One year, Come and Gone

Hard to believe a year has passed since we began the "wait".  I didn't think we'd mark this anniversary.  As true as it is that they told us we could possibly wait two years, we never really believed we'd wait even this long.  We had met too many people who'd adopted much faster than this.  We met people who told us "it usually happens much faster than that for people".  We chose to listen to that, while in the back of our minds we knew it was possible.  Just not likely.  And yet, here we are on the one year anniversary of our home study being approved and our profile going "live".  Things just don't always work out in the way that we'd like them to.  We've heard it all... "your baby will find you", "it'll all make sense", "right baby, right time", "it'll happen when it's meant to happen".  Yeah, we know all that and on some level, we believe it, but it just doesn't help to force ourselves to think those things, and it certainly doesn't help to hear it.  After all, is our baby really out there looking for us?  Why doesn't it make sense for us to adopt the next one that comes along?  Why isn't this baby right for us rather than that one?  WHY isn't it meant to happen now, when we're so very, very ready?  Sometimes things happen that put things into perspective, and I question why aren't things in perspective in the first place?  Why do I need something bigger, more challening, or more tragic than this to put my own life and circumstance into perspective?  You know, I feel grateful.  Believe it or not, I've had more than one person offer to "help" us have a biological child, in a different way than we've tried so far.  I've had offers for sperm and for wombs.  I'm laughing as I say this, because it makes me smile to think about the genuine love and caring that goes into someone actually offering that to us, but as much as that offer means, we're beyond it.  We're not hoping for a biological child anymore because it just doesn't matter.  What matters is that we've got a ton of love to give and we just want to be Mommy and Daddy and openly and freely give that love away to our child.  It doesn't matter how that happens anymore.  It stopped mattering last year, in fact.  I feel honored to be able to be a part of the adoption world.  I feel grateful for the people that have come into our lives because of it.  It's a gift that we're being given, and a gift that we can give.  But that doesn't make the longing any less, or the frustration go away while we wait.  It's not up to us to decide when.  Someone else gets to decide that, and we must be patient, as much as we hate that.  We knew about a potential situation recently where a birth mother was looking at our profile.  It was a tough time, because we had to decide if we wanted her to see our profile. There were some circumstances in her history that we weren't 100% comfortable with.  We spent a lot of time talking to our social worker about it, time figuring out our comfort level with it, more time waiting to hear her choice once we became comfortable with it, and then the most time trying to understand why we weren't chosen.  We eventually realized that this in fact was not a situation for us, and that things worked out as they should have.  But what a roller coaster it was!  Shortly after that, we had to update our homestudy.  Our social worker had to come visit, ask a bunch of questions, update some paperwork, etc.  We spent a lot of time talking about how things are going, she reminded us of some things to consider once we get the call, and overall, she was just checking up on us.  So, it's been a busy month, and a busy year.  We were at Coffee Talk the other day and people were talking about the holidays, what it's like to wait during the holidays, and how difficult it is.  I sort of felt like an odd ball because I don't find it more difficult during the holidays.  I welcome them, because it's so busy and our minds are occupied.  Not to say that we wouldn't welcome the call right now, so our holidays can be filled with the gifts of dirty diapers and midnight feedings, but since that doesn't seem to be happening, we need to keep ourselves as busy as we can.  Filling that time with family, friends, chaos, and more chaos is perfect for us.  It's a great time to reflect on what has been and look forward to what's ahead.  I do believe that 2012 is going to be a year of such astounding blessings I can't begin to imagine it.  A friend of mine from highschool looked for and counted 1,000 blessings in 2012.  Her list is not complete yet, but I really look forward to reading her facebook posts that list her daily blessings.  I hope to start focusing my life in that way... focusing on what gifts are set before me each and every day, in the ordinary goings on around me, and maybe among those ordinarly gifts will be the extraordinary.

Blogging Frustration OVER!

I got it figured out, so if you missed the mess, you're thinking I'm crazy now.  I am.  I admit it.  But I'm a happier crazy.  I'll update you on the past month tomorrow!

Blogging frustration

ok, well last month I decided to mess around with my blog.  Wanted to change the layout a little bit, but not the entire look of it.  It changed the entire look of it and I haven't been able to retrieve the old one!  I've also had trouble simply figuring out how to actually post a new blog. I know there was one that I'd tried to post, and it didn't end up there.  So, this that I'm writing right now is an experiment.  If there's any blogging experts out there who know how to help with this, please let me know!  Meanwhile, if this goes through and gets published successfully, I'll have more to say tomorrow.  Wish me luck!  If you're reading this, though... I obviously don't need luck!

Strength of Spirit

I’m constantly surrounded by people who amaze me.  I stand in awe, most of the time, of people and the strength of spirit that they possess.  I’m asked, more than I can say, how I do what I do.  Parents ask me.  Inquisitive people ask me.  They think I’m special because I work with sick kids.  I think I’m fortunate to have the opportunity to work with sick kids.  It doesn’t really take a special person to do what I do.  It’s not for everyone, but neither is engineering, teaching, coaching, retail, etc.  Everyone has their thing.  But, while I’m busy doing “my thing”, I see strength and courage and unbelievable spirit.  The thing is, these are ordinary people doing extraordinary things because they have to, not because they want to.  They don’t choose illness.  It chooses them, or it’s chosen for them, depending on your belief system.  They’re just doing what they need to do to get through it.  What other option is there?  There’s always another option, I suppose.  They could sit in a corner and rock back and forth, as I’m sure they’d like to do sometimes.  They can give up and just let illness rule their lives.  Or they can fight back, and not allow it to determine the way they live their lives in general.  They usually choose to fight it out.  I’ve come to see, very clearly, that if someone dies from their disease, that they have not “lost” the fight as we so often hear people say.  They fought and lost.  No.  I don’t believe this.  There’s no losing here, even if cancer takes over...even if it takes control.  I think the way that person lived their life, with cancer, or in spite of cancer, says so much.  To keep on going, to not let it get the best of you, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to learn some important lessons and really live life… that’s winning, even if life is shorter than we’d hoped or prayed for.  I see this stuff every single day.  Some days, it really bothers me and gets me down.  Why this person or that person?  Why anyone?  Why can’t someone find a cure for this disgusting and cruel disease?  Why should good people, young children, deal with such harsh realities, such devastating illnesses?  Other days, I’m inspired.  I’m grateful.  I’m thankful.  I’m honored.  I’m completely and utterly amazed by the people that deal with this.  I’m challenged.  Challenged to be a better person, to live with intention, to always pay it forward, to love like there’s no tomorrow.  As I sit here tonight thinking of these things, several people are coming into my mind.  Kids, families, friends… people who’ve dealt or are dealing with it, and my sorrows and disappoints seem minimal.   My mind is flooded with thoughts of a better tomorrow.  My sadness and pain feel close in heart, but also far away.  It certainly puts things into perspective.  Always worrying about the future is not doing much for the present.  I know that things will work out for me, for us, in the way that we want them to.  I know that our baby is on his or her way to us as I type this, but I just don’t know when it’ll happen.  That’s an unknown that I can live with.  I wish, with all of my being, that everyone I know and love could know the same with such certain…that the thing they pray for will happen, will work out in the way that they hope, that their greatest dreams will be fulfilled, that there’ll be time to enjoy it, appreciate it, and be with it.

"Have you heard anything yet?"

Seems to be the question on everyone’s mind … have we heard anything?  It’s on our minds, too. The answer is a sad and frustrating, no.  We haven’t heard.  I don’t think we will… The way it often works is that the “potential” adoptive family gets an unexpected call saying they’ve been matched and the baby’s here.  Not always.  Sometimes, people get matched prior to the birth.  If this happens, and if you ask us if we’ve heard, our answer will still be no, we haven’t heard.  Not because we want to lie to you, or shut you out, but because we’re trying to protect ourselves, and the people we love, from potential heartbreak.  You see, even if we’re matched with a birthmother prior to the birth, that woman isn’t actually a “birth mother” yet.  She’s a mother.  She hasn’t signed any papers.  She may end up choosing to parent.  And, if the baby is from PA, and if the “birthmother” signs her rights away at 72 hours (she can’t sign any sooner than 72 hours), she still has a 30 day time period in which she can change her mind and take the baby back.  We don’t like to think about that scenario… we choose to believe that this will never happen, and should it happen, we’ll deal with it then.  But the hard truth is that it COULD happen.  So we’re going to be tight lipped and protective for awhile, until things are “safe”.  All that being said, the absolute truth right now is that we have not gotten a call.  We have not been matched, and we don’t know when it’ll happen.  I’m not opposed to being asked.  I’m ok with talking about it. I actually LIKE talking about it.  But the answer will likely always be the same… no, we haven’t heard.  Chances are, when our answer is different, you’ll know because we’ll have a baby in tow,(what a cool surprise!) or we would have given you a call.  A very excited, over the moon, ridiculously happy phone call.  We hope that we can make that phone call soon.  We pray we can make it soon.  We’re so excited for this to happen.  We long for it to happen.  Waiting is not fun.  It’s sometimes maddening.  Sometimes frustrating.  Sometimes sad.  Feel free to keep asking... we're ok with questions, and some day, our answer just may be the unexpected one.

We went to a “workshop” offered by Open Arms this past week.  It was only for families that are “waiting”.  It was called “The Weight of the Wait”.  It really was more of a supportive forum, or support group, than anything else.  The two people facilitating were employees of Open Arms;  Stefani, our social worker, and Michele, who runs Coffee Talk.  Both of them have adopted.  Both of them endured long, painful waits.  Both of them are parenting children they’ve adopted.  Both of them really, truly get it.  Both of them understand where we’ve been, where we are now, and where we’re praying to be soon.  They understand the stress of waiting.  They did a great job, providing some comfort food and a safe, secure environment to share anything at all.  It was an intense, emotional night, and one that felt good because we were in a room filled with people who all get it and are in the exact same position we are.  Many, but not all of them, struggled with infertility first, before coming to adoption, and so they understand that there was loss involved, and that we all feel like we’ve been waiting much longer than just the time that’s passed since our home study was completed. Stefani said it best when she said that during the wait, she felt like a mother without a baby.  That's how those of us who have lost pregnancies feel.  Like mother's without babies.  Not to discount fathers without babies... they exist, too.   A couple of the people there that night already have children, through adoption, and are waiting for a second child to come into their lives.  But they all understand the stress of the wait; that sometimes, certain days trigger emotions we didn’t know were lurking there, below the surface.  Stefani and Michele shared a few things with us.  This essay is one of them, written by a waiting future dad.

“In the Eye of the Beholder”.  Should I change my shirt?  My hair? My religion?  When you’re waiting to be picked by a birthmother, you question every aspect of yourself.  By Scott Hollowell. 

Is it my hairline?  Should I have worn a different outfit for the picture?  When you’re waiting to be matched with a birthmother, each day that passes without a call makes you question every part of yourself and your life.  You may have had this feeling during fifth grade gym class.  But, back then, even the kids who were picked last were picked within five minutes.  After all, gym class lasts only an hour.  This is more like a police lineup, and the birthmother is behind the two way mirror.  She might see me, but I don’t see her.  All I can see is… me.  And after staring at myself long enough, all I notice are imperfections: My clothes aren’t stylish enough; my skin is marked with blemishes.  Most of all, I see my soul, and I wrestle with the desire to bare it and the fear of revealing too much.  Some days, I wonder if anyone’s even looking at me through the mirror.  The Endless Wait.  I meet others in the lineup.  Some become my friends.  Some of us are reserved, while others cope with the wait by talking about their every thought and feeling.  But unlike those in a police lineup, we aren’t whispering to ourselves “Pick him”.  We are praying “pick me!”  Some leave after a month, others after a week.  “Is that fair?” the rest of us wonder.  “They haven’t served their time yet!”  I know in my heart that they must have been the right parents for a baby- the connection with birthparents is why we chose open adoption, after all- but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.  It only makes me look harder at myself.  Should I submit a different picture?  Are prospective parents rejected because they’re Caucasian?  Because they’re heterosexual?  Or homosexual?  Because someone doesn’t believe in their God?  Or because they don’t believe in someone else’s God?  While the birthmothers’ choices are infinite, I have only one: Wait.  Any Day Now: At some point, we crossed the line- from it could happen any day now to I can’t put my life on hold any longer. So we pass the time like others we’ve met in the pool- in a mix of preparation and insanity.  We have a fully equipped nursery.  Babies-R-Us could practically shoot pictures for its fall catalog at our house.  I know that having the nursery prepared will work in our favor in the long run, especially if we get a last-minute placement, but walking by this room every day makes me wonder if we’ve spent just enough time and money to jinx ourselves.  Life on hold: I’ve learned that it’s nearly impossible to explain the waiting experience to someone who hasn’t gone through it himself.  Our friends and family are universally sympathetic, and they understand our desire to be parents.  What they don’t get is the anxiety involved in calling the adoption agency, yet again, just to see if our profile has been requested by any birthmothers, then hearing, yet again, “Not yet, but keep your spirits up.  Now’s the time to work on things you’ve been meaning to do while you wait.”  I’m waiting for next week’s “Waiting Families” meeting.  I’m waiting for my wife to break down in tears, although I’m afraid I’ll only be able to offer her vague statistics and a reassuring hug.  I’m waiting to share the love that is bottled up inside of me with a son or daughter.  I’m waiting for the phone to ring…

Excerpts reprinted from Adoptive Families Magazine.  Scott Hollowell is a computer consultant who lives with his wife in the Pacific Northwest.  They have been pursuing domestic adoption for the last 10 months.

The Bucket List

Hi all,  Here we are, mid October, and we're working on our Baby Bucket List.  One of the more exciting things on that list was to go see the Lion King on Broadway.  Having seen many shows, but never one on Broadway, I was really excited to do this before our little one arrives.  We did it!  It was such a big deal and very exciting to me!  The pictures above are from our weekend getaway to the Big Apple.  We packed a lot into our two days.  On Saturday, after we arrived, we went to The High Line.  This is an elevated park, built on an old rail line that was used by Freight Trains.  It was elevated to keep the trains away from Pedestrians, mostly for safety reasons.  The last freight used the railway in 1980 to haul cars filled with thousands of frozen turkeys!  Anyway, rather than tear it down, they turned the space into a "park" which is more of a really cool walkway that spans several blocks (like, 15 or so!).  There's benches to sit on, and areas where they host various types of events.  The trail is constructed to allow for plants and other vegetation to grow through it on either side.  It's a really interesting experience to be walking among some beautiful plants and flowers, and right under us is the bustling city!  We went to Central Park after that, and you'll see some pictures of the horse and carriages (we didn't take a ride this time...maybe next time!), and there's a woman playing violin and hola hooping at the same time.  Strange, but true.  We went through Strawberry Fields, the part of the park dedicated to the memory of John Lennon (hence the "Imagine" photo).  Finally, on Sunday we were off to Time Square and The Lion King, which is so beautiful and amazing, I can't adequately describe it.  From the first note, it was mezmorizing.  Completely.  We had excellent seats... row two of the Mezz section, over hanging the Orchestra.  We were so close to the stage, and in the first scene of act one, the opening song, one of the actors was standing in front of us, two rows up, singing and dancing.  Amazing.  The costumes, the colors, the choreography... I have never seen anything like it before.  I am in awe.  What a great thing for us to do to celebrate making it this far and to help us pass the time while we wait.  We're already making lists of things to see and do with our kids, and this is definitely on the list.  It's already been on Broadway for 15 years... When our kids are 7 or 8, it'll still be there.  I can't wait!!

10 months in

Tomorrow marks 10 months of waiting.  The significant event of the past month was renewing all of our clearances.  You may be interested in knowing that neither of us has become a criminal within the past ten months.  We're still ok to become parents.  Crazy, but true.  We've had some ups and downs this month, but overall, we're doing ok.  Sick of this waiting game, but ok none the less.  Our social worker sent us this email a few days ago:

"I did also want to take a second to mention something. Recently, a family who has been waiting almost two years decided to leave the program. They are frustrated and sad that the adoption process has taken so much longer than they expected. I am so sad for them. Sad that it hasn’t happened yet but also sad that they are so close and are choosing to give up. I hear their frustration and understand the feelings of despair. But I also know that families are formed through this process! I know that it often takes much longer than anyone hopes. That our own internal timeline cannot compete with the Universe. I know how painful it is for a woman to make this difficult choice and that it has to be right for her and that does not always match up to a waiting family.

Anyway, I’m sharing this with you because in talking with this other family about their decision I couldn’t stop thinking about the two of you. I know that you heard me during the homestudy process when I said “You could potentially wait 2 years” and that you knew that to be true, but also, deep down, that you hoped it wouldn’t be. I hope you are chosen soon, but if you are not, if you wait much longer than you had expected/hoped/dreamed I hope you will hang in there. I hope you will push through the pain and the sadness and the anger. I hope you will ask for support/help when you need it. I hope you will know that IT WILL happen, just not when you want it to. I hope you will know how we are all pulling for you.

Please never hesitate to reach out and ask for what you need. I will always do my best to be there for you!"

I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this publically, but I am constantly so amazed and blown away by the level of caring that they show to us, and the commitment that they have to helping us get through this.  I don't know how I could NOT share it.  We are so fortunate to have her as our social worker, our cheerleader, our support.  We did let her know that we're not giving up.  We pray that this will not last much longer, that we bring our baby home soon, but we can't imagine giving up and backing out.  If we left the agency, where would we go?  Certainly no place any faster than Open Arms is getting us.  To have to start again, to begin this wait all over again, does not sound like fun.  They're working hard for us, and we're sticking with them.

We had brunch today with some new friends that we met through Open Arms, who're right at about the same point as we are in the wait, maybe a month or two behind us.  They're feeling very much the same as we are... sick of it but determined to stick it out knowing that it'll all be worth it.  It's nice to have someone to experience this with.  It's nice to not be alone. 

The Pear Tree

Well, feeling a bit better today.  See?  This is how it goes.  Up one day, down the next.  I think we need to get used to it.  This is how it goes.  Today we're heading to a free car seat inspection, to make sure the seat is installed correctly and is +safe for the little /*-uy.  We keep thinking there's one more thing that we need to do before we get the call, so maybe, just maybe, this is it.  Could be.  Probably not.  But we'll keep looking for that one last thing, and guess what?  Chances are, there will be something we do before the call that we can say "Ah!  So THAT was it!".  Yup.  We will find something to make ourselves believe we were in control of it all along.  We're also going to a tennis expo tonight with friends.  Another item on the bucket list... spend time with friends, doing things that will be not necessarily impossible, but more difficult with an infant.
Our pear tree is growing like crazy!  Do you remember me mentioning that a co-worker gave us a pear tree in honor of our baby after we lost our pregnancy last summer?  It's called a "Moon Glow" pear tree and it was a little scrawny thing, but so cute and really special.  We planted in the corner of our backyard.  We needed something for that corner, as our Paper Bark Maple tree that we'd planted there the year before didn't make it through the first winter.  So, our empty hole was filled with a tree, to help us deal with our empty arms and the hole in our hearts.  It was great watching that tree really spring to life this year.  It took off, even producing some fruit.  Not any pears that we could eat this year, but they were pretty good looking.  I look at that tree and think it's really symobolic of our life.  We're growing every day, right along with it.
I remember that same co-worker coming to me a month or so later, tears in her eyes, saying that she had something she needed to tell me.  I was so nervous!  I thought she was going to deliver some awful news of some sort.  I work in a Children's Hospital with some mighty sick kids, after all.  But, no.  She said she was worried that I was going to be mad at her (ok, when do I really, really get mad?  Guess she doesn't know me all that well!) and at that point, I guessed it.  She was pregnant.  I just sparred her the anguish of spitting it out, and asked her "Are you pregnant?".  She thought I'd be mad that she's pregnant?  Really?  No, I reassured her.  I may be envious.  I may be mad at my stupid situation.  But, honestly, I could only be happy for her.  A wonderful person, a wonderful gift.  Simple as that.  I was excited and so happy for her.  And, a year later, her 4 month old daughter is a beautiful, perfect little girl that I got the honor of holding not too long ago.  I remember smiling and loving the feel of that little one in my arms.  People at work were worried about it, and came to me afterwards to check in.  So thoughtful.  Yes, I'm so happy for her, and yep, wish it were me, but really, this is good, and I'm ok.  It will be me, bringing my baby in for them to ow and ah over before too long.  I love that pear tree.  It acknowledges what came before, and it's a hopeful reminder that our baby is coming!

Questions, questions, questions...

We're at the point in the process where we need to update our criminal background checks.  Ugh.  That means we've been in this for a year.  Clearances need to be updated every year.  Our medical clearances and homestudy updates will be next. Our references will be after that. I can't believe it's been a year already.  9 months waiting, but a year since we embarked on this wild journey.  I know they told us we could wait two years, but I never imagined it.  I don't think I could imgine it.  Neither of us could.  We'd already tried for so long (or so it seemed) and the thought of having to wait another two years seemed impossible and unrealistic. We were sure to be picked quickly. But here we are... living the never ending wait, the impossible dream.  We go over it and over it in our minds.  Probably I go over it more than Brian, but he's living it too.  He's ready to be finished with this chapter and into the next, much more satisfying, exciting, and meaningful chapter.  This is the point where I start to question every choice we've made, every step we've taken.  This is where, though I know it's pointless, I start to regret every choice we've made.  Did we say the right things?  Did we really portray who we are to the best of our ability?  Did we make good, strong, sound decisions about our family and what our family will look like one day?  Are we open enough?  Selfless enough?  This is where I start to get mad at the circumstances that are beyond all of our control.  This is where I get mad that I can't control my outlook and my attitude, to keep it the positive, focused, and thankful attitude that I want to have.  This is where I  try to remind myself that I do get down about it and question things for a while, but then I bounce back and am ready to face the next day with confidence and excitement.  This is where it's hard to look at the Bucket list and smile, where it's hard to look forward to doing all of those things and make the most of the time we've got with just the two of us.  It' a day.  A moment in time.  It's ok to not feel good all the time.  I can still be proud of how we're handling this.  I want to look back on this time, once it's passed by, and feel like we did it really, really well.  There were a few events this past week.  One was Coffee Talk, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, where we (meaning adoptive families in all phases of the process) gather for dinner and conversation, companionship, and understanding. The other was a seminar on "Living as a Multicultural Family".   As much as I feel like these people get it more than anyone else, there are still distinguishing differences between us, and sometimes those differences make me continue to feel alone.  Maybe the difference is that someone gave birth once and is a biological parent, now turning to adoption to grow their family.  They get it, but not totally, because they are parenting now, and did so on their own. Maybe they've adopted already and are adopting again.  Well, the wait feels different to them than it does to me, right?  Because I'm questioning whether or not it's ever going to happen, and for them, they're wondering if it's going to happen again.  Maybe someone was in our position and yet only waited for 2 months.  They don't get what it's like to go through so much and then wait for over 9 months (and counting). So, it's tough.  At Coffee Talk this week, though, I found someone who's circumstances mirror our own more than anyone else we've met to date.  She and her husband went through fertility issues (not sure if she lost pregnancies or not, but that doesn't even matter too much) and made similiar decisions about their adoption as we have, and so they wait.  And they feel alone.  Brian and I spent hours and hours talking about what would be right for our family,and why, and we made choices based on that.  Talking about those choices with other people is like talking about your finances.  You don't do it.  It's private for a variety of reasons.  It's incredibly complex.  It's stressful.  It's not just about loving a baby.  I know that Brian and I are capable and willing to love any baby out there.  But the story doesn't end there.  There's a responsiblity (and a burden, as someone from our agency recently said) that we have to make sure our child grows up strong and secure in who he/she is, surrounded by every aspect of their culture, ethnicity, and race.  Emersed in it, to an extent, so that they are equipted to deal with whatever life throws at them.  I could be more specific, but I'm not going to be because I could go on and on about this topic.  While we are very open, we did make choices that are most likely responsible for keeping us in the waiting phase longer than we otherwise might have been.  It's very difficult for me, knowing that one choice or another could end this wait.  The very needy and selfish part of me wants to go back and make a new decision.  The confident, selfless part of me knows what we're realistically able to do for our child, and do well, and knows that we made selfless decisions even if they, at times, feel selfish.  It's such a head game at times... convincing ourselves of one thing or another.   Guess you could say we've made our first parenting decisions, and they weren't fun.  They were tiring, trying, painful, confusing, complex, and scary.  They were also right, even when they feel so wrong.  Welcome to parenthood, huh?  From what I hear, I'm not done questioning the choices I've made or myself, questioning our ability to parent and wondering if we're doing it right.  So, we just have to do the best we can to make the best choices possible.  And, as everyone at Open Arms likes to say so often, when we have our little baby in our arms and in our hearts, it's all going to make sense.  Every last bit of it. 

Parenthood

Anyone out there watch the show "Parenthood"?  I love that show!  I've loved it since it came on the air three or four seasons ago.  It's high drama, which I love so long as it's not a part of my real life.  I, in fact, do not like drama.  But, apparently, I love to watch it.  The show is very well done.   The actors and actresses do a great job. The characters are all likable and believable.  They're a family that fights like real families fight.  They fight with all that they've got, they hurt each other, they eventually apologize and move on, work things out, do what they need to do.  But, it's believable.  They love deeply, passionately.  They care about each other, they enjoy spending time together.  The show deals with some really tough topics.  I don't know many families that deal with SO MANY big issues, but this is TV, afterall, and the show must go on.  So, new issues are constantly cropping up.  They've tackled such things as infidelity, racism, interracial relationships, Asperbergers, drugs, alchohol, addiction, unemployment, relationships and age differences, etc.  Well, I'm sure by now, even if you don't watch the show, you're probably guessing why I'm bringing this up and what the latest storyline entails.  You got it!  Infertility and adoption.  At first, I was thrilled that they were talking about infertility.  I thought maybe they'd get it right.  They did pretty well, actually, though I felt it wasn't given nearly enough time and attention, because I know what a long, drawn out process anything involving a person's fertilty can be.  But, whatever.  They didn't make it out to be an easy fix.  Now, we move on to adoption (remember, I just mentioned that it wasn't an easy fix... it wasn't resolved).  So, I'm not going to be the person involved in adoption who stands up on my soap box and goes on and on about anything and everything adoption.  I'm not going to make my life all about it... it's one aspect of my life.  I'm not the adoption advocate who's out there criticizing the highway department because they throw out the concept of adoption in such inappropriate ways ("Adopt a highway"... like I'm going to parent that!), or doing the same with animal protection/advocacy groups ("Adopt a Panda").  I'm not watching movies and programs and finding fault all the time with how they portray adoption.  But, because I love Parenthood, and I'm afraid I'm about to be seriously disappointed in the writers on this one, I feel the need to discuss the storyline that's just getting underway, in the wrong way, about adoption.  Damn you, Parenthood, for disappointing!  Anyway, the story is just beginning.  At the end of last season, characters Julia and Joel, realizing that they want to expand their family but can't do it in a biological way, decide they'd like to adopt.  Fast forward to the first episode of the next season.  Julia and Joel haven't had any "interviews".  This is one way that some agencies do match birth and adoptive families together.  I have a friend who's going down the domestic adoption route as well, and she's using a different agency.  They do set up "interviews" between the birth family and the prospective adoptive family.  Oh, how thankful am I that we don't have to go through that?  I'd be a complete and total wreck each time and we would truly never become parents!  Anyway, back to Julia and Joel.  In this next episode, they're trying to become more intersting and attractive to birth parents and they're putting together a video profile in which Julia is saying that they are cool and have Lady Gaga's music in their home.  Then, fast forward and hour or so and she's at her office (she's a Lawyer) and she goes to the coffee cart to get a Latte, and she asks the young girl behind the counter (probably a Lady Gaga fan), who does not look pregnant to me, if she's pregnant.  A lot of inappropriate behavior follows, and ends with the girl telling Julia she is pregnant, but she's not "keeping it".  Really?  Surprise surprise.  We could see that coming from a mile away.  As the show goes on, Julia says more than once to family and friends that "Latte Girl" is pregnant and that she wants to "buy" the baby.  Ok, given that the character of Julia is not always appropriate, it might make sense that she'd say these incredibly stupid things, but how nice would it be if the writers of this show could get it right?  They're going to need to back up a bit, and I don't really see that happening (now, I didn't see this week's episode yet, so if any of you watch it, maybe there's something going on that I dont' know about yet, so forgive me if I ramble about things that I shouldn't ramble about).  First of all, "Latte Girl" has a name.  She's a person.  She has a story.  She's likely in pain, about to make the most difficult and courageous decision of her life.  If "Latte Girl" were real, and there are a lot of "Latte Girls" out there, she likely wouldn't be so flip about it, as if she doesn't care about that baby.  We know by now that most birth parents, if not all, are deeply in love with and deeply committed to their unborn children, and that's the reason they make an adoption plan.  They're not "giving them up".  They're doing the opposite.  They are planning for that child's future.  They're making the ultimate sacrifice for that baby.  When people make the conscious decision to get pregnant and have a baby, aren't they doing it out of selfishness?  I was when I was trying.  We wanted a baby.  We want a family.  We were thinking of ourselves first, though we know that the baby that becomes ours will have the best life we can possibly offer that child, and everything will become about him/her.  However, the first choice we made: to get pregnant and have a baby, was not for the baby's sake, but for ours.  That doesn't make us bad people.  That makes us human.  Just like everyone else.  I supposed our decision to adopt is just as selfish.  We're not doing it to give a poor needy child a home.  We're doing it because we want a baby.  After our need is met, we'll then pour our entire selves into meeting the needs of that baby.  Our first decision about our family is a selfish one.  No doubt.  But, think about the birth mother.  Her first decision was not to intentionally get pregnant.  People may argue that she was selfish not to prevent pregnancy, and though I don't agree, we could understand that thought, but we can't change it.  Her decision to place her child for adoption, to make an adoption plan, for her baby is the most unselfish act one person can do for another.  I'd like the writers of Parenthood to recognize this in some way on the show.  I want them to educate Julia.  By the time we were putting our profile together, we'd had lots of education through our agency and we knew so much about it.  We knew that we weren't "buying" a baby.  Yes, adoption is expensive, but we're not "buying" the baby.  Do people who give birth "buy" their babies?  They pay the hospital.  They pay for their benefits and then the insurance company pays the hospital.  A lot of money.  No. People pay for a service.  They pay for the doctor to deliver the baby.  They pay for the medications and other medical care they're getting.  They are not paying for the baby.  That's true in adoption as well.  We're paying for a service.  We're paying for our Criminal background clearances.  We're paying for our homestudy and the work our social workers put into writing up the reports and approving us.  We pay for the seminars and workshops that we attend.  We'll pay for a lawyer to help us with the legal aspects of adoption.  We are not paying for the baby.  Babies are not to be bought and sold.  So, please, give Julia the right language.  Help educate not only her, but the thousands of people who tune into the show each week and may or may not be familiar with what birth families and adoptive families are going through.  It's a really difficult road.  Don't make us look like insenstive idiots along the way.  Chances are, while we're waiting for our biggest heart's desire, we're questioning ourselves and our capability, our choices and our entire lives enough on our own, without the help of the media or anyone else.

+9 months and counting.../

I did what I had to do. Instead of using ovulation test kits or pregnancy tests, we did paperwork.  Instead of talking to an OB/GYN, we had home visits with our social worker. We did have monthly check ups.   They were workshops and classes that Brian and I took together, learning about all aspects of becoming a family through adoption.  I certainly ate enough for two (stress will do that to you) and put on more than my share of "baby weight".  We prepared and found a pediatrician, found a day care, and started planning out the nursery.  Month after month, there was something to do.  I've talked to my benefits department and my bosses, so that I can take my "maternity leave" when the baby comes.  And yet, the kid is about to be overdue.  Today marks 9 months of waiting, though we've been in this much longer than that.  This is THE longest pregnancy ever!  I'm not crying today.  I'm contemplating. I've read so much about people being so down and depressed at this point in the wait.  I'm not.  I'm not happy about it, mind you, but I'm still standing.  I saw yesterday that yet another family from Open Arms has adopted.  Seems like most of the people up on that website of theirs came after us, or close to the same time as us.  It's a good thing... means they're busy and they're placing babies.  Maybe we're next.  I wish more than anything this would happen now, (as in RIGHT now!) but I guess it's not.  I'm willing that darn phone to ring. Please ring!  Please... 
We're going to dinner and a movie tonight.  Part of the bucket list... do the things that might be hard once the little one comes.  We bought our tickets for The Lion King.  We're moving forward with it. 

Open Arms Picnic

  Today we went to a picnic hosted by Open Arms.  We've been to one that they had before, and it was really nice.  This one was no different, except that Mary, Dave, and Stacey came with us.  It was super nice to have some family with us.  I wanted them to come to keep them in the loop, have them feel included in our process, and to just simply see what it is we're doing, see who we're seeing, and feel a part of it in some small way.  It was great having some of the staff that have helped us get this far meet part of our family as well (SEE?  We have SO much to offer a baby!!  As if they didn't already know that...).  I was a bit apprehensive about how it would feel to be there.  We're approaching the 9 month wait mark.  Several people have adopted recently- people who are not us.  One couple in particular I was excited to see, and feeling some dread at the idea of seeing them.  They've recently adopted, and they were behind us in the process.  I was sad/frustrated/jealous/angry when I heard they'd adopted, and I thought those negative feelings had passed but wasn't sure what I'd discover when I actually saw them and saw their baby.  I'm super happy (and relieved) to report that though I did feel some envy, I also was genuinely happy to see them, meet their adorable son, and hear their touching story.  I felt excited for them.  Thank God.  It felt sort of hopeful to be there.  Maybe even inspiring in a way.  It's complicated.  The emotions are, and probably always will be, mixed, but as long as the positive emotions come out on top, I'm happy.  Our social worker wasn't there at first.  She was apparently with a birth mother who was delivering, or had just delivered, a baby at some point this weekend.  (Yes, Brian and I looked at each other with a hopeful glance.  Could she be with OUR baby right now?  We doubt it, but it's possible, right?).  When she did come, we had a quick but nice chat.  She said something very interesting to me.  First, I told her about my intentional attitude change.  I told her that I'm NOT letting the wait weigh me down anymore.  That I'm purposefully transforming the wait from a time of despair and sadness into a productive, exciting time.  No, I didn't really tell her that in those words, but I did tell her that I'm not letting the weight get the better of me, that we're ok and doing well.  She was getting ready to run off and make her rounds before she returned to the hospital, and she hugged me and said "I just want you to know that everything's good".  Hmmm... how to interpret that?  At first, I thought she was just being her usual optimistic and encouraging self.  She's very good at trying to pick us up, and keep us up.  She acknowledges the difficulty of this process while keeping us focused on the postive outcome.  But, there was something in the way she said "I want you to know that everything is good"  (Or was there?  Not sure)  I started to hear something else there.  Then, she said "I've gotten lots of really good feedback on your profile.  Just people haven't followed through.".  So, the way I interpreted it, I think there's been some potential birth families who've looked at, and liked, our profile, but in the end decided to parent rather than make an adoption plan for their babies.  I'm interpreting that as meaning that we might have been picked, had someone decided make that adoption plan.  You can always find meaning in people's words, whether or not that meaning is really there.  Brian and I started to process what she meant on the way home from the picnic.  He brought up a good point in that they (meaning Open Arms staff) try really hard not to give anyone false hope.  They're very good at being supportive, yet truthful, and they tend to air on the side of caution.  They say it like it is, not sugar coating any of it, so that we're prepared for anything, even a long, painful wait.  So, to tell me that everything is really good, was Stefani telling us something else? Does she know something that we don't yet know, but will find out about soon?  Was she trying to give us a message... "don't stress, it's about to happen"?  After talking it all through, we decided that no, she wasn't telling us something without telling us.  She was simply being encouraging, letting us know that we haven't been chosen, not because we're not good enough or not because people don't like us, but because it hasn't been right for the birth families.  She was giving us hope, something to hold on to, without it being false hope.  Our profile is good.  People are seeing us.  We'll get there.  Maybe before two years is up.  Maybe soon?  We can't read into what she says.  She does say it like it is.  I appreciate that.  So, the roller coaster ride continues on.  Just when we decide we're going to have this tough, positive attitude, we're brought back down to reality.  This is an emotional ride, and we'll have positive days, and days that feel tough.  One word, or statement from someone can change the way we're feeling in that moment and make us start to question things, hope for things, and feel it in a different, more more intense way than we had before.  It's just how it is, and we can deal with that.  We just have to work harder to get ourselves back in to the preferred state of mind so that we can make our way through tomorrow and the next day. Overall, I think I feel good about what Stefani said, and we also heard from another staff member that they've been really busy lately, and that they've done a lot more outreach, getting themselves out into other communities that they haven't been in before.  Like it or not, today the adoption feels right around the corner.  I wish the block wasn't so darn long!  I'm eager to get around that corner!!

Baby Bucket List

O.K, it's time to make this wait an exciting adventure and an opportunity rather than thinking of it as time ticking away and us being without... no more marking time by sad anniversaries.  We'll still mark time, of course, because each day that passes, we're one day closer to our baby and it's one more day we've successfully navigated our way through.  Someone I know who recently gave birth set up a "baby bucket list" of things she wanted to do before the baby was born that would be difficult or impossible to do once the baby was here.  We've spent a lot of time preparing... taking our classes and workshops through Open Arms, gaining support and friendship through Open Arms, finding a day care and a pediatrician, collecting the essential baby stuff, getting the van, etc.  We've filled our time with Ruby, training her and helping her become a "good citizen" as best we can before the baby comes.  Now, it's time to focus on us for whatever length of time we've got left as a couple without children.  So here goes.  Here's the beginning of my baby bucket list.  Some are practical things, some are fun things, some are things that we'll still do with the baby, but it might not be quite as easy or quite as simple.  For those of you who have kids, think back and tell me what you wish you had done before you had kids?  Help us create a fun list, and feel free to join in on any that you find interesting.  I'm making it my mission to do as many of these things as we end up having time for... since we don't know how long we've got to dive into the list, we can make it as long as we want.

• Sleep late as often as possible (VERY high priority!)
• Read... spend whole days or a whole weekends on the couch with a good books.
• Explore as many of the hiking trails in Valley Forge as we can (we started this one today.  Had a really nice hike there with Ruby and Brian)
• Clean and organize the basement... I also have a head start on this.  Worked on it during hurricane Irene.
• Go to NYC for the weekend, see The Lion King on Broadway.
• Re-do our bedroom... paint, bedding, curtains, accessories.
• Go to lots of movies.
• Try out new restaurants.
• Go to tons of concerts/shows in and around Philly.
• Scrapbook with the girls.
• Take a spontaneous trip someplace for a weekend.  This means that Brian can't research it too much ahead of time, that we need to really just pick up and go.  This will be challenging... he's a planner!
• Have some dinner parties... invite friends and/or family over more often.
• Go to Phillies and Reading Phillies games.
• Kayak on the canal.

What else?  I'm sure this list is by no means complete!  It's nice to be thinking of the positive rather than focusing on the negative for a change.  I've been ok... I think I have "moments" but am pretty good at standing up, shaking myself off, and moving on.  Last month was hard... a combination of passing the anniversary of the miscarriage, having a "near miss" with a baby, crossing over the 8 month wait mark, and having one of our adoption cohort friends adopt a baby.  That stuff together really stunk!   Brian's done better than me.  He seems pretty good most of the time, and he's wonderfully supportive of me when I'm in a mood or having a moment.  I think he's going to be happy to focus on this bucket list rather than what else we have to do to prepare for the baby, or how to get through a difficult patch.  Thanks to all of you out there who have been so sweet and supportive along the way, too.  Your caring means more to us that you'll ever, ever know.

8 months

As of last week, we've been officially waiting for 8 months.  8 months.  It's long.  A couple that we've been starting to get to know through the agency, who finished their homestudy months after us, adopted a little boy 5 weeks ago.  When I heard that news, I so desperately wanted to feel happy and excited for them, but I was just sad and angry.  I had a "why us" moment.  Why couldn't that have been us?  What's wrong with us?  Why did they adopt so quickly, while we continue to wait and wait?  We so desperately want this to happen, and it feels impossible... like it never will happen.  I sound like a broken record inside my head, and possibly here as well.  I want us to become parents, and I want it now.  I feel like we'll be unbelievably excellent at it.  Why aren't the right people seeing that, too?  I've been questioning all that I wrote in our autobiography, as well as the "Hello" letter.  It doesn't sound genuine or sincere enough, it doesn't sound passionate enough, it didn't adequately describe the love we have in our family that will be shared with a baby, etc.  Making myself slightly crazy here, and nothing that I tell myself or anyone else tells me makes it any easier or makes it make sense any more.  I guess I've officially gotten to the "unbearably difficult" part of this process.  Maybe it's because I just spent a week with a group of exceptional kids, and with a pregnant co-worker.  Maybe it's because we've waited 8 months.  Maybe it's because we're a year past our miscarriage and approaching year since we officially started the adoption process, and we're still without a baby.  Maybe it's just because I'm human and life hurts a little bit sometimes.  I guess we just have to keep moving forward each day.  Some day, this painfully long wait will end.

Not our time

Tonight I'm in the soggy, chilly Poconos in a cabin with about 15 other women.  I'm at Ronald McDonald Camp, which is an oncology camp that I've been volunteering for for years.  In fact, this is my 10th year.   I missed two along the way, so not 10 consecutive years.  It's been pouring down rain all day and all night.  I hope and pray that things look up soon... can YOU imagine 6 days in the woods, in the rain, with 180-200 kids?  Yeah... that's what I thought.  I do love this camp, though.  After so much time here, it's sort of a home away from home for a week each summer.  It's a time when kids who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders can finally put their burdens down for a week and be a kid again.  It does not matter what kind of cancer they either have or did have.  It doesn't matter if they can walk without help or not.  It doesn't matter if they're bald, or short, or fat, or anything else.  Everyone here GETS it, and these kids know it.  They accomplish the most amazing things here.  Illness does not limit them, and the sky is the limit.  Friendships are created here that run deep and last a lifetime.  I love it.  I love witnessing that sort of perfection.  It's such an honor. 
Last year,  I was all set to come, and I ended up having a miscarriage.  Brian and I joked this year about how "the call" would come this week and interrupt my camp experience... baby stuff getting in the way of a week in the Mountains once again, only this time, the most welcomed interruption.  Well, I'm sitting on my cot in the damp cabin right now, so guess it's going to happen later in the week!  lol (wishful thinking).  Funniest part about this is that it COULD have happened this weekend.  There may have been 10 or more other times when it "could" have happened because someone looked at our profile, but we didn't know about it.  This time, we actually did know.  We got an email on Friday afternoon, telling us about a little baby girl born on Wednesday.  We were being asked if it was ok for our profile to be shown to the birth mother.  We were also told that several other families were being shown.  Usually, we aren't asked this question, but if there's a characteristic of the baby that matches something on what is called our "family characteristics form" that we said we would be willing to consider, depending on the circumstances (for instance, we said we were willing to consider alcohol exposure, because it can mean very different things in different circumstances.  One glass early on vs. every day exposure), they have to call us and ask us before showing our profile to that birth family.  This baby matched one of those characteristics that we were willing to consider, so we found out about her.  The bad news about knowing, is that we're then on edge as we wait to see if we've been chosen.  For those of you we saw this past weekend, we couldn't say anything because it was so iffy and we couldn't get our hopes up more than they were.  We've likely been in this position before (of being considered) but we just didn't know it.  Sadly, someone else was chosen for this little girl, but I guess she wasn't the baby for us.  That's what we have to believe, anyway.  It's sad.  I had some baby adoption dreams last night.  They were very odd (the hospital was calling the baby "Hedge" in my dream, and she was older... maybe 3-4 months old) but still, we'd adopted.  It'll happen when it's meant to happen.  Boy, am I getting sick of hearing, and saying, that phrase.  But, I supposed it'll feel that way to us some day.  Meanwhile, we're going about our business.  Keeping busy and staying optimistic.  I hope this week at camp will be super inspiring and a lot of fun, even if  Mother Nature continues to let us have it.  I can't wait to see how we all accomodate for her.  The staff at this place are really good at this stuff.  They feed us well, too.  We just had chicken wings, cream puffs, and cake for our late night "snack". 
Have a great week, and please, keep sending us positive energy so that we can keep getting through all that this crazy journey sends our way!

A year goes by

One year ago today, I was filled with hope and excitement for a little while.  We were headed to the hospital for another little glimpse of our baby, and for the sequential screening test that would tell us that everything was fine (what else could it possibly tell us?  We'd been through so much to get to that point, that there was no way that anything was wrong now.)  However, our dreams and our hearts were shattered when we heard those words that I'll never forget... "Guys, I can't find a heartbeat.  I'm so sorry.".  What??  What does she mean?  Get someone else in here to look.  She must be wrong.  She has to be wrong.  This can't be happening.  Those were the thoughts that then ran through my head as I started to shake.  I'll never forget that feeling.   It was such a living nightmare. 
I wish I could stop thinking of all of these significant dates as anniversaries, but I can't.  I guess every time we mark another anniversary, or pass by a date that should have been significant (the baby's due date, another month of waiting, etc.) I also mark another day of enduring it and finding a strength I didn't know we would need or that we had.  It reminds me that we can do anything we have to do.  What other choice is there?  The other choice is how we go about it, and how well we do it, not IF we can or will.  I've learned so much over the course of this year.  First of all, that even when bad things are happening, time flies by and you get through it.  Also, I never ever realized how painful and heartbreaking a miscarriage could be.  I never really appreciated how much of a loss you feel when you've never seen touched, or held that baby.
Looking back over this past year, I am amazed that we've come so far, moved on as well as we have, and embraced the experience of adoption.  It's been somewhat turbulent, of course, but mostly we're really ready to start our family in this way that feels incredibly special.  We've met wonderful people who've experienced the same exact things that we have... the hope of giving birth and the crushing realization that it's not going to happen like that, as well as the excitement and anxiety that comes from building a family through adoption.  We're so ready for this!  Anticipating this day, the day that one dream died and another began, was a bit worse (isn't anticipation always the worst?) than actually experiencing it.  Tonight, we're going to the movies with dear friends who have been so supportive all along the way, and I had the opportunity to work once again with a wonderful co-worker that I haven't worked with in a year or more.  Those are the things I'm focusing on today, and tomorrow there'll be something else.  We're ok.

Sometimes, tears flow

This has been an exhausting week at work.  And not because I'm busy, but because I'm not.  It's hard when there's a week like this where it's slow and I'm struggling to find my purpose.  It makes me think about how it'll feel to have our baby in daycare while I'm sitting around doing nothing in another building 5 miles away.  Argh!  I try NOT to think of that, but it's hard.  It's especially hard on a day when my co-workers are at their "finest".  Today was one such day.  Without going into all of the details, there's a ton of conflict between the radiology techs and nurses, and often other people are involved.  There seems to be a battle over who gets sedated and who doesn't.  If a child is scheduled for a sedated MRI and they're at an age where they might possibly be able to do it without sedation, it's in the patient and family's best interest if we work with them and try to help them get through it.  That's my main purpose at this center.  To assess whether or not they're capable and if it's in their best interest.  If it's determined that they're a good candidate, I work to prepare them for the procedure, develop a coping plan, and help them through it.  We don't just talk kids into trying it, and we use our best judgement.  For some reason, the techs hate this!  They'd like to see them all sedated.  I can sort of understand the stress they're under to get good images, and their fear of failure if a child is unable to sit still and the study is useless.  But, they never come meet the kids ahead of time or spend any quality time with them to determine if it's a good candidate or not.  They then get really angry at us when we do.  Today was a day in which a patient who tried and failed last year wanted to try again.  I think we can all agree that a year is a long time in the life of an 8 year old kid, and that second chances are worthwhile.  I hadn't even seen the techs today, but when I passed one (the patient was waiting for her turn... still in a room and not in the scanner),  I said hello pleasantly and she literally grunted at me.  She continued to ignore me and give me the cold shoulder all day long.  I am sick to death of being treated like a leaper for doing my job.  I felt today like I'd just had it.  I've been thinking a lot lately about what my options are in terms of my career, and what comes next, and this really sealed it for me.  I can't do this forever, and likely, not much longer.  I'll figure it out, but in the meantime, they're doing a great job of making the work experience pretty miserable for all of us who go there day in and day out.  I mind my own business, try to be a team player, and do my job to the best of my ability.  I cant imagine how it's going to change for me once that baby is here, but I don't want 40 hours of my life to be spent in misery, because it's bound to spill over into my life that is simply wonderful.  I don't want that work life to ruin a single moment of my personal life that I cherish so much.  Anyway, I didn't really mean to use this space as a venting space.  It sort of all ties in, though.  The other thing that happened today was that one of the nurses who is on maternity leave stopped by today for the first time with her son and her new baby daughter.  This is the same nurse who gave us the tree to plant in memory and honor of our baby (girl) that never was able to be born.  AND, it's close to the year mark since that miscarriage.  I was happy to see her and her gorgeous children, but there also was a twinge of pain thrown in there, too.  I was doing well with it, and then something amazing happened.  Kathy, one of our lab techs who's been so interested and so supportive of our situation from the get go came to me to check on me.  She was very thoughtful as she asked me about how we're doing with our wait, and as we talked about it, she said that she just wanted to check on me with Janet and her baby here.  She was wondering how I was and if it was hard to be around that little baby.  And then, she cried.  She was so concerned about me, about how it felt to me, and that nobody else was thinking about it, that it made her cry.  Of course, as soon as I see someone's tears, mine follow, so Kathy and I shared some today. Not many, just enough to know they were there.  I told her that I loved being able to hold Janet's baby, and that it did fill me with longing, but not too much envy or pain.  I told her that some days are harder than others and that I'm proud of how we've done with all of this stuff.  I told her that we've gone from excited, to sad, to discouraged, to feeling like it's not real or ever going to happen, and back again.  I'm sure we'll have so many moments along the way.  But we trust that it's going to happen when it's supposed to (though I'm not sure I believe that.  I know that people like to hear that and like the optimism, so sometimes we fake it), and some day it'll be me stopping by with the little love of our lives to show him or her off to the people who were there for us throughout the process.  Today, I do have longing.  Today, I'm dissatisfied with the wait and I want it to end.  Today, I want my baby more than I want anything else.  Today there were some tears and maybe tomorrow there will be more.  Or, maybe tomorrow will feel like a stronger, less intense day and it'll be fine.  Either way, I am thankful today for Kathy, her sensitivity and her caring, kind heart.

Good things come from Butterflies and Beatles

Ok, so you know how we've been telling you that the wait is going to be long?  That we're trying to settle into it, while we continue to be hopeful for a short process and an amazing experience? The end result being the baby we've been waiting for our entire lives?  We keep talking about how we have to prepare ourselves and find a way to deal with it in the best possible way.  Well, that's likely still true, but tonight I'm once again feeling like it could be just around the corner.  That's what this thing does to you... it messes with your mind, makes you think that either you have the power to will things into being or that you have no control at all.  You never know what your frame of mind will be each day until you're awake and living it.  Today, it feels like it's closer than it's been so far.  Yesterday I thought I'd only be a dog mommy in this lifetime.  Tomorrow?  Who knows.  That's for tomorrow to determine. 
People at work found out we were working on the family thing once we were well into our fertility treatments.  I'd already been through several unsuccessful IUI's and one IVF and miscarriage.  One person at work knew.  That was it.  When I had that first miscarriage, she gave me a St. Gerard metal.  Now, being a non-catholic, I had no idea what that Saint was for or what the metal meant.  When she explained to me that St. Gerard is the patron saint of fertility and parenthood, and that if I were catholic I'd pray to St. Gerard to help me with my infertility, I was so touched. She knew that I'm not catholic but she found what helped her and willed it to help me.  It brought me comfort, and I vowed to wear it until I bring a healthy baby into our home, permanently.  I have stuck to that promise, taking it off only for medical procedures that don't allow jewlery (for instance, when I had my D&E after my second and most devastating miscarriage.  I had it with me, though).  Anyway, I put the metal on a chain and have worn it as a necklace around my neck.  I work with one very catholic and very observant person, who noticed it right away and asked me which saint I was wearing.  I simply said "St. Gerard" and she replied, "Ah... worked for me!"  After that, everyone at work knew that we were trying to start a family and nothing was sacred.  They've all been terrific... so supportive and kind!  In fact, one co-worker brought me a pear tree to plant in our yard in memory of our baby that died.  I was beyond touched by that.  (The tree is thriving this summer and there's several small pears on it!).  They've continued to be supportive by asking about our process, showing interest and sharing a kind word or sentiment... telling me how they think I'll be a great mom when the time comes, reminding us that they're saying a prayer for us that things go well and happen fast.  Tonight, a co-worker hosted a small shower for us.  It was a great backyard BBQ, the food was outstanding, and everyone seemed to have a good time.  This co-worker, Muoy, made a mean Sangria!  They were so generous with Brian and I as well... giving us a baby "survival kit" with some baby essentials, and several gift cards to a variety of stores.  Muoy felt like the butterfly that continued to flit and flutter around the deck was a "sign" that something's going to happen soon.  She seemed so excited and confident about that idea.  We talked about how we got the van, and we have all of the other essentials in place, so it makes perfect sense that it's about to happen, especially with that butterfly.  I like it.  Then, tonight, we happen to be driving the van home, talking and listening to my ipod when a song from the Beattles Lullaby Album that Brian bought our future baby well over a year ago came on.  ANOTHER SIGN!   I know that we can find signs in anything and everything if we look and then assign meaning to them.  I know that our adoption is no closer today than it was yesterday (and yet, it's closer every minute, isn't it?) but I'm deciding.  I'm choosing to be optimistic and let myself believe, just for now, that maybe this is closer to happening than we can even imagine.  Tomorrow, the more negative, or more protective, or more cautious self may emerge.  Tonight, we're throwing caution to the wind and allowing ourselves the luxury of being excited about an impending adoption that feels close, and feels real.
Thank you to all of you who make each and every day bearable.  Thank you for your love, support, generosity, kindness, and caring.  Thank you for walking with us and keeping us moving, one foot in front of the other, even at times when it doesn't feel possible.  You make it possible.

One of many sleepless nights to come

It's Saturday, and it's 4:30 AM, and I'm awake.  Why?  I don't know.  Can't sleep.  I'm not one to usually lose sleep over anything.  Those who know me best know that I love, love, love my sleep.  Even if something's bothering me, I can sleep.  I guess it's a good escape.  But I woke up at 4:00 and now here I am, downstairs checking and updating the blog.  I have a feeling that this will not be my first middle of the night entry.  I'm thinking about my friend Angie and the fact that she's always got insomnia, and I wonder even more how she tolerates it.  I guess she's got no choice, but awake for 40 minutes and already I'm losing my patience.
We bought a mini van today.  Well, technically, yesterday.  The last big purchase in preparation for a growing family.  We'd taken a couple road trips recently with Ruby, and realized that with a baby and all the paraphenalia that comes with a baby, there's no way that it'll all fit into the trunk of either one of our cars.  My beloved Saturn is getting up there in age and miles, and it would have needed to be replaced anyway.  I feel confident that we could get a lot more miles out of it, but the time seemed right.  It's a big change... little car to really big one.  It'll take some getting used to.  So when I woke up a bit ago, I suddenly had baby stuff and car stuff on the brain.  Today a co-worker is hosting a "get together" for us which is in fact a baby shower.   It's co-ed, and I think she thought it would sound more appealing to the guys than a baby shower. She's probably right.  I don't know too many of their husbands/significant others, so it would be awkward to invite them to a "Baby Shower".  So, we have the van, and we'll have a lot of stuff, and we'll have no baby yet, possible for a long time to come.  <sigh>.  I was so happy to be able to let these thoughts out of my head while we were on vacation, and I was afraid that it wouldn't take long for the thoughts to dominate my mind once again soon after returning.  That's exactly what's happened.  I can't stop thinking about the adoption, how the wait is going to be long and painful, what we can do to take care of ourselves and lessen the anxiety around the wait, etc.  Haven't come up with anything too profound yet, but I'm trying.  Trying to believe in Open Arms' philosophy that it "all makes sense" when you have your baby in your arms, and that our baby will "find us" when the time is right.  That stuff is all well and good but in this sleepless moment, it sounds like BS to my ears.  Sometimes it's very hard to not be able to have what you really want. We all know what that's like.  We can't always have whatever we want when we want it, and it feels selfish and spoiled to think we deserve it anyway.  I certainly feel like we deserve it anyway.  It's amazing how I don't think I'd feel selfish if I were pregnant, or able to become pregnant, and wanting a baby.  But it does feel selfish in some ways to sit around waiting and wanting someone to call me up on the phone and offer me a baby.  Why is it any different?  It's not really, but at times it feels like it.  It's so hard to be at the mercy of someone else!  We're counting on Open Arms to give us what most everyone else can take for granted and not work quite so hard for.  I do think that our appreciation for this baby is going to be so high because of all we've been through to finally have a family.  I just pray each day that our wait isn't too long, that "our baby finds us" sooner than later so that things can make sense again.  I hope that big car out in the driveway isn't just going to carry me around by myself day after day when I drive it to work.  I hope the room upstairs doesn't become a Babies R Us storage unit.  We've got so many hopes and dreams, and so many plans... we just want to get on with it.  We want to start living this dream, not just talk about it. 

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the fantasy...

Brian and I met up with Stefani, our social worker, for lunch today.  It was a great break from work, always lovely to eat at Panera in the middle of the day, and great to see Stefani, whom we haven't seen in a few months.  It's been difficult to feel disconnected from the group and feel like we're out here on our own, so this was perfect.  As nice as it was to see her, the message was clear.  We'd better settle in for the long haul.  Everyone at Open Arms, especially Stefani, have been super supportive and kind.  You meet them, and you know they're on your side.  They WANT to make this happen for us, not just because it's their job and they need the statistics, but because they honestly care about each and every person who crosses their path.  I think this is one thing that makes them so unique and so special.  Along with that kindness and support comes the truth.  The tough, sometimes painful, always appreciated truth.  So the truth today was that they're getting busier and busier with more and more adoptive families.  They're doing more outreach.  They're stretching their wings and reaching more and more people.  They're getting really busy.  What that means for us, though, is that the wait is very real and very long.  When we started with them a year ago, they told all prospective adoptive families to expect to wait two years.  They are now telling their new prospective adoptive families to expect to wait 2 1/2 years.  That does not mean we will, but it doesn't mean we won't.  You know, when we heard to expect to wait two years, we also heard them say that it could be very fast as well... that we could wait two weeks, or two months.  THIS is what we heard the loudest.  That the wait could be fast.  We said we were settling in for the two year wait, but truth be told (again)... we didn't expect that at all.  We fully expected that we'd be parents before we knew it, that we'd be the ones they talk about when they said you could have a short wait.  As time marches on and we're still without our child, we still don't actually think it's us they're talking about when they say that you may wait two years.  How could that be???  Two years is a lifetime, isn't it?  We've had nothing but bad luck and heartache so far in this journey, so we feel our time has come and we're so optimistic that the wait is close to being over.  And yet, is it?  As we sat and got our much needed pep talk and support today, I think reality hit a little bit harder.  We need to embrace the fact that we're waiting, and that this could be our status for a long time to come.  I think my heart hurts a little bit more today than it has so far, but it's ok.  It's ok because we can take it.  We're very tough and we're resilient, but right now I don't feel like being tough or resilient.  I will be because I need to be, but I wish I didn't need to be.  We were talking numbers with Stefani.  How long do people really wait?  Why?  The answers, the numbers, are always the same.  Some wait two weeks, some two years.  A lot depends on who walks through their doors, who makes an adoption plan, who's open to what types of circumstances and scenarios.  There's often no rhyme or reason to it.  What she told us, too, is that of the 70 or 80 women a year that they counsel, only 16-18 will make an adoption plan for their babies.  That seems crazy, right?  But when you think about it, that's darn good counseling they're getting.  They work so hard to make sure that this is in the best interest of everyone... mothers, fathers, babies, extended families, hopeful adoptive families, etc.  They try to help the women find resources to help.  The better prepared the birth families are, the less "disrupted" adoptions they have.  If after all of the counseling they receive, they choose an adoption plan, chances are, this is absolutely the best choice for them, and it protects us in the long run. 
I think our meeting today was good, but I feel like it made it more challenging for me.  At least today feels challenging.  I kinda like my little fantasy world.  That's the one I prefer to live in.  It's the one where our baby is getting closer and closer and is almost here... the one that has us parenting before the holidays and not passing by yet another milestone... the one year "wait" mark.  Sit back, relax, and enjoy the fantasy!

Open Adoption: Not So Simple Math

I just read this article and have to share it with you.  I think it's so beautifully written from the perspective of a birth mother.  We can only hope to have this type of relationship.  I know I'll strive for it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/09/fashion/09Love.html

 

7 months and all is well...

Can you believe it?  Our official wait began 7 months ago yesterday.  Of course, we've been waiting in some way much longer than that, but our job was done in terms of trying... paperwork, homestudy, etc.  With our classes being finished and a couple months going by in between meetings or get togethers with our agency, it's at times very easy to slip into an every day routine of just being us, and at times, it's very difficult to just be us.  We spent a week alone together in the Adirondack Mountains this past week, followed by a really nice, really quality get together and dinner with family last night.  The mountains were great for all of the reasons that vacations are great... a break from reality, a time to kick back, relax, and enjoy.  For us, though, I think this trip was pretty significant.  It took us away from a tremendous amount of regular, every day stress, and speaking for myself, some mounting anxiety about how long we've sat and waited for that most important, life changing phone call.  We stayed in a little house on a beautiful, private lake called Loon Lake.  One of the highlights was sitting on the porch our first night, in the pitch dark, and hearing the call of the loon.  Pretty haunting sound, as Brian said, but also pretty beautiful in it's own way.  After that, we were always listening for them, and when canoeing on the lake, looking for the little guys that seem to be quite evasive. (Hmmm... now that I'm describing it like this, it reminds me of something else we're searching for that feels very evasive.  Wonder what that could be?).  We did spot some loons, and got some pictures and some awesome video.  They are facinating creatures!  Anyway, the week away was just what we needed.  We like to believe that this is our last vacation together, just us.  We like to think that our next vacation will include our first child.  It was so important to have this time.  At first, I was a bit resistent to taking a week off when I need to save all of my time off for when the baby does come.  Because I'm not giving birth, I don't require a "recovery" period (so says CHOP), and so, no "maternity leave" so to speak.  Any time off has to come from my vacation time, which seems totally discriminatory to me, but that's another story for another day.  I agreed to go on this trip, though, and it was so good and so important!  Just to have "our" time together, to regroup and appreciate our relationship was perfect.  I never get sick of him, you know... I just don't.  I loved spending every second of my days with Brian.  It's very comfortable, very comforting, and very much... being at home.  We spent a lot of time reading and hanging out, but had a good time playing tourist and doing things we don't otherwise have opportunity to do.  We took a Gondala Ride up White Face Mountain, did a sightseeing flight (itty bitty 4 passenger plane), did a raft trip, some hiking, biking, canoeing, and swimming.  We also checked out the Olympic Center at Lake Placid, walked down the Bobsled shoot and took a boat tour of Lake Placid.  We had some "events", as no vacation is totally perfect.  For starters, the cleaning crew had forgotten to do their jobs this time, and so the house was dirty when we arrived.  The amazing owners made things right though, by driving a couple hours to come clean it themselves and giving us a discount on our rent for the week.  It was nice.  Then, I took a small tumble as we hiked down a mountain and bruised my tailbone pretty good, as well as bruised my shoulder as I tried to catch myself.  Oh, and there was the crow that stole our steak dinner as we let it defrost on the front porch while we went out in the canoe.  I NEVER would have dreamed that a crow would ruin a meal for us, but he sure as heck did.  We just have to laugh at those things, don't we?  Other than those, it was perfect.  Thoughts of the baby were close, but not front and center.  As one wise person put it to me tonight... we were living in the present, not living in the past or for the future.  Just being together, in the present.  It was a relief. 
Brian and I are so good together... we are great companions.  We really appreciate each other.  I know that our dynamic will change so much once the baby's here.  I know it'll change in ways I can't even begin to imagine.  We'll change how we are by ourselves as well as how we are together.  I'm anxious about it, but mostly in really good ways.   I'm sure we'll learn a lot more about each other and ourselves, and we'll learn from each other.  I can't wait!  I was watching family members together last night (I'm sure you're reading this and you know who you are) and I was really loving and admiring the way they are together.  Always quick to joke and laugh, always ready with a hug.  Their dynamic is beautiful, their love for each other right out there and so clear.  They're a family of friends, and it's special.  I just can't wait for our- little family to come together, and to become a family of friends like that.