  Many, but not all of them, struggled with infertility first, before coming to adoption, and so they understand that there was loss involved, and that we all feel like we’ve been waiting much longer than just the time that’s passed since our home study was completed. Stefani said it best when she said that during the wait, she felt like a mother without a baby.  That's how those of us who have lost pregnancies feel.  Like mother's without babies.  Not to discount fathers without babies... they exist, too.   A couple of the people there that night already have children, through adoption, and are waiting for a second child to come into their lives.  But they all understand the stress of the wait; that sometimes, certain days trigger emotions we didn’t know were lurking there, below the surface.  Stefani and Michele shared a few things with us.  This essay is one of them, written by a waiting future dad.

“In the Eye of the Beholder”.  Should I change my shirt?  My hair? My religion?  When you’re waiting to be picked by a birthmother, you question every aspect of yourself.  By Scott Hollowell. 

Is it my hairline?  Should I have worn a different outfit for the picture?  When you’re waiting to be matched with a birthmother, each day that passes without a call makes you question every part of yourself and your life.  You may have had this feeling during fifth grade gym class.  But, back then, even the kids who were picked last were picked within five minutes.  After all, gym class lasts only an hour.  This is more like a police lineup, and the birthmother is behind the two way mirror.  She might see me, but I don’t see her.  All I can see is… me.  And after staring at myself long enough, all I notice are imperfections: My clothes aren’t stylish enough; my skin is marked with blemishes.  Most of all, I see my soul, and I wrestle with the desire to bare it and the fear of revealing too much.  Some days, I wonder if anyone’s even looking at me through the mirror.  The Endless Wait.  I meet others in the lineup.  Some become my friends.  Some of us are reserved, while others cope with the wait by talking about their every thought and feeling.  But unlike those in a police lineup, we aren’t whispering to ourselves “Pick him”.  We are praying “pick me!”  Some leave after a month, others after a week.  “Is that fair?” the rest of us wonder.  “They haven’t served their time yet!”  I know in my heart that they must have been the right parents for a baby- the connection with birthparents is why we chose open adoption, after all- but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.  It only makes me look harder at myself.  Should I submit a different picture?  Are prospective parents rejected because they’re Caucasian?  Because they’re heterosexual?  Or homosexual?  Because someone doesn’t believe in their God?  Or because they don’t believe in someone else’s God?  While the birthmothers’ choices are infinite, I have only one: Wait.  Any Day Now: At some point, we crossed the line- from it could happen any day now to I can’t put my life on hold any longer. So we pass the time like others we’ve met in the pool- in a mix of preparation and insanity.  We have a fully equipped nursery.  Babies-R-Us could practically shoot pictures for its fall catalog at our house.  I know that having the nursery prepared will work in our favor in the long run, especially if we get a last-minute placement, but walking by this room every day makes me wonder if we’ve spent just enough time and money to jinx ourselves.  Life on hold: I’ve learned that it’s nearly impossible to explain the waiting experience to someone who hasn’t gone through it himself.  Our friends and family are universally sympathetic, and they understand our desire to be parents.  What they don’t get is the anxiety involved in calling the adoption agency, yet again, just to see if our profile has been requested by any birthmothers, then hearing, yet again, “Not yet, but keep your spirits up.  Now’s the time to work on things you’ve been meaning to do while you wait.”  I’m waiting for next week’s “Waiting Families” meeting.  I’m waiting for my wife to break down in tears, although I’m afraid I’ll only be able to offer her vague statistics and a reassuring hug.  I’m waiting to share the love that is bottled up inside of me with a son or daughter.  I’m waiting for the phone to ring…

Excerpts reprinted from Adoptive Families Magazine.  Scott Hollowell is a computer consultant who lives with his wife in the Pacific Northwest.  They have been pursuing domestic adoption for the last 10 months.

The Bucket List

Hi all,  Here we are, mid October, and we're working on our Baby Bucket List.  One of the more exciting things on that list was to go see the Lion King on Broadway.  Having seen many shows, but never one on Broadway, I was really excited to do this before our little one arrives.  We did it!  It was such a big deal and very exciting to me!  The pictures above are from our weekend getaway to the Big Apple.  We packed a lot into our two days.  On Saturday, after we arrived, we went to The High Line.  This is an elevated park, built on an old rail line that was used by Freight Trains.  It was elevated to keep the trains away from Pedestrians, mostly for safety reasons.  The last freight used the railway in 1980 to haul cars filled with thousands of frozen turkeys!  Anyway, rather than tear it down, they turned the space into a "park" which is more of a really cool walkway that spans several blocks (like, 15 or so!).  There's benches to sit on, and areas where they host various types of events.  The trail is constructed to allow for plants and other vegetation to grow through it on either side.  It's a really interesting experience to be walking among some beautiful plants and flowers, and right under us is the bustling city!  We went to Central Park after that, and you'll see some pictures of the horse and carriages (we didn't take a ride this time...maybe next time!), and there's a woman playing violin and hola hooping at the same time.  Strange, but true.  We went through Strawberry Fields, the part of the park dedicated to the memory of John Lennon (hence the "Imagine" photo).  Finally, on Sunday we were off to Time Square and The Lion King, which is so beautiful and amazing, I can't adequately describe it.  From the first note, it was mezmorizing.  Completely.  We had excellent seats... row two of the Mezz section, over hanging the Orchestra.  We were so close to the stage, and in the first scene of act one, the opening song, one of the actors was standing in front of us, two rows up, singing and dancing.  Amazing.  The costumes, the colors, the choreography... I have never seen anything like it before.  I am in awe.  What a great thing for us to do to celebrate making it this far and to help us pass the time while we wait.  We're already making lists of things to see and do with our kids, and this is definitely on the list.  It's already been on Broadway for 15 years... When our kids are 7 or 8, it'll still be there.  I can't wait!!

10 months in

Tomorrow marks 10 months of waiting.  The significant event of the past month was renewing all of our clearances.  You may be interested in knowing that neither of us has become a criminal within the past ten months.  We're still ok to become parents.  Crazy, but true.  We've had some ups and downs this month, but overall, we're doing ok.  Sick of this waiting game, but ok none the less.  Our social worker sent us this email a few days ago:

"I did also want to take a second to mention something. Recently, a family who has been waiting almost two years decided to leave the program. They are frustrated and sad that the adoption process has taken so much longer than they expected. I am so sad for them. Sad that it hasn’t happened yet but also sad that they are so close and are choosing to give up. I hear their frustration and understand the feelings of despair. But I also know that families are formed through this process! I know that it often takes much longer than anyone hopes. That our own internal timeline cannot compete with the Universe. I know how painful it is for a woman to make this difficult choice and that it has to be right for her and that does not always match up to a waiting family.

Anyway, I’m sharing this with you because in talking with this other family about their decision I couldn’t stop thinking about the two of you. I know that you heard me during the homestudy process when I said “You could potentially wait 2 years” and that you knew that to be true, but also, deep down, that you hoped it wouldn’t be. I hope you are chosen soon, but if you are not, if you wait much longer than you had expected/hoped/dreamed I hope you will hang in there. I hope you will push through the pain and the sadness and the anger. I hope you will ask for support/help when you need it. I hope you will know that IT WILL happen, just not when you want it to. I hope you will know how we are all pulling for you.

Please never hesitate to reach out and ask for what you need. I will always do my best to be there for you!"

I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this publically, but I am constantly so amazed and blown away by the level of caring that they show to us, and the commitment that they have to helping us get through this.  I don't know how I could NOT share it.  We are so fortunate to have her as our social worker, our cheerleader, our support.  We did let her know that we're not giving up.  We pray that this will not last much longer, that we bring our baby home soon, but we can't imagine giving up and backing out.  If we left the agency, where would we go?  Certainly no place any faster than Open Arms is getting us.  To have to start again, to begin this wait all over again, does not sound like fun.  They're working hard for us, and we're sticking with them.

We had brunch today with some new friends that we met through Open Arms, who're right at about the same point as we are in the wait, maybe a month or two behind us.  They're feeling very much the same as we are... sick of it but determined to stick it out knowing that it'll all be worth it.  It's nice to have someone to experience this with.  It's nice to not be alone. 

The Pear Tree

Well, feeling a bit better today.  See?  This is how it goes.  Up one day, down the next.  I think we need to get used to it.  This is how it goes.  Today we're heading to a free car seat inspection, to make sure the seat is installed correctly and is +safe for the little /*-uy.  We keep thinking there's one more thing that we need to do before we get the call, so maybe, just maybe, this is it.  Could be.  Probably not.  But we'll keep looking for that one last thing, and guess what?  Chances are, there will be something we do before the call that we can say "Ah!  So THAT was it!".  Yup.  We will find something to make ourselves believe we were in control of it all along.  We're also going to a tennis expo tonight with friends.  Another item on the bucket list... spend time with friends, doing things that will be not necessarily impossible, but more difficult with an infant.
Our pear tree is growing like crazy!  Do you remember me mentioning that a co-worker gave us a pear tree in honor of our baby after we lost our pregnancy last summer?  It's called a "Moon Glow" pear tree and it was a little scrawny thing, but so cute and really special.  We planted in the corner of our backyard.  We needed something for that corner, as our Paper Bark Maple tree that we'd planted there the year before didn't make it through the first winter.  So, our empty hole was filled with a tree, to help us deal with our empty arms and the hole in our hearts.  It was great watching that tree really spring to life this year.  It took off, even producing some fruit.  Not any pears that we could eat this year, but they were pretty good looking.  I look at that tree and think it's really symobolic of our life.  We're growing every day, right along with it.
I remember that same co-worker coming to me a month or so later, tears in her eyes, saying that she had something she needed to tell me.  I was so nervous!  I thought she was going to deliver some awful news of some sort.  I work in a Children's Hospital with some mighty sick kids, after all.  But, no.  She said she was worried that I was going to be mad at her (ok, when do I really, really get mad?  Guess she doesn't know me all that well!) and at that point, I guessed it.  She was pregnant.  I just sparred her the anguish of spitting it out, and asked her "Are you pregnant?".  She thought I'd be mad that she's pregnant?  Really?  No, I reassured her.  I may be envious.  I may be mad at my stupid situation.  But, honestly, I could only be happy for her.  A wonderful person, a wonderful gift.  Simple as that.  I was excited and so happy for her.  And, a year later, her 4 month old daughter is a beautiful, perfect little girl that I got the honor of holding not too long ago.  I remember smiling and loving the feel of that little one in my arms.  People at work were worried about it, and came to me afterwards to check in.  So thoughtful.  Yes, I'm so happy for her, and yep, wish it were me, but really, this is good, and I'm ok.  It will be me, bringing my baby in for them to ow and ah over before too long.  I love that pear tree.  It acknowledges what came before, and it's a hopeful reminder that our baby is coming!

Questions, questions, questions...

We're at the point in the process where we need to update our criminal background checks.  Ugh.  That means we've been in this for a year.  Clearances need to be updated every year.  Our medical clearances and homestudy updates will be next. Our references will be after that. I can't believe it's been a year already.  9 months waiting, but a year since we embarked on this wild journey.  I know they told us we could wait two years, but I never imagined it.  I don't think I could imgine it.  Neither of us could.  We'd already tried for so long (or so it seemed) and the thought of having to wait another two years seemed impossible and unrealistic. We were sure to be picked quickly. But here we are... living the never ending wait, the impossible dream.  We go over it and over it in our minds.  Probably I go over it more than Brian, but he's living it too.  He's ready to be finished with this chapter and into the next, much more satisfying, exciting, and meaningful chapter.  This is the point where I start to question every choice we've made, every step we've taken.  This is where, though I know it's pointless, I start to regret every choice we've made.  Did we say the right things?  Did we really portray who we are to the best of our ability?  Did we make good, strong, sound decisions about our family and what our family will look like one day?  Are we open enough?  Selfless enough?  This is where I start to get mad at the circumstances that are beyond all of our control.  This is where I get mad that I can't control my outlook and my attitude, to keep it the positive, focused, and thankful attitude that I want to have.  This is where I  try to remind myself that I do get down about it and question things for a while, but then I bounce back and am ready to face the next day with confidence and excitement.  This is where it's hard to look at the Bucket list and smile, where it's hard to look forward to doing all of those things and make the most of the time we've got with just the two of us.  It' a day.  A moment in time.  It's ok to not feel good all the time.  I can still be proud of how we're handling this.  I want to look back on this time, once it's passed by, and feel like we did it really, really well.  There were a few events this past week.  One was Coffee Talk, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, where we (meaning adoptive families in all phases of the process) gather for dinner and conversation, companionship, and understanding. The other was a seminar on "Living as a Multicultural Family".   As much as I feel like these people get it more than anyone else, there are still distinguishing differences between us, and sometimes those differences make me continue to feel alone.  Maybe the difference is that someone gave birth once and is a biological parent, now turning to adoption to grow their family.  They get it, but not totally, because they are parenting now, and did so on their own. Maybe they've adopted already and are adopting again.  Well, the wait feels different to them than it does to me, right?  Because I'm questioning whether or not it's ever going to happen, and for them, they're wondering if it's going to happen again.  Maybe someone was in our position and yet only waited for 2 months.  They don't get what it's like to go through so much and then wait for over 9 months (and counting). So, it's tough.  At Coffee Talk this week, though, I found someone who's circumstances mirror our own more than anyone else we've met to date.  She and her husband went through fertility issues (not sure if she lost pregnancies or not, but that doesn't even matter too much) and made similiar decisions about their adoption as we have, and so they wait.  And they feel alone.  Brian and I spent hours and hours talking about what would be right for our family,and why, and we made choices based on that.  Talking about those choices with other people is like talking about your finances.  You don't do it.  It's private for a variety of reasons.  It's incredibly complex.  It's stressful.  It's not just about loving a baby.  I know that Brian and I are capable and willing to love any baby out there.  But the story doesn't end there.  There's a responsiblity (and a burden, as someone from our agency recently said) that we have to make sure our child grows up strong and secure in who he/she is, surrounded by every aspect of their culture, ethnicity, and race.  Emersed in it, to an extent, so that they are equipted to deal with whatever life throws at them.  I could be more specific, but I'm not going to be because I could go on and on about this topic.  While we are very open, we did make choices that are most likely responsible for keeping us in the waiting phase longer than we otherwise might have been.  It's very difficult for me, knowing that one choice or another could end this wait.  The very needy and selfish part of me wants to go back and make a new decision.  The confident, selfless part of me knows what we're realistically able to do for our child, and do well, and knows that we made selfless decisions even if they, at times, feel selfish.  It's such a head game at times... convincing ourselves of one thing or another.   Guess you could say we've made our first parenting decisions, and they weren't fun.  They were tiring, trying, painful, confusing, complex, and scary.  They were also right, even when they feel so wrong.  Welcome to parenthood, huh?  From what I hear, I'm not done questioning the choices I've made or myself, questioning our ability to parent and wondering if we're doing it right.  So, we just have to do the best we can to make the best choices possible.  And, as everyone at Open Arms likes to say so often, when we have our little baby in our arms and in our hearts, it's all going to make sense.  Every last bit of it. 

Parenthood

Anyone out there watch the show "Parenthood"?  I love that show!  I've loved it since it came on the air three or four seasons ago.  It's high drama, which I love so long as it's not a part of my real life.  I, in fact, do not like drama.  But, apparently, I love to watch it.  The show is very well done.   The actors and actresses do a great job. The characters are all likable and believable.  They're a family that fights like real families fight.  They fight with all that they've got, they hurt each other, they eventually apologize and move on, work things out, do what they need to do.  But, it's believable.  They love deeply, passionately.  They care about each other, they enjoy spending time together.  The show deals with some really tough topics.  I don't know many families that deal with SO MANY big issues, but this is TV, afterall, and the show must go on.  So, new issues are constantly cropping up.  They've tackled such things as infidelity, racism, interracial relationships, Asperbergers, drugs, alchohol, addiction, unemployment, relationships and age differences, etc.  Well, I'm sure by now, even if you don't watch the show, you're probably guessing why I'm bringing this up and what the latest storyline entails.  You got it!  Infertility and adoption.  At first, I was thrilled that they were talking about infertility.  I thought maybe they'd get it right.  They did pretty well, actually, though I felt it wasn't given nearly enough time and attention, because I know what a long, drawn out process anything involving a person's fertilty can be.  But, whatever.  They didn't make it out to be an easy fix.  Now, we move on to adoption (remember, I just mentioned that it wasn't an easy fix... it wasn't resolved).  So, I'm not going to be the person involved in adoption who stands up on my soap box and goes on and on about anything and everything adoption.  I'm not going to make my life all about it... it's one aspect of my life.  I'm not the adoption advocate who's out there criticizing the highway department because they throw out the concept of adoption in such inappropriate ways ("Adopt a highway"... like I'm going to parent that!), or doing the same with animal protection/advocacy groups ("Adopt a Panda").  I'm not watching movies and programs and finding fault all the time with how they portray adoption.  But, because I love Parenthood, and I'm afraid I'm about to be seriously disappointed in the writers on this one, I feel the need to discuss the storyline that's just getting underway, in the wrong way, about adoption.  Damn you, Parenthood, for disappointing!  Anyway, the story is just beginning.  At the end of last season, characters Julia and Joel, realizing that they want to expand their family but can't do it in a biological way, decide they'd like to adopt.  Fast forward to the first episode of the next season.  Julia and Joel haven't had any "interviews".  This is one way that some agencies do match birth and adoptive families together.  I have a friend who's going down the domestic adoption route as well, and she's using a different agency.  They do set up "interviews" between the birth family and the prospective adoptive family.  Oh, how thankful am I that we don't have to go through that?  I'd be a complete and total wreck each time and we would truly never become parents!  Anyway, back to Julia and Joel.  In this next episode, they're trying to become more intersting and attractive to birth parents and they're putting together a video profile in which Julia is saying that they are cool and have Lady Gaga's music in their home.  Then, fast forward and hour or so and she's at her office (she's a Lawyer) and she goes to the coffee cart to get a Latte, and she asks the young girl behind the counter (probably a Lady Gaga fan), who does not look pregnant to me, if she's pregnant.  A lot of inappropriate behavior follows, and ends with the girl telling Julia she is pregnant, but she's not "keeping it".  Really?  Surprise surprise.  We could see that coming from a mile away.  As the show goes on, Julia says more than once to family and friends that "Latte Girl" is pregnant and that she wants to "buy" the baby.  Ok, given that the character of Julia is not always appropriate, it might make sense that she'd say these incredibly stupid things, but how nice would it be if the writers of this show could get it right?  They're going to need to back up a bit, and I don't really see that happening (now, I didn't see this week's episode yet, so if any of you watch it, maybe there's something going on that I dont' know about yet, so forgive me if I ramble about things that I shouldn't ramble about).  First of all, "Latte Girl" has a name.  She's a person.  She has a story.  She's likely in pain, about to make the most difficult and courageous decision of her life.  If "Latte Girl" were real, and there are a lot of "Latte Girls" out there, she likely wouldn't be so flip about it, as if she doesn't care about that baby.  We know by now that most birth parents, if not all, are deeply in love with and deeply committed to their unborn children, and that's the reason they make an adoption plan.  They're not "giving them up".  They're doing the opposite.  They are planning for that child's future.  They're making the ultimate sacrifice for that baby.  When people make the conscious decision to get pregnant and have a baby, aren't they doing it out of selfishness?  I was when I was trying.  We wanted a baby.  We want a family.  We were thinking of ourselves first, though we know that the baby that becomes ours will have the best life we can possibly offer that child, and everything will become about him/her.  However, the first choice we made: to get pregnant and have a baby, was not for the baby's sake, but for ours.  That doesn't make us bad people.  That makes us human.  Just like everyone else.  I supposed our decision to adopt is just as selfish.  We're not doing it to give a poor needy child a home.  We're doing it because we want a baby.  After our need is met, we'll then pour our entire selves into meeting the needs of that baby.  Our first decision about our family is a selfish one.  No doubt.  But, think about the birth mother.  Her first decision was not to intentionally get pregnant.  People may argue that she was selfish not to prevent pregnancy, and though I don't agree, we could understand that thought, but we can't change it.  Her decision to place her child for adoption, to make an adoption plan, for her baby is the most unselfish act one person can do for another.  I'd like the writers of Parenthood to recognize this in some way on the show.  I want them to educate Julia.  By the time we were putting our profile together, we'd had lots of education through our agency and we knew so much about it.  We knew that we weren't "buying" a baby.  Yes, adoption is expensive, but we're not "buying" the baby.  Do people who give birth "buy" their babies?  They pay the hospital.  They pay for their benefits and then the insurance company pays the hospital.  A lot of money.  No. People pay for a service.  They pay for the doctor to deliver the baby.  They pay for the medications and other medical care they're getting.  They are not paying for the baby.  That's true in adoption as well.  We're paying for a service.  We're paying for our Criminal background clearances.  We're paying for our homestudy and the work our social workers put into writing up the reports and approving us.  We pay for the seminars and workshops that we attend.  We'll pay for a lawyer to help us with the legal aspects of adoption.  We are not paying for the baby.  Babies are not to be bought and sold.  So, please, give Julia the right language.  Help educate not only her, but the thousands of people who tune into the show each week and may or may not be familiar with what birth families and adoptive families are going through.  It's a really difficult road.  Don't make us look like insenstive idiots along the way.  Chances are, while we're waiting for our biggest heart's desire, we're questioning ourselves and our capability, our choices and our entire lives enough on our own, without the help of the media or anyone else.

+9 months and counting.../

I did what I had to do. Instead of using ovulation test kits or pregnancy tests, we did paperwork.  Instead of talking to an OB/GYN, we had home visits with our social worker. We did have monthly check ups.   They were workshops and classes that Brian and I took together, learning about all aspects of becoming a family through adoption.  I certainly ate enough for two (stress will do that to you) and put on more than my share of "baby weight".  We prepared and found a pediatrician, found a day care, and started planning out the nursery.  Month after month, there was something to do.  I've talked to my benefits department and my bosses, so that I can take my "maternity leave" when the baby comes.  And yet, the kid is about to be overdue.  Today marks 9 months of waiting, though we've been in this much longer than that.  This is THE longest pregnancy ever!  I'm not crying today.  I'm contemplating. I've read so much about people being so down and depressed at this point in the wait.  I'm not.  I'm not happy about it, mind you, but I'm still standing.  I saw yesterday that yet another family from Open Arms has adopted.  Seems like most of the people up on that website of theirs came after us, or close to the same time as us.  It's a good thing... means they're busy and they're placing babies.  Maybe we're next.  I wish more than anything this would happen now, (as in RIGHT now!) but I guess it's not.  I'm willing that darn phone to ring. Please ring!  Please... 
We're going to dinner and a movie tonight.  Part of the bucket list... do the things that might be hard once the little one comes.  We bought our tickets for The Lion King.  We're moving forward with it. 

Open Arms Picnic

  Today we went to a picnic hosted by Open Arms.  We've been to one that they had before, and it was really nice.  This one was no different, except that Mary, Dave, and Stacey came with us.  It was super nice to have some family with us.  I wanted them to come to keep them in the loop, have them feel included in our process, and to just simply see what it is we're doing, see who we're seeing, and feel a part of it in some small way.  It was great having some of the staff that have helped us get this far meet part of our family as well (SEE?  We have SO much to offer a baby!!  As if they didn't already know that...).  I was a bit apprehensive about how it would feel to be there.  We're approaching the 9 month wait mark.  Several people have adopted recently- people who are not us.  One couple in particular I was excited to see, and feeling some dread at the idea of seeing them.  They've recently adopted, and they were behind us in the process.  I was sad/frustrated/jealous/angry when I heard they'd adopted, and I thought those negative feelings had passed but wasn't sure what I'd discover when I actually saw them and saw their baby.  I'm super happy (and relieved) to report that though I did feel some envy, I also was genuinely happy to see them, meet their adorable son, and hear their touching story.  I felt excited for them.  Thank God.  It felt sort of hopeful to be there.  Maybe even inspiring in a way.  It's complicated.  The emotions are, and probably always will be, mixed, but as long as the positive emotions come out on top, I'm happy.  Our social worker wasn't there at first.  She was apparently with a birth mother who was delivering, or had just delivered, a baby at some point this weekend.  (Yes, Brian and I looked at each other with a hopeful glance.  Could she be with OUR baby right now?  We doubt it, but it's possible, right?).  When she did come, we had a quick but nice chat.  She said something very interesting to me.  First, I told her about my intentional attitude change.  I told her that I'm NOT letting the wait weigh me down anymore.  That I'm purposefully transforming the wait from a time of despair and sadness into a productive, exciting time.  No, I didn't really tell her that in those words, but I did tell her that I'm not letting the weight get the better of me, that we're ok and doing well.  She was getting ready to run off and make her rounds before she returned to the hospital, and she hugged me and said "I just want you to know that everything's good".  Hmmm... how to interpret that?  At first, I thought she was just being her usual optimistic and encouraging self.  She's very good at trying to pick us up, and keep us up.  She acknowledges the difficulty of this process while keeping us focused on the postive outcome.  But, there was something in the way she said "I want you to know that everything is good"  (Or was there?  Not sure)  I started to hear something else there.  Then, she said "I've gotten lots of really good feedback on your profile.  Just people haven't followed through.".  So, the way I interpreted it, I think there's been some potential birth families who've looked at, and liked, our profile, but in the end decided to parent rather than make an adoption plan for their babies.  I'm interpreting that as meaning that we might have been picked, had someone decided make that adoption plan.  You can always find meaning in people's words, whether or not that meaning is really there.  Brian and I started to process what she meant on the way home from the picnic.  He brought up a good point in that they (meaning Open Arms staff) try really hard not to give anyone false hope.  They're very good at being supportive, yet truthful, and they tend to air on the side of caution.  They say it like it is, not sugar coating any of it, so that we're prepared for anything, even a long, painful wait.  So, to tell me that everything is really good, was Stefani telling us something else? Does she know something that we don't yet know, but will find out about soon?  Was she trying to give us a message... "don't stress, it's about to happen"?  After talking it all through, we decided that no, she wasn't telling us something without telling us.  She was simply being encouraging, letting us know that we haven't been chosen, not because we're not good enough or not because people don't like us, but because it hasn't been right for the birth families.  She was giving us hope, something to hold on to, without it being false hope.  Our profile is good.  People are seeing us.  We'll get there.  Maybe before two years is up.  Maybe soon?  We can't read into what she says.  She does say it like it is.  I appreciate that.  So, the roller coaster ride continues on.  Just when we decide we're going to have this tough, positive attitude, we're brought back down to reality.  This is an emotional ride, and we'll have positive days, and days that feel tough.  One word, or statement from someone can change the way we're feeling in that moment and make us start to question things, hope for things, and feel it in a different, more more intense way than we had before.  It's just how it is, and we can deal with that.  We just have to work harder to get ourselves back in to the preferred state of mind so that we can make our way through tomorrow and the next day. Overall, I think I feel good about what Stefani said, and we also heard from another staff member that they've been really busy lately, and that they've done a lot more outreach, getting themselves out into other communities that they haven't been in before.  Like it or not, today the adoption feels right around the corner.  I wish the block wasn't so darn long!  I'm eager to get around that corner!!

Baby Bucket List

O.K, it's time to make this wait an exciting adventure and an opportunity rather than thinking of it as time ticking away and us being without... no more marking time by sad anniversaries.  We'll still mark time, of course, because each day that passes, we're one day closer to our baby and it's one more day we've successfully navigated our way through.  Someone I know who recently gave birth set up a "baby bucket list" of things she wanted to do before the baby was born that would be difficult or impossible to do once the baby was here.  We've spent a lot of time preparing... taking our classes and workshops through Open Arms, gaining support and friendship through Open Arms, finding a day care and a pediatrician, collecting the essential baby stuff, getting the van, etc.  We've filled our time with Ruby, training her and helping her become a "good citizen" as best we can before the baby comes.  Now, it's time to focus on us for whatever length of time we've got left as a couple without children.  So here goes.  Here's the beginning of my baby bucket list.  Some are practical things, some are fun things, some are things that we'll still do with the baby, but it might not be quite as easy or quite as simple.  For those of you who have kids, think back and tell me what you wish you had done before you had kids?  Help us create a fun list, and feel free to join in on any that you find interesting.  I'm making it my mission to do as many of these things as we end up having time for... since we don't know how long we've got to dive into the list, we can make it as long as we want.

• Sleep late as often as possible (VERY high priority!)
• Read... spend whole days or a whole weekends on the couch with a good books.
• Explore as many of the hiking trails in Valley Forge as we can (we started this one today.  Had a really nice hike there with Ruby and Brian)
• Clean and organize the basement... I also have a head start on this.  Worked on it during hurricane Irene.
• Go to NYC for the weekend, see The Lion King on Broadway.
• Re-do our bedroom... paint, bedding, curtains, accessories.
• Go to lots of movies.
• Try out new restaurants.
• Go to tons of concerts/shows in and around Philly.
• Scrapbook with the girls.
• Take a spontaneous trip someplace for a weekend.  This means that Brian can't research it too much ahead of time, that we need to really just pick up and go.  This will be challenging... he's a planner!
• Have some dinner parties... invite friends and/or family over more often.
• Go to Phillies and Reading Phillies games.
• Kayak on the canal.

What else?  I'm sure this list is by no means complete!  It's nice to be thinking of the positive rather than focusing on the negative for a change.  I've been ok... I think I have "moments" but am pretty good at standing up, shaking myself off, and moving on.  Last month was hard... a combination of passing the anniversary of the miscarriage, having a "near miss" with a baby, crossing over the 8 month wait mark, and having one of our adoption cohort friends adopt a baby.  That stuff together really stunk!   Brian's done better than me.  He seems pretty good most of the time, and he's wonderfully supportive of me when I'm in a mood or having a moment.  I think he's going to be happy to focus on this bucket list rather than what else we have to do to prepare for the baby, or how to get through a difficult patch.  Thanks to all of you out there who have been so sweet and supportive along the way, too.  Your caring means more to us that you'll ever, ever know.